The Birth of a Mother

My story of motherhood and a poetic rendering of the day my son was born

The Genesis of the Poem

Approximately five years ago, around 2 a.m., sleep eluded me after settling my then-almost seven-month-old son. Fueled by a blend of overwhelming emotions and sleep deprivation, I found myself compelled to grab my laptop and lay down the initial framework of the poem.

The sentiments I experienced during that moment are etched in my memory, resonating throughout the poem. It encapsulates the profound realization that my life had undergone an irreversible transformation — there was no turning back.

I open my narrative with this poem, mirroring the profound emotions tied to the day my baby entered the world. It wasn’t a conventional delivery; it was intricate and complex.

The Birth Story

I was hospitalized for three days before the actual delivery. There was a minor leak of the amniotic fluid, and the doctors did not want to take a risk. It was two weeks before the due date. My husband, I, and our families were worried a little. However, we were not prepared for the three-day-long saga of labor induction and failed cervical opening to achieve a normal delivery.

At a point during that struggle, my pulse and blood pressure had dropped down to very dangerous levels that had the nurses and doctors in a panic, too. Eventually, they requested that I go in for the C-section as it was turning out to be harmful to delay the delivery any further. So, the C-section happened.

My husband got to witness it. He did really well. He was strong. But he was moved to see how a woman’s body is literally torn open to bring out the baby.

And then, we both witnessed our son's sweet little face and precious voice together. And from there on, the struggles and pains were forgotten. And the new life was embraced with open arms.

In the poem, I talk about all these events. And how I received all the love and support from both our families and how we pulled through the difficult times.

A Mother Is Born (Matrescence)

Every mother is born a second time when her child is born. That is what my mother-in-law said when we came home with the baby. I felt so overwhelmed by that and so empowered as well. It was my new birth. My chance to live again. To live every moment of my child’s baby steps into the new world.

Little did my mother-in-law know that her words were actually backed by science!

The Meaning of Matrescence

Matrescence refers to becoming a mother, encompassing the physical, emotional, and psychological changes a woman undergoes during pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum.

Like adolescence, matrescence is a significant life transition involving identity shifts, adjustments, and the development of maternal instincts and responsibilities.

This term was coined in the 1970s by anthropologist Dana Raphael. Recently, a paper about matrescence was published on Cell. Here is the summary:

“The maternal brain undergoes significant structural and functional neuroplasticity as well as cognitive adaptations during the peripartum period, which are long-lasting and present throughout the lifespan.

The novel challenges of the postpartum period involve increased responsibilities, resulting in an increased cognitive load for new mothers. This cognitive load is increased across the lifespan and dynamically adjusted as the child's needs grow and change.

Long-term exposure to a more complex environment is beneficial for the brains of humans and animals, suggesting that increases in environmental complexity in motherhood may result in increased cognitive reserve in late life.”

I also found this article, which gives a helpful explanation of this concept:

“Just as adolescence describes a child’s transition to adulthood, matrescence describes a woman’s transition to motherhood.

Adolescence and matrescence are both periods coordinated by steroid hormones and times of neuroplasticity and mental vulnerability.

In addition, both are moments of change and adaptation, although what each person experiences individually varies widely.”

The Evolution of Matrescence: How Motherhood Shapes a Woman’s Brain According to Scientists

Becoming a mother brings about profound changes in a woman’s brain. ‘Mommy Brain’ is actually a science thing! Who knew? Here are four illustrations of the phenomenal changes that happen:

1. Synaptic Pruning

In this article by Jenni Gritters, we read about Dr. Hoekzema’s findings that the mother’s brain undergoes ‘synaptic pruning,’ a phenomenon that eliminates certain connections between brain cells to encourage the facilitation of new connections. According to Jenny Gritters:

“Researchers believe this process could help people focus on specific behaviors or activities — in this case, taking care of an infant. In other words, a “loss” of brain material might seem like a bad thing, but the changes could actually, in part, be beneficial to people faced with new conditions like parenthood, according to Dr. Hoekzema.”

2. Neuroplasticity

Another research paper talks about neuroplasticity — the ability of the brain to change — taking place in the brain of a mother:

“A distinct neural plasticity characterizes the female brain during this period, and dynamic structural and functional changes take place that accompany fundamental behavioral adaptations, stimulating the female to progress from an individual with self-directed needs to being responsible for the care of another life.”

3. Experience-dependent plasticity

A mother incorporates new knowledge, abilities, and skills in her maternal repertoire according to the baby's needs.

This study shows indications that the mother’s brain also continues to develop even after the baby is born. Interactions with the baby and the baby's needs inform the changes in the postpartum brain of the mother.

4. Permanent Imprints on the Mother’s Brain

A study also shows that a woman’s first pregnancy drastically alters her brain. Dr Susanna Carmona Cabañete states:

“The brain changes during this vital period are so pronounced that the scientific community currently considers pregnancy to be the stage of greatest brain plasticity in adult life.”

The study also suggests that in pregnancy, the maternal brain becomes malleable again to encourage adaptation to the enormous demands of a baby’s arrival. Also, other studies on women in adulthood (decades after becoming mothers) suggest that pregnancy leaves a permanent imprint on women’s brains.

Finding Your Identity After Becoming A Mother

This study mentions three significant observations about a woman's identity after becoming a mother.

1. Loss and Reforming of Identities

Women lost themselves for a time while incorporating their children into their identities and reforming their identities.

2. Expansion of Self-Boundary

The second theme explores the expansion of the self insofar as women incorporated children into their identities and self-boundaries.

3. Intensified Personality and Identity

The third theme explores how women felt as mothers and their close relationships with their children intensified their personalities and identities.

The following points resonated with me a lot.

1 — If you are a mother, you must have identified with these points in some way or another. From my perspective, sometimes, I do have an inexplicable feeling about my true identity. It can feel like the true self has been lost somewhere while playing the mommy role.

2 — I felt strongly about expanding our identity and self-boundary to include or incorporate our children. They almost become a part of us.

3 — However, I agree the most with the third point. My personality and identity have definitely intensified.

I feel like all of these have happened. I have grown in more ways than I can recount.

Career or Stay-At-Home! Is There A Middle-ground?

Every mother grapples with this question after the birth of her child. For some, it is an easy decision, while many mothers struggle immensely with their situations.

In my mother and my mother-in-law, I have seen two extremely wonderful women who have made very different choices.

My mother decided to pursue her career, while my mother-in-law chose to be a stay-at-home mom. Both mothers did the best that they could for their children.

When it was time for me to decide, I clearly knew what I wanted — to stay home with my baby. After 12 years of a very successful career in the IT industry, I quit my job to stay with my child. It was such a blessing being with my baby. I would not trade it for anything else in the world.

But, it is not all a rosy picture.

After about three years at home, I began to doubt whether quitting work at the peak of my career was really wise. I still had no heart to begin working full-time, so I decided to do what I loved best: write! I wrote many children’s books, and then I started writing on Medium as well.

It has been five years now that I am off full-time work. Although I am not yet where I want to be with my career as an Author and a Writer, I know I will get there.

I could get a good opportunity to return to the corporate world and even return. But my heart will always want to be more with my child as he grows and develops his unique personality. I want to be there to witness all of that as much as I can.

So, I truly wish that my middle ground of becoming successful as a career-oriented stay-at-home mom (if we can call it that) comes to pass.

The monetary benefits here will be average or meager even. But the benefit of the time spent with my child, the time and phase that will never return, adds significant value to this middle ground.

Conclusions

Birth stories are precious to me. I love listening to all of them from friends and relatives. My story might remind you of the birth story of your own child or even of yourself, as told to you by your parents and relatives.

It might remind you of your own challenges as a new mother and your struggles when choosing between staying at home and having a career.

If you are a mother, I salute you and greatly appreciate your efforts and selfless love for your child/children.

If you are a father, I appreciate your love and support for your partner and the care and nurturing you provide for your child/children.

You and your children are precious!

I hope you enjoyed my story. Thank you so much for reading.

If you want to read the poem, here’s the text version. You might also like this story about my reading journey with my son:

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