The Biggest Mistake I Made While Living My Dream Life

There’s one important element that was missing while I was living my dream life on the west coast. I did not have a social network for most of my time out there.

The biggest reason for this is I’m happy doing most things alone. I’ve spent months at a time not hanging out with anyone and I was genuinely happy.

I met some great people at my first job in Vancouver, so I had an easy social network built in for my first year. The problem is once people move away or get busy, you’ve lost that support system and it’s time to set out to find a new one. That’s something I didn’t do.

After my first friend group dispersed, I met some people through work or at night clubs. With a few exceptions, these don’t seem to be the best way to meet people. At least, they didn’t work out well for me.

I’m usually a high achieving person at work, so in some places this segregates you from others. People can even get competitive with you or resent you for reasons you’re not aware of.

I’ve gone out with a few guys I met through work. While I love the feeling of meeting people organically, a lot of times we didn’t match in terms of values or temperament. It’s nice to buddy up with coworkers sometimes, but at the same time you’re leaving it up to chance rather than seeking friends who share your interests and values.

This is where things like Meetup Groups or local social events come in.

I think you meet the best types of people when you’re doing things you both enjoy. It’s a little less “random” without being staged. The people I’ve observed who make friends tend to meet them while doing some sort of social interest group thing.

To my credit, I did give Meetup Groups a try when I first moved to Vancouver. I was actually so brave.

My experience traveling around and meeting a lot of people gave me confidence, so I signed up for 5 different events within the first two months of moving. The problem is I gave up too soon.

The movie night meetup was a bunch of couples who knew each other (They were nice, but it was awkward), the dance party groups were pretty fun, the ‘extremely shy’ meetup was cool but there was a big fight while we were playing pool and one guy asked me to go home with him so that went weirdly, and a mental health meetup got weird when they wanted to chat all day & night on Whatsapp.

The truth is not every meetup event or group will be right for you.

I think the movie one, for example, wasn’t for me. But the ‘extremely shy’ group hosts a variety of events that were pretty fun so I should have kept going to those. The dance party one is also a winner as you can safely go dancing with the protection of a group.

I think my default comfort zone is doing solo activities and that’s certainly fine. My mental health is best when I can do things alone. However, you can’t literally do everything alone because over time you can attract predatory people. Especially if you’re single and dating, not having local friends to vent to or bounce things off of can be an isolating experience.

One group I still haven’t joined to this day is a hiking group. I tend to enjoy my solo walks, so I’m not sure if I’d like being around a group for 3–4 hours. However, this where I could meet people who also love nature and are fit. I should give that a try this time around.

Someone once told me that the good people are found in the mountains. Maybe they were onto something, because they ended up marrying someone from a hiking group.

In hiking situations you see what type of character people have — Are they helpful? How do they communicate? Do they wait for you? Who seems drawn to you? Are there people you like walking with more than others?

My biggest mistake was relying on dating apps to meet people. Obviously, most guys on those apps don’t have your best interests at heart. Maybe some wished me the best, but you’re just asking for more therapy if you only rely on dating apps to meet new people. And that’s what I did. Oops!

There’s some lessons you learn quickly. Others can take 10 or 30 times before the truth finally sticks.

Dating apps can make you believe you have issues you don’t even have. Emotionally unavailable people (Whether they’re narcissists or hurting from a bad breakup) will create any reason not to continue with you. Then they follow the same pattern with the next 25 people they date.

I used to wonder why the love and time I gave wasn’t enough for the guys I went on dates with, as they’d love bomb me then inevitably end with “I’m just really busy right now” or “I realized I’m not ready for a relationship” if I didn’t end things first.

Besides a few rare exceptions, dating apps are designed to keep you single even if you’re genuinely looking for a connection. You’re up against a high % of narcissistic people who are only on there to play, use, and move on.

Obviously, you don’t connect with everyone you meet and that’s OK. I’m referring to the types of people who love bomb you for a month then suddenly become unavailable once they get (or don’t get) what they want.

If you are looking for a dinner or coffee date after moving to a new place, the apps can be nice. As long as you’re not expecting anything long term or meaningful, dating apps can be a tool for having some fun nights.

With dating apps you’re missing out on connecting with people organically. When you are at a social event, people can read your energy better and you will naturally be drawn to certain people over others.

Apps give people preconceived ideas about you, but in person you’re just you. There isn’t a bubble floating above your head with your bio, age, career, location, etc. Because most social groups aren’t geared toward dating, you can make friends with people in a lower pressure setting.

Even if you never meet someone romantically at a Meetup group, you could have some supportive people who look out for you. At worst, it’s something you can look forward to going to a couple of times per month.

I’m an introvert so I don’t want or need a lot of friends, but having a couple of groups would be beneficial for my emotional enrichment and for my safety. What’s also cool to think about is there are other people who are looking for the same thing — I can be a good support to them, too.

It’s nice to have people you can bounce things off of and if you ever need help, it’s good having people you can reach out to even if it’s just for moral support.

This time around I’ll do things right.

No more relying on dating apps or random encounters at a club to meet someone new.

I need to make an effort to connect to people who enjoy some of the same interests as me. When you’re a part of a support system, it’s harder for bad characters to try to take advantage of you and/or waste your time.

When your energy is being spread out among different friends, you’re not as reliant on one person for all your emotional support.

Thanks for reading today!