Summary

The quality of close relationships is the most significant predictor of happiness, as supported by the Harvard Adult Development Study and the experiences shared by the author.

Abstract

The article emphasizes that happiness is not determined by success or wealth but by the quality of one's close relationships. Drawing on the longest longitudinal psychological study, the Harvard Adult Development Study, it reveals that good friendships provide the essential elements of authenticity, unconditional acceptance, and empathic understanding, which are crucial for personal growth and well-being. The author reflects on personal experiences with lifelong friends, illustrating how these relationships have offered support during tough times and contributed to personal development through honest exchanges and acceptance of differing opinions. The study's findings, which contrast with the values of the "Hustle Culture," suggest that strong relationships are vital for both physical and mental health, outweighing the importance of career success or fame.

Opinions

The author believes that having good friends can be as beneficial as therapy, offering authenticity, unconditional acceptance, and empathic understanding.
It is suggested that conflicts and differing opinions within friendships are valuable for personal growth and learning.
The article posits that the "Hustle Culture," which prioritizes work over personal relationships, may lead to a misguided pursuit of happiness.
The author expresses that the realization of the importance of relationships often comes late in life, as evidenced by the reflections of people on their deathbed.
Loneliness is portrayed as a significant health risk, comparable to smoking or alcoholism, emphasizing the critical role of social connections in overall well-being.
The author encourages readers to recognize and cherish the value of close relationships in their pursuit of happiness.

The Best Predictor for Your Happiness

It is not your success

The best predictor for happiness is the quality of close relationships. This is the finding of the Harvard Adult Development Study, the longest longitudinal psychological study ever been conducted.

Carl Rogers one of the best psychologists from across history, predicted this when he talked about the fact that you might not need therapy if you have good friends. Those friends could offer you the 3 things that were also found within the therapeutic act, authenticity, unconditional acceptance, and emphatic understanding.

Real connections

I was fortunate enough to have very good friends. I met some of them at school, in my first grade, others while playing video games together. The same people that I regarded as friends as a kid, remained my friends over the years. I am 23 years old now, and they are still here.

Having actual friends that cared about me, has taught me to identify what an actual friend would look like. We don’t realize but we always broadcast a way of being through our actions. My friends were teaching me, how to recognize good people.

Empathic understanding

I could always rely on them when I needed to. They were there when times were good, but also when terrible things came into my life.

They didn’t try to solve my problems but were there to listen to my struggles. A lot of times we just want a person to hear us out.

Back when I was really sick, I developed Hyperacusis. It was so severe that I had to ask people to lower their voices while speaking to me, otherwise it would literally cause me pain.

This was very hard on people, as they would do this for a few minutes, then they would forget about it. I could hardly talk with anyone.

My best friends and family were the only people, who I would feel comfortable to repeatedly ask this. They would do it without any sort of resentment.

Authenticity

People mistake friends for yes people. Your friends should have the right to a different opinion. If you only have people around yourself, that try to please you by agreeing with everything you say, you are in big trouble.

I got into conflicts with my friends, because of the different opinions that we’ve had, but we would always reach some sort of understanding. Being confronted with different opinions helps you grow.

I remember that at some point, one of them started to believe that the Earth was flat. We had a lot of discussions about it. After a lot of arguments and a search that he had done himself, he changed his mind. Talking to him I learned a lot about why people would believe something like this.

Unconditional acceptance

You need to have people in your life that accept you just as you are.

That doesn’t mean that you can be a terrible human being and expect people will bow to you. To unconditionally accept someone, doesn’t mean that you should accept anything from a person. It means making a connection with who the person is, not who you think it should be.

I wished that my friend wouldn’t have believed that the Earth is flat. That he would take into consideration scientific proof, not pseudoscience. He simply wasn’t like that during that time of his life.

I knew him well, and that at some point I believed that he will figure out what is right and what is not. He did, but he had to make the journey to truth himself.

The biggest regret people have

You would believe that people that were realizing at their deathbed that everything that mattered was their family and friends was a cliche. It isn’t.

The Harvard Adult Development Study begin in 1938, tracking 268 Harvard sophomores. It tracked some of these people for about 80 years, gathering an abundant amount of data on their mental and physical health. It wasn’t a physical marker like cholesterol that predicted how healthy their going to be as they grow old, but the quality of their relationships.

“Loneliness kills. It’s as powerful as smoking or alcoholism.”

— Robert Waldinger

What they found through their study is that having good relationships was not only better for their physical health but also better for their mental health. In the study, they also have taken into account their fame, wealth, and IQ. But the inclusions of these factors hadn't changed the final result. That the people that were close in their life mattered more than anything else for their happiness.

In the Hustle Culture, that values work above anything else, this seems a result that needs to be mentioned more. We seem to think that our careers are more important than our close ones, but they are not. No matter how wealthy, successful or famous you are, you will still be miserable if you will enjoy all of it alone.

I believe this can be a reassuring thing because it helps you realize that the things you searching for with intense devotion, are already there. They were with you since your very beginnings are if you are careful enough, they will be there until your ending. The close people that cherish you and love you are the thing that you were looking for.

What do you believe, is the quality of your close relationships the most important thing for your happiness?

Let me know in the comments