Why it’s good to have dated a narcissist
Bondi Beach, Sydney – taken by yours truly
“Anyone here want to date this guy who’s a diagnosed narcissistic psychopath and who has cheated on, lied and abused his previous partners?” If there was a room full of people and a host asking for any volunteers to date a narcissistic psychopath, I doubt there’d be many takers. Even if the volunteer was being paid a million bucks, no amount of money is worth being the target of a narcissistic psychopath.
But unfortunately, many of us didn’t enter into a relationship with a narcissist/ psychopath knowingly. We thought we were entering into a relationship with our soulmate, the love of our life, someone who finally appreciated and cherished us with all his heart. By the time we find out that he’s actually a monster behind the mask, the damage has been done. It’s too late to unwind the clock and reverse the trauma we’ve suffered and the scars we still bear. The only thing we can do is accept what has happened to us and try to move past the betrayal, the trauma, the hurt and the despair.
Now, I’m definitely not a fan of toxic positivity. There’s not much to be positive about when you’ve recently come out of a relationship with a narcissist/ psychopath. But there is one huge positive thing, and that’s the opportunity for self-growth.
Often it takes something so traumatic to happen for us to make some much needed mindset and lifestyle changes in our life. A challenge like this can force you to self-reflect (but it should not be in the self-blaming way – you were not to blame for your narcissistic ex’s behaviour). While you’re healing, you can take the opportunity to develop your self-awareness – what your triggers are, what methods help soothe you, what brings you peace, what you enjoy doing by yourself and what your boundaries are. When some time has passed, you’ll realise that your relationship with the narcissist / psychopath was actually the catalyst for you becoming a wiser and stronger person.
Here are some ways that your past relationship with a narcissist/ psychopath can help with your self-growth.
- Recognise what attracted you to the narcissist in the first place
While you should never blame yourself for being the target of a narcissist/ psychopath, it is also important to reflect on whether you have some insecurity or vulnerability that the narcissist / psychopath preyed on. Maybe you were lonely, or you were feeling under-appreciated, or your self-esteem was at an all time low when you met your ex. Or maybe you have some childhood wounds and attachment issues that drew you to him, e.g. he reminded you of how your dad treated your mum. If you have codependent tendencies, you might have entered into the relationship to ‘escape’ from yourself – ie you wanted to help him through his issues so you could feel good about yourself.
You can think about what exactly made you fall in love with your ex during the lovebombing phase and that will be your bullseye. For me, it was about my craving for external validation and reassurance that I was doing okay – so I now know that I need to give myself the validation and not rely on anyone else to soothe me.
We all have childhood wounds and insecurities so the point is not to beat yourself up over it. It’s about becoming self-aware of your weaknesses so you’re less likely to fall for the next narcissist /psychopath you meet, and developing healthy strategies to cope with whatever insecurity or childhood wounds you have.
2. Focus on self-care and lifestyle changes
After the betrayal, in your darkest moments, you would have had your methods to help you get through the pain (we’re talking healthy methods only please – not alcohol and rebounds). What methods were they? Can adopt them regularly to lead a more balanced life?
Sometimes traumatic events bring us to discover our spirituality and faith, which becomes an invaluable part of our lives. Perhaps prayer, yoga and meditation helped you feel more balanced during your darkest moments. Now you can start a regular prayer, yoga and meditation practice. Or perhaps you found comfort through reconnecting with your family. If that’s the case, then fabulous – your break up has helped you become closer to your parents, your siblings etc.
Now the focus is on you and not him, so you can discover what self care methods work for you. When you slow down and focus on your health and your own needs, you can reconnect with yourself. Maybe you realise that taking a daily morning walk before work lifts your mood for the rest of the day. Maybe you realise that you’ve always been sleep deprived and that you actually need closer to 9 hours sleep each night to function at your best. Maybe you realise that you don’t need to push yourself to the brink to feel good about yourself – that it’s okay to slow down and watch Netflix in bed.
3. Develop stronger boundaries
After you reflect on what attracted you to your narcissist ex, you can develop stronger boundaries. You can work out what behaviour you will and won’t tolerate in your next relationship. You can work out what you need and value in a partner. You can also work out what you can change in your own behaviour to make sure your boundaries are being respected. Basically, thanks to your ex, you can become less of a pushover (think Katy Perry’s Roar).
Boundaries don’t just apply to romantic relationships. They can apply to friendships, your relationship with workplace colleagues and your relationship with your family. For example, if you have a tendency for picking up the slack at work and with your family (which your narcissistic ex took advantage of), then you can now step back and let someone else put the effort in. Or if you know that you have difficulty saying ‘no’ to people even when you feel like it, you can practise giving less f***s and saying no more often.
These changes are all hugely positive which can help you cope with the next set of lemons that life throws at you (because that’s life, there’s always going to be pain). Now, would all of this have happened if you had never met the narcissist / psychopath? Maybe not. Keep calm and keep carrying on.