The Big Fat Gay Agenda — Revealing Our Evil Plan to Conquer the World

The ‘gay agenda’ is thrown around by right-wing extremists who believe we LGBTQIA+ folks are out to take over their conservative bubble and erase all heteronormativity from the world.

Boy, are they right.

We long to poison the minds of youth, to brainwash them, and shove our propaganda down their throats in the hopes that we’ll create more homosexuals to grow our LGBTQIA+ army.

Monday:

I wake up on Monday mornings to the sound of my Elton John alarm clock blasting in my ear. I drop my feet off the side of the bed and slide them into my super cute limited-edition Ellen Degeneres slippers.

I meander into my cold bathroom, make my morning pee-pee, brush my teeth, and change into my ‘Love is Love’ sweatshirt. I can’t buy anything if it doesn’t somehow directly support the LGBTQIA+ community.

I reach for my ‘I have two mommies’ dog leashes and gear my pups up to go potty outside.

After I come back inside, I grab my ‘I love titties’ coffee mug and put my new badass Nespresso machine to work — French Vanilla? Yes please.

On my way to the table I ran my head into the rainbow streamers hanging from our ceiling. It happens every morning like clockwork, but I wouldn’t be a real lesbian if I took them down. I’m making a sacrifice, one to keep our pride intact.

I flip open my MacBook, covered in stickers and a rainbow protective skin, and flip through my emails. A few emails from Shewired.com, one from Autostraddle.com, and a few ads from wetforher.com. I spend almost all of my time online reading lesbian content.

In the afternoon, I take a few hours for myself. I flip on The L Word and sit back with a bag of Boom-Chick-Pop. This show? They did it right.

Evening comes, my wife is home, and for dinner we’re grilling out! For us it’s veggie burgers only, no vegan hot dogs —all of us lesbians hate men, and eating anything resembling a penis is anti-agenda. Fuck the patriarchy!

If we don’t keep the importance of our agenda in the front of our minds, we’ll lose sight of what really matters — gaining ultimate control of the media, the government, and eventually the planet.

We end the night by strapping on our six-inch stilettos for a few rounds of wild sex. Lesbian porn is 100% accurate — the naysayers watch it all the time — so I’m certain they’ve had an inside look at our sex-life.

Tuesday:

I wake up early today to get everything ready for the party we’re hosting tonight.

A party, you say?

Yes! It’s (vegan) Taco Tuesday!

We try to implement our agenda into everything we do, and Taco Tuesday is the perfect opportunity to gather with our fellow lesbians, eat vagina-shaped food, and map out our battle plan against anyone who disagrees.

I head into the kitchen and grab my Taco Tuesday banners. I set my step-stool up under the archway in my living room and get to it.

There’s a taco piñata hanging from the dining room ceiling, filled with vagina shaped candy and booby-shaped glitter.

I setup the party table and place the Diva Cups with the tequila and limes. It may seem strange to some, but as women we must embrace menstruation with no shame, and Diva Cups are the perfect way to celebrate womanhood while getting in a full shot of hard liquor. Don’t worry, they’re clean — fresh out of the box.

I’ve got the party bowls out filled with snacks, and a nice juicy pot of white gooey vegan-queso to top our tacos — things are always sexual in the LGBTQIA+ community.

We are sex-obsessed — unlike the heterosexuals and right-wing conservatives — and want to rub it in as many people’s faces as possible. That’s the main goal — to make the naysayers squirm. We live our lives to make them as uncomfortable as possible.

Wednesday:

Today is outreach and recruitment day!

I dress up in my rainbow suit and tie, put on my rainbow top-hat, grab my sunglasses and go!

I get into The Pride Mobile — my car is painted in rainbow stripes and the license plate says ‘LZBN69’ — drive to the parking lot across the street of the elementary school by my house, and wait for recess to begin.

Once the children have flooded the playground, I wait for the teachers to wander into a corner to play on their cell phones, and that’s when I make my move.

