If You’re Newly Divorced, It’s Okay to Be a Little Selfish.

The six strategies that helped me heal after divorce can help you, too.

“But it sounds so selfish.” Jill said as she considered her counselor’s words.

“I understand, but think about it: If you’re not healthy, how can you be good to anyone else?”

She knew there was truth in his statement, but she hated selfishness. It’s one of the reasons she divorced her ex-husband. His selfishness led to multiple affairs and the ultimate demise of their marriage.

Recently divorced, Jill hadn’t known the first thing about recovery, but she had to start somewhere and began seeing a counselor. During the first session, he said that the best place to start the recovery process sounded selfish at first glance. But…

…she needed to focus on herself.

Focusing on herself was the best thing she could do. And he assured her it wasn’t selfish.

Though she didn’t like the advice, the six practical tips he gave her sounded promising. He even wrote them on paper so she wouldn’t forget them. As she read them over, she felt a sense of hope because she now had the beginnings of a recovery game plan.

His list of tips read as follows:

Tip 1: Above all, don’t run away from your grief. Face it.

Only by facing it would she be able to deal with it.

She knew that was true. As much as she was afraid to face the pain, she couldn’t avoid it forever. Though it sounded scary, he offered her a second suggestion that would assist.

Tip 2: Keep a journal.

Jill wasn’t much of a writer, but she’d dabbled with journaling in the past. She couldn’t wait to shop for a new journal and a pen at her local dollar store. In her new journal, she would divulge her deepest feelings, thoughts, and fears as a way to process what she was going through. He’d even provided some prompts to get her started.

Tip 3: Find support.

The journaling was good, but support from others was crucial. Jill had a small group of friends, but they weren’t divorced. So, her counselor suggested DivorceCare. She found a local chapter and planned to join ASAP. She would also learn all she could about recovery.

Tip 4: Learn about the recovery process through books or other resources.

Jill had already visited her local library and picked up three books about divorce recovery. And she was already half-way through the first one. Reading about the recovery process and how others healed, gave her a sense of hope that she didn’t have before.

Tip 5: Remember self-care.

The divorce felt like an all-consuming battle at times, but her counselor advised her to keep up with her hobbies like painting and drawing. This would allow her to relax and ground herself in the present. She needed that more than ever. It was far too easy to look back with regret or ahead with anxiety. Then again, he suggested some forward-thinking was good.

Tip 6: Set goals.

The final tip was to set goals. They didn’t have to be big, but achieving goals would help build her confidence.

As her confidence was at an all-time low, she chose something she was already good at. She’d cook a new recipe a week. Maybe in the future, she’d set and reach bigger goals.

Although Jill is a fictional character, she represents many of us who’ve experienced the trauma of divorce.

If you’ve recently divorced, you may feel like she did, unsure of what to do or how to move forward. I understand as I have been there too.

And while it may sound selfish to focus on yourself, it’s necessary for recovery. Of course, it’s not a bad idea to help others as you feel able. Helping others can keep you from being consumed by your emotional pain. But be cautious of helping others as a way to avoid facing your own pain.

Denial is a form of grief, and grief after divorce is real. You can and should allow yourself to process the grief. It’s part of the healing process.

“You need to face the pain and the fear and walk through the Grief.”

Philip C. McGraw

If you’re newly divorced, I hope you’ll consider incorporating a few of these tips. They helped me.

My healing didn’t happen overnight, but as I implemented these — and other — recovery strategies, I found healing. Attending DivorceCare was especially helpful, a turning point in my recovery. Admitting I needed help and finding that help made a difference.

Although divorce often feels like the end — and in some ways it is — it’s often the beginning of a new and beautiful chapter in your life.

May these tips and words of encouragement bless you on your road to recovery.

Note: This article is also on my blog.

Also, note that many health insurance plans cover counseling.