The Benefits of Being An Outcast And Lone Wolf

You stop relying on the validation and approval of others

One critique I’ve gotten in the past about my character is that I’m the type of person who can’t make decisions by himself. I generally need to be liked, accepted, praised, and need the approval of a bunch of people before I can make a decision by myself. I seek validation from others because I struggle with the self-sufficiency and confidence to stand by my decisions, mistakes, and beliefs myself. I worry a lot about what other people think.

Well, that was about four years ago, and I like to think I’ve gotten a lot better at being more independent, and not needing other people’s praise and validation. I still need to be told I’m doing a great job and I’m improving and on the right track by my fiancee, colleagues, bosses, professors, and friends alike.

But one way I’ve largely gotten over the biggest excesses of being someone who needs the approval and validation of a hundred people is by being an outcast.

And four years later, I realize being an outcast in various ways was the best thing that could have happened to me.

No one sets out to be an outcast

“Of course, no one benefits from being rejected. And whether you were in the inside or outside crowd in high school, any rejection can take a toll on your psyche and self-esteem.” — Christina Luconi, VentureFizz

Being an outcast sucks. The worst thing that can happen in middle school, when you’re going through an awkward stage of puberty and trying to figure out where you fit in, is to be the odd man out. You might be the nerd. You might be the uncool one. You might be someone people just don’t like for no good reason.

But it happens to a lot of people. Not being an outcast was the one goal I had throughout high school and college.

And then it happened. I won’t go into the specifics, but during my senior year of college, I found myself an outsider in a social circle I considered my biggest community and family outside my own. A large part of me wished it wasn’t the case and lamented the various ways I didn’t deserve my exile and all this was a crazy injustice.

Regardless, I never realized at the time I was being done a huge favor. I had to branch out of my comfort zone and find other people to be friends with. I had to become comfortable not seeking out other people’s approval, not being liked in certain respects, being misunderstood, being in the out-group rather than the in-group, and not being cool anymore.

I had to be comfortable being alone and being a lone wolf. Instead of doing what everyone else did and following the moral code of a community, I had to find and follow my own and seek out other answers other than the ones I found before. At that time, I found solace in ministry and Christian faith-based communities. But I didn’t blindly follow everything I was told or read online — I wanted to figure things out for myself and question.

You get more comfortable being alone, and become much more of a leader than a follower

I found solace in the fact that even in my darkest days when I was an outcast, some of my closest friends stood by me. These friends are the groomsmen and top of the list at my wedding.

Now, I don’t march to the beat of other people’s drums. I’m always a skeptic. I always question. I always follow my moral compass of what I believe is right and abide by it. I started to worry a lot less about what other people thought of me.

Even in the faith-based circles that accepted me when others didn’t, I openly question the militant anti-abortion stance of so many Christian friends. I’ve even distanced myself from going to churches that cheered on the Dobbs decision that overturned Roe v. Wade. I’ve been chastised for pro-LGBTQ stances for “celebrating sin,” but I am forging a path being a Christian that fights for equality, and celebrates people’s identities and rights without becoming abhorrently conservative and not loving my neighbor as myself.

In this day and age where we’re constantly told what to think, I form my own opinions, even if I don’t express them. I am similarly outcast in different ways that are hard to explain. Yes, I did some things to deserve the status.

I’m not saying this as being special. And I do not completely march to the beat of my own drum all the time. I still care what some people think of me. I care about whether my boss likes my performance, and I want to do right by my colleagues. I want to do right by my fiancee, close friends, and family (although I am willing to cast aside loyalty for what I believe is the right thing to do in certain moments).

You become a kinder person and become friends with other outcasts

The first time I was an outcast was in middle school. I’m not sure if it was completely in my head due to social anxiety (it probably was) or if people actually actively made me an outcast. But I felt like I didn’t fit in at all due to various insecurities that are tough to explain, like being really nervous about whether people could hear my breathing or being nervous about my stomach making really loud noises in a quiet classroom.

It sounds very trivial and minor in hindsight (especially since no one bullied me or anything), but when you’re 14, have anxiety, and have a lot going on at home you think you can’t be forgiven for things like that.

And so I was incredibly quiet and shy. People commented that it was rare for me to say even a word in middle school. I gradually grew out of my shell and became significantly more extroverted, but I am incredibly grateful I did go through that experience — because it made me much nicer and kinder towards others, especially others who similarly felt like they were outcasts.

Some of my closest friends today fit that same mold. There was something “weird” about them that people talked about. They didn’t say a word. A lot of people didn’t want to associate with them.

But because I knew the pain of social exclusion and not being accepted at an early age, I made a very concerted effort to include some of my really quiet friends (I don’t want to necessarily label them as outcasts because they may not see themselves as such) and make them feel welcome with myself and my social circles.

I didn’t try to only boost my social status among cool and popular people, but among the people I could tell struggled to fit in and felt left out.

And so being an outcast, outsider, and lone wolf has plenty of drawbacks. It feels terrible, for one, and it can cause a lot of loss of identity and deprive you of essential interpersonal connections.

But in a day and age and cruel world where people are ostracized for all sorts of things — their religion, the color of their skin, their gender identity, their unpopular beliefs, their disability, their family, or some other part of themselves they have no control over, I think a lot of us learn the hard way to not seek other people’s validation and take our own paths over those of a group.

Being an outcast makes you form your sense of self and identity more than anything else does. It makes you form your own sense of right and wrong, your own belief system, your own self-sufficiency and independence, and above all, sometimes it will make you a kinder person with an appreciation of other people similarly labeled outcasts.

It’s not something that’s easy or something anyone necessarily seeks out. But it’s incredibly helpful for growing up and maturing into your own self, rather than someone reliant and dependent on the social approval and validation of others.