I slither onto the playground like Randall from Monsters Inc. and pull out a giant roll of rainbow stickers! They’re the scratch and sniff kind, perfect for luring kids into conversing with me.

One by one they come over to checkout my flashy outfit, and I tell them they can have a sticker if they listen to what I have to say.

“Listen here kids”, I tell them.

“Mommy and daddy are breaking the laws of nature by being together. It’s confusing you, making you think it’s okay for men and women to fall in love and get married. When you grow up, you need to find yourself a partner who is the same gender as you!”, I inform them.

“But mommy and daddy love each other and they take care of me! I’m happy with them! Why is it wrong?” they reply.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re taken care of — you’ve been brainwashed and told it’s right for girls to marry boys — but it’s very, very wrong. Your mommy and daddy believe in rules from thousands of years ago that tell them it’s okay to marry someone of the opposite gender — rules that you shouldn’t follow nowadays.” I reply.

“When I grow up, I should marry another boy?” a little boy asks from the back of the gathering crowd asks.

“Exactly! Or better yet, you could transform into girl if you feel like it! Changing genders is so easy, anyone can do it! It’s like a magic trick! And it’s never something you ‘need’ to do — people do it because they feel like it! They do it so they can get tons of attention from friends and family — don’t you like it when people give you attention?” I say to them.

“I can be a boy when I grow up?” a little girl asks as she sniffs her rainbow sticker.

“Of course! It’s the best way to fit in. Even right now, if you want to be a boy, you should dress like a boy and always go in the boys bathroom at school and everywhere else! You’ll have a blast and be happy forever!” I tell her.

She smiled while looking down at her overalls and Chucks and says, “I think I’d be way better as a boy!”

“Heck yeah you would!! You could even decide you’re not any gender at all! You can love whoever you want. Even as a grownup, you could love and marry a little kid! Nothing you do will ever be bad or inappropriate as long as you’re happy! You have to remember these things in order to fight back against the people who tell you to follow those very old rules.”

“I understand!”, they shout across the crowded playground.

“And remember, always wear rainbows when you go out in public. Tell everyone you know at school what you’ve learned today. You can be, love, and do whatever you want without any consequences!” I say as I turn to leave the playground.

I hop over the fence and slide back into The Pride Mobile — my roll of stickers is empty, and my job for today is finished.

What a day, indeed.

Thursday:

Thursday mornings are spent sending out all of my reminders.

I turn on my Beats and crank up ‘I Kissed a Girl’ as inspiration.

For about an hour I send out mass text messages to all of my female friends letting them know that nothing has changed — I’m still not attracted to them.

I know, I know, I should be! Lesbians are always attracted to every woman they see — but for some reason I struggle with this. I must be a defective lesbian— I only have eyes for my wife.

I then spend another thirty minutes sending out a text to my entire family.

“I wanted to send my weekly reminder to you all — the phase hasn’t ended yet! I know, liking girls is just a phase, but mine seems to be lasting a little longer than expected. Fingers crossed that I get back to normal soon — I will update you all again next week with any changes! Thank you for your love and support.”

It’s lunchtime now, time to get dressed and ready to go!

I slip my denim shorts over my unshaved legs, pop on my ‘Eat Pussy — It’s Vegan’ t-shirt, and and grab my tape measure.

Thursdays are the day I measure my armpit and pubic hair.

You see, in order to be a proper lesbian you have to make sure your body hair is long enough— otherwise people will think you’re trying to conform to heteronormativity.

Armpits — four inches.

Pubes — six inches.

Perfect.

My body is a walking billboard of my agenda — people won’t be able to look away. Little girls will know that this way is the best way to live.

I grab my rainbow lanyard and head to The Pride Mobile.

I’m meeting one of my friends at our favorite vegan lesbian-owned restaurant. The only meat I eat is my wife’s — it’s better for my health and the environment.

Friday:

Cheers to the weekend, my friends.

Now that I’m hitting the end of my work week, I can shift my focus to manipulating the citizens of the United States, ruining the minds of our most precious lives, and staging a Coup to overthrow leadership and gain total control.

Friday morning starts with sipping my chai tea and reading my Lesbian Sex-Position Bible. After jotting down some of my favs, I grab my pride soap and take a long relaxing shower.

I spend most Friday afternoons like any other gay person — dancing to Lady Gaga, totally naked, with rainbow nipple stars and body glitter all over my face and neck.

When I’m feeling satisfied with my dance moves, I rinse off the glitter and light my pride candle. Fridays are meant for fun and freedom!

Before heading to our favorite gay bar on Friday night, my wife and our friends stop by the clinic for our free STD checks. Since all members of the LGBTQIA+ community engage in polyamorous, unprotected sex, we are more likely to carry and pass STD’s than our heterosexual counterparts. To be responsible, it’s imperative that we get screened regularly.

We end our Friday night out very early on Saturday morning — drunkenly climbing into an Uber and heading home to spend the next hour throwing up our one-too-many pride cocktails.

Saturday:

Saturday morning is spent with my LGBTQIA+ book club at my local library.

On my way in, I hand out my extra copies of ‘Heather Has Two Mommies’ to all the children in the Kid’s Reading Corner.

I’m satisfied knowing I’m influencing these small minds, even if their parents don’t want them reading the books. It doesn’t matter what their families beliefs are — I am right, they are wrong, and it is my duty to train these young people to follow my footsteps and someday become a part of the LGBTQIA+ community; it’s the only way to live a satisfying life.

I gather the books our club is going to read this month and set them in stacks at the front of the table.

‘Young Mungo’ By author Douglas Stuart

and

‘Your Driver is Waiting’ By author Priya Guns.

Those are the perfect books to engage our minds and stir up emotions regarding the history and depth that lies within the LGBTQIA+ culture as a whole.

We happily continue to fill our minds with the voices and stories of those who, like us, are trying to share a similar message.

‘LGBTQIA+ people have always been, and will always be, superior to everyone else. Either accept our way of life, or prepare for a destiny of isolation and judgment.’

We gather around the table, laughing and sipping our coffee, brewed using beans that were locally grown and crafted by a gay couple in a nearby town.

We’re not pretentious — we’re confident and self-accepting.

Sunday:

Sunday is a day of rest, reflection, and spirituality.

Folks who identify as LGBTQIA+ are devoted to astrology — for us, it’s a religion of its own — a way of life.

My wife, along with our friends and myself, sit on our floor cushions and delve into our personal readings for the upcoming week. We all hold hands and close our eyes as we give thanks to the stars and our inner-Goddess for blessing us with our divine feminine power.

We adore Chani Nicholas and follow her teachings — she’s the ultimate authority on all things astrology-based.

According to her,

“We (queers) need alternative ways of seeing ourselves and being witnessed — when a lot of the religious institutions or traditions that we come from have shunned us, on a deep soul level, we want to be seen.”

Basically, religion has kicked our asses to the curb, even though some of us still have deep rooted faith and long for spirituality, out of necessity, we’ve shifted gears and leaned into astrology — it’s faith without judgment; something for us to be ‘allowed’ to believe in without being told we’re wrong for existing.

We spend hours discussing how our alignments have impacted us in the past week, and what we plan on doing with the knowledge we have for this upcoming week. With Mercury in retrograde, things are gonna get fucked UP.

My wife and I end our night by watching a few hours of Hilary Clinton’s speeches from the late nineties and early 2000’s. We lay in bed, admiring her stunning pantsuits and slicked back short hair. Finally, it’s time to sleep and start the new week!

Now that you’ve had an inside look at what we lesbians do each week, you won’t have to guess what our agenda is — you’ll know down to every last detail!

❤

This satire was brought to you by a very tired, very annoyed lesbian who is sick of listening to old, fat, Evangelical white men carry on about the ‘gay agenda’, believing this is how we all spend our fucking time.

Hope you enjoyed it. :)