The Biggest Question of 2023 You Need to Look at Is: Who am I going to be in a relationship this year?

You know, earlier today while I was working out, I was listening to a podcast from The School of Greatness (I freakin’ love Lewis Howes) and the podcast was all on daily affirmations that will let you manifest success. When I first clicked on it, I thought I was going to be listening to the mindset around money, business, goals and all the things — however that was not the case, what the speaker that was being interviewed shared was on self-love and who you are in relationship.

One of his big points was focused on happiness and what that really might mean to us humans, which was interesting since after my transcendental meditation today I did my daily journal prompt, and it was: What does happiness mean to you?

So here I found myself now listening to a podcast on the very topic. However, one of the points that the speaker was making was that there is so much focus on the altering of self to make a relationship work — when in reality, altering ourselves to fit into someone else’s idea of what is good will never lead to a successful or happy relationship. What we need to be focused on is who we are going to be in a relationship with this other person, but not from the sense of altering ourselves, instead from a space of growing ourselves. The reality is, that if who we are with is unsupportive of healthy growth, of us shining bright in just being who we are. If the polarity and dynamics of our being male and female actually create fear and jealousy in our mate, then they are not the right person for us.

Over the last few months, I have been working with so many individuals all around this beautiful world of ours and so many of them have come to me because they have discovered that the person they had “sold out” too really was not aligned to them. They discovered that the requirement to be in a relationship with this other person meant that they had to dim who they were because their mate was insecure. They found that what they truly needed in a relationship such as connection, laughter, playfulness, and communication that is more than a share of a good morning could not be met by their partner.

Sad reality is that we are all guilty of falling into the concept of just letting go of our needs (emotional, physical, mental, sexual, spiritual) when it comes to trying to be with someone that we really love.

The number one mental health issue that we humans all suffer from is a belief that we are not good enough. This shows up, perhaps in its greatest format in our intimate relationships.

With this idea that we are not good enough for our mate, we also believe that we are being “too much” because we have needs and wants within the relationship. Silly, is it not? But I too fall into this very challenge within my relationship. Fearful to speak up, then when I do get the courage to speak up it comes out all garbled and distorted, full of fear and pain, irritation that I had to ask and fear of being rejected. But if we do not speak up for our needs, wants and boundaries in our intimate relationship then we will be guaranteed to never have them met. We handicap our partners.

The reverse can cause massive challenges as well though. That being you have asked, you have been vulnerable and shared your deepest darkest aspects, your needs and wants and they are disregarded and not valued. This is all too common and brings us full circle to all the wonderful people that I have been working with lately, who have experienced just this.

The result of ignoring your partner’s needs, wants and boundaries is having a partner that no longer will trust you with their heart. They will close down to your touch, to any depth in communication. They may give you sex of some nature, but they are not wanting it, they are not enjoying it, or they will completely just stop having it with you. Over time, the partner who was living in hunger will turn inward and outward to get their needs met in other ways and this may even result in them saying goodbye to the relationship with you.

Starving your partner of the emotional intimacy, the physical touch, the mental stimulation, the sexual gratification, the bonding experiences that is gained through adventures, play, laughter and growth will one hundred percent of the time lead to disconnect and unhappiness. Granted I can hear many people who read my words saying, “Yeah, but this and that happened… I am too tired… they started it…” — all of this is your wounded, fearful inner child response, it is not going to solve anything, and it certainly will not restore your loving relationship. If you love this other person, if you saw a future with them, if you truly want for their happiness and yours then it’s time to reevaluate your relationship dynamics and ask yourself the really tough questions:

What am I doing that contributes to this discord and unhappiness?

What role have I played in my partners pull away?

If you cannot find the energy, time or concern to truly sit with those questions and get to your real heart then you need to let “your person go.”

Who will you be this year in your relationship?

The answer is in how proactive you are with your responses to the above inquiries. The answer is if you value your own growth and happiness enough to realize that your relationship is nothing more than an expression of the relationship that you have with yourself.

Make 2023 a year of growing who you are and through that growth watch miracles and beauty blossom in your love, sex, commitment and connection with “your person.”

There is a ton of talk about understanding men. Understanding women. What about understanding couple hood?

In this understanding we learn self-responsibility and that it’s a two-way road always. We learn that there are success strategies to happy couple hood and it goes far beyond chemistry, quantity of sex and someone’s looks or pocketbooks. These success principles are based in self-awareness and the healing of our wounds.

Quotes to Ponder This Week:

“The most loving women are the women that will test you the most.” — David Deida

“The quality of your life often depends on the quality of your relationships.” — Jordan Peterson

“If you start to feel like you have given up too many parts of yourself to be with your partner, then one day you will end up looking for another person to reconnect with those lost parts.” — Esther Perel

Your Most Important Work for the week:

Answer to yourself this — journal it out radiant one! “Who will I be this year in my most important relationship?”

Loving You from Here Always, Your Relationship, Love & Sex Educator Rene’ (KW)