The Benefits of Being Abusive
As told by abusive men
Without prejudice.
“Toxic masculinity” is a phrase we commonly hear in relation to gender inequality and violence, whether it’s domestic violence, aggressive behaviour, sexual assaults, or abuse in general, especially towards women or members of the LGBTQ community. It refers to the general “norms” in society on how men should behave, but takes it one step further in that it causes harm to others. It’s generally accepted that more harm is caused to women and children because of it, but some definitions will also mention the harm to males themselves, as they should. It affects us all to varying degrees, regardless of our gender. But I’ll go one step further with this in terms of the harm it causes: it’s more damaging to women and children in our current society quite simply because it’s of less benefit to them.
To give some context, it’s important to delve into some of the statistics and look at the differences between the sexes and the reasons for abusing in the first place.
According to reporter, Sonia Sodha, in her Guardian newspaper article [Link here: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/mar/06/male-violence-against-women-much-more-than-toxic-masculinity ]:
“Any analysis of violence has to begin with the stark difference between the sexes. The vast majority of violence is committed by men — more than four-fifths of violent crime and an even greater proportion of sex offences. While men are also more likely to be victims of violent crime, women are overwhelmingly more likely to be victims of severe domestic abuse. (One of the reasons single-sex spaces have become the norm in prisons, hospital wards and refuges: it is a simple rule of thumb to safeguard against male violence.)”
She further expands on the stark difference in the violence itself between men and women:
“Interestingly, the difference in physical aggression between the average man and the average women is moderate — to put it in context, about a quarter as significant as average sex differences in height. The big difference comes at the extremes of the distribution: there are many more very violent men than women.”
While it’s accepted that female perpetrators of violence exist, the reasons behind why a female resorts to violence would seem very different to the reasons for violence by a male counterpart.
A study conducted by the NCADV (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence) [link here: https://assets.speakcdn.com/assets/2497/why_women_use_force_or_violence_in_intimate_partner_relationships.pdf ] reveals:
“Various researchers studying women’s violent behavior toward intimate partners have asserted that women’s main motivation is self-defense. Many have found that women who use physical force against intimate partners are battered women themselves and strike out to stop attacks on themselves and/or to escape such attacks.
A number of other studies point to a medley of reasons for battered women’s assaultive behavior that ranges from retaliating or punishing for past hurt to gaining emotional attention, expressing anger, and reacting to frustration as well as stress (Bachman & Carmody, 1994; Dasgupta, 1999; Faith, 1993; Fiebert & Gonzalez, 1997; Follingstad, Wright, & Sebastian, 1991; Gonzalez, 1997; Hamberger et al., 1994, 1997; Lillja, 1995; Straus, 1999). Taken individually, the majority of these reasons would not generally meet the standards of legal or social approval as they are not executed in self-defense.”
It also highlights:
“Society’s propensity to glamorize or to ignore violence in all its many forms perpetuates a culture of dominance and brutality. Women’s reactions to this societal norm is understandable as they are simply conforming to their environment”
What’s particularly striking is the reasons why men abuse women and how they are entirely different to those cited above. The main reason why men abuse women centres around their beliefs, and the desire to have their needs met. The assumption that there will be no consequences or punishment for their behaviour is also a huge factor, but ultimately it’s about power and control. It’s worth noting that domestic violence and abuse do not necessarily come in physical or sexual form either. Verbal, psychological/emotional, financial and institutional abuse are just some of the other methods an abuser will use to maintain control. Physical and sexual may or may not be used, depending on what is necessary to have their needs met. The scary part for women is that these men are absolutely right on the assumption of no consequences or punishment, at least for the majority. We are guilty as a society for reinforcing this, particularly when it comes to gender-based sexual assaults and domestic abuse. [Source: https://stopabusecampaign.org/2019/01/03/why-men-abuse-women-and-what-makes-them-stop/ ]
The Stop Abuse Campaign have hit the nail on the head when they state:
“Men and boys receive misinformation from many sources in the community that encourage the mistreatment of women. Our sad history of tolerating husbands’ abuse of their wives supports this misinformation. Communities will have to change fundamental beliefs, practices and values in order to prevent domestic violence.”
For any domestic abuse victims and survivors, this doesn’t offer much comfort or hope, at least not in our lifetime. The benefits are too great to abusive men for them to want to change. Mistreating women gets their needs met with little chance of punishment, and collectively, as a society, we are, however unwittingly, cheering them on. The onus is on us to change and to hold abuser’s fully accountable for their behaviour. We can demonstrate a zero-tolerance to begin with by educating ourselves properly on the nuances of domestic abuse and trauma responses, but also by recognizing and accepting that we all hold varying degrees of gender-bias in our approach to domestic abuse and violence.
I’ll close with an extract from an article by Chuck Derry, from the “Voice Male” publication (link below), which caught my attention and prompted me to write this piece. It shares quotes that come directly from abusive men who have been sanctioned by the courts and forced to engage in a rehabilitation programme.
We may dismiss the subsequent quotes as coming from “criminals” and safely convince ourselves that this is them, not us. But please remember, that these are men who may come from “normal” families, and may have depicted the “family” image to neighbours and friends, many having children and a wife/partner. They could be the “nice” guy you work with, or the “funny” guy you have a laugh with in the pub, or the “charmer” you flirt with in the gym. An abuser doesn’t come with a warning sign and can outwardly be a nice, friendly, funny, charming guy — just like you! What differs is how they behave when they shut their front door. That’s when they release the full extent of what they believe they are entitled to do on their spouse/partner and children. They are living among us and could be our best friends, brothers, sons, neighbours, club coaches, church-goers, leaders, company directors or unemployed, rich or poor; men from all walks of life. The main difference between them and other men is that their beliefs may have led them to a threshold of violence which their spouse/partner was no longer prepared to accept and she finally took action. Unlike so many others. Then, she was listened to and believed. Unlike so many others.
The findings may come as a shock to some (others who have experienced domestic abuse and/or sexual assault — not so much!), may be distressing/triggering for others, or may cause a few feathers to ruffle or chests to puff out, but here they are, from the mouths of abusive men:
“Here is a list of the benefits they cited (until we ran out of space):
She’s scared and won’t go out and spend money
Get your way: go out
Respect
She won’t argue
Feeling superior: she’s accountable to me in terms of being somewhere on time: I decide
Keeps relationship going — she’s too scared to leave
Get the money
Get sex
Total control in decision making
Use money for drugs
Don’t have to change for her
Power
Decide where to go (as a couple)
Who to see
What to wear
Control the children
If she’s late, she won’t be again
Intimidation
She’s scared & can’t confront me
Can convince her she’s screwin’ up
She feels less worthy so defers to my needs and wants
She will look up to me and accept my decisions without an argument
Decide her social life — what she wears so you can keep your image by how she acts
She’s to blame for the battering
She’s an object
(I get) a robot babysitter, maid, sex, food
Ego booster
She tells me I’m great
Bragging rights
If she works — get her money
Get her to quit job so she can take care of house
Isolate her so friends can’t confront me
Decide how money is spent
“I’m breadwinner”
Buy the toys I want
Take time for myself
She has to depend on me if I break her stuff
I get to know everything
She’s a nurse-maid
She comforts me
Supper on the table
Invite friends over w/o her knowin’ = more work for her
No compromise = more freedom
Don’t have to listen to her complaints for not letting her know stuff
She works for me
I don’t have to help out
I don’t have to hang out with her or kids
Determine what values kids have — who they play with, what school they go to or getting to ignore the process — dictating what they “need” food, clothes, recreation, etc.
Dictate reality, etc.
Kids on my side against her
Kids do what I say
Mold kids/her so that they will help do what I should do
Keeps kids quiet about abuse
Don’t have to get up, take out garbage, watch kids, do dishes, get up at night with kids, do laundry, change diapers, clean house, bring kids to appointments or activities, mop floors, clean refrigerator, etc.
Answer to nobody
Do what you want, when you want to
Get to ignore/deny your history of violence and other irresponsible behavior
Get to write history
Get to determine future
Choose battles & what it will cost her
Proves your superiority
Win all the arguments
Don’t have to listen to her wishes, complaints, anger, fears, etc.
Make the rules then break them when you want
So she won’t get help against you for past beatings because she has no friends to support her and she is confused by my lies
Convince her she’s nuts
Convince her she’s unattractive
Convince her she’s to blame
Convince her she’s the problem
I can dump on her
Can use kids to “spy” on mom
Kids won’t tell mom what I did
Kids won’t disagree with me
Don’t have to talk to her
I’m king of the castle
Can make yourself scarce
Have someone to unload on
Have someone to bitch at
She won’t call police
Tell kids don’t have to listen to mom
Get her to drop charges
Get her to support me to her family, my family, cops, judge, SCIