The best revenge is seeing a narcissist for who they are
There’s nothing a narcissist hates more than being seen for who they truly are.
by: E.B. Johnson
Have you finally started to see the narcissist in your life for who they really are? While this is a powerful moment in your life, it can open the door on a lot of injuries you didn’t realize were there. Seeing all the damage that’s been done, you can feel the need for revenge bubbling up. There’s no getting even with a narcissist, though. Not in the sense that we know it. The only way to get back at the narcissist who’s done us wrong is to rise above their antics and see them for who they truly are.
Don’t seek revenge on a narcissist.
You might be looking at the narcissist in your life and waiting for a chance to strike back, but it will never come. That’s because the narcissist’s ego is impenetrable. No matter what evidence you have against them, they will find a way to make you the villain in any story that you share. There are many more reasons you shouldn’t seek revenge on a narcissist, though, and they’re important lessons to mark.
The battle will never end
Any battle you start with a narcissist will never end. Do you have the stamina to keep defending yourself against their attacks forever? The narcissist will win at any cost. Their ego doesn’t allow them to do anything less. If you attack them, call them out, or otherwise engage in conflict with them — they will take you down and they will do what they can to make sure you stay down. The narcissist can’t afford to have you expose their weaknesses.
It will become justification
Fighting with a narcissist almost always becomes justification for their continued bad behavior. They will use your call outs and self-defense as an opportunity to slander you, demean you, and continually manipulate and control you. Instead of giving them fuel for the fire (knowing they will destroy you at any cost) the better approach is to first see them for who they are, then walk away from them with no further discussion.
It’s a waste of your energy
We have a finite amount of energy when it comes to life. You only have so much focus and effort in your when it comes to work, managing your relationships, and keeping your life afloat in general. Taking on the narcissists in a pointless pursuit of revenge wrecks all of that for us. When you do battle with a narcissist, you are wearing yourself thin and taking the energy you have to pursue better things in your life.
You don’t have time for it
Because the battle with a narcissist is never-ending, it’s important that you make sure you have endless time for emotional warfare and mental self-defense. Do you want to wake up every day looking for the knife behind you? Or do you want to get away and focus on making your life better? You could be spending that time improving your own opportunities instead of hopelessly attempting to improve the life of someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
It’s not worth the risk
Frankly, fighting with a narcissist isn’t worth the risk. There’s no such thing as losing when you’re dealing with someone who is both self-obsessed and horribly insecure. They will try to take you down everywhere that it matters, including with your employers, your friends, and even your fellow family members. Is getting into a war with the narcissist worth all the extra conflict? Not if you want you’re focused on a healing journey to peace.
See them for who they are instead.
Instead of trying to ruin the narcissist the way they ruined us, we have to get revenge by seeing them for who they are instead. This is one thing that they narcissist cannot tolerate. Insecure at their core, they wear a grand facade in an attempt to distract themselves and the world from their flaws. Are you set on getting even with the narcissist who hurt you? Acknowledge those flaws they hide from and remove their power over you once and for all.
1. Don’t engage with their conflict
There’s no getting out of a narcissistic relationship without a little conflict. This is especially true as you realize who the narcissist is and naturally detach from them. These are not individuals who like to lose power over anyone or anything. Controlling a situation is how they give themselves a sense of peace. They will fight your break from them with everything they know to use. So it’s important that you take steps to protect yourself by disengaging with the madness.
As you separate with a narcissist (or acknowledge who they are) you will notice a kickback. Narcissists have to be in control of the friends and loved ones around them, whatever the cost. When those people begin to wake up, it creates conflict as the narcissist struggles to retain the power of manipulation over them.
Don’t engage with the conflict. Prepare yourself for the storm that’s coming and know that the best way to respond to it is by not responding at all. There’s “snapping back” with the narcissist. Even a valid point will be turned on its head. You will always be the villain when it comes to these confrontations, and the narcissist will not hesitate to make you look like the villain to others too. When they get confrontational, you need to find a way to rise above it.
2. Keep a record of their slip-ups
There’s no better way to find a pattern than to create a record of it. This is a super-skill when we’re dealing with true narcissists. In order to pain a more accurate picture of who they are (both to ourselves and othesr around us) it’s imperative that we start recording our encounters and how they make us feel. While it may sound silly, this is one of the simplest ways in which to gain clarity on the patterns of narcissistic friendship and connection that are upsetting our relationships.
When the drama begins to heighten, start keeping a record of the narcissist’s bad behavior. It’s too hard to see them as they are when we’re close to their manipulation. So, we have to take steps to make sure their patterns are clear to us. The best way to do this is to get a journal and make a list.
The narcissist is going to reveal their true colors. Let them. Write it down when they do. Every time they throw a fit or make you feel bad, make a record of it with the date. Describe the situation, what happened to trigger it, and how you felt after the encounter. Do this faithfully. After a few weeks (or months), look back over the record you’ve made. What do you see? The patterns of a person who demands that the world bends to their will — no matter the cost.
3. Avoid giving them ammunition
Narcissists really only care about their own gratification and happiness when everything gets boiled down to one central point. That’s why they are so willing to abuse the loved ones around them. Their feelings and experiences mean little to the narcissist. The only reason they often invest in things like conversation or shared experiences is so that they can glean information that allows them to manipulate and control the people who surround them.
Stop giving the narcissist in your life information that they can use against you. Avoid giving the ammunition by detaching yourself emotionally from them. Don’t tell them about what’s going on at work. Don’t give them the name of new friends, or tell them about any of the great new experiences you’re having.
You can still be friendly and civil to the narcissists when it’s required, but you don’t have to let them into the corners of your life you care about. Only share things with them that you would share with a stranger on the bus. Make the assumption that all information they hold will be used against you in one way or the other. It’s the only safe way to deal with someone of this caliber. What’s important to you means nothing to the narcissist. It’s only valuable to them, so long as it makes you more pliable or complacent about their bad behavior.
4. Stop feeding their ego
The narcissists ego is the primary focal point of everything they do. At their core, they are critically insecure, so they blow up these insane views of self that enable them to put themselves in places of undeserved superiority. That’s why they only surround themselves with people who will feed that ego and play along with their sense of being superior. When you see them for who they are, however, this game becomes impossible.
Stop feeding your narcissist’s ego and observe how substantially your relationship with them changes . You don’t have to sit them down and give them a big “what-for”. You don’t have to do battle or make them any more of a focal point than they already are.
Even as the narcissist kicks off with their tantrums and antics, it won’t matter. That’s because you’ve already emotionally detached yourself enough to strip them of any power or ammunition to use against you. While they rail against you, you will have the ability to stand back and expose them to the world. “See,” you will be able to say in triumph. “This is who they are.” There’s no need for you to put yourself in a place of pain. Stop feeding their ego and let the narcissist out themselves so others can see them as they are too.
Putting it all together…
We’ve all encountered narcissists in our lives, some overt and some covert. While every narcissist is a little different, they all wreak havoc on the lives of those who love them. In the wake of this havoc we can desire revenge, but there’s no getting even with narcissists and their egos. Instead of getting revenge, do the one thing no true narcissist can stand: see them entirely for who they are — flaws and all.
Don’t engage in any of the conflict that the narcissist brings your way. They are going to throw a fit as you remove their emotional hold over you. Stop allowing their tantrums to get in your way. Step back and simply watch. Observe their selfish behavior and their manipulative ways. Keep a record and keep a description of all the times they’ve crossed you, gaslighted you, or otherwise tried to make you feel inferior to them. Avoid giving them any ammunition over you. Slowly, detach yourself emotionally and stop telling them anything about your life that you deem “important”. Allow your relationship with them to grow cooler and cooler. Take another step back as you stop feeding their ego and watch what happens. More and more, the narcissist will be forced to expose themselves and your need for revenge will be gone. You’ll be free to live your best life.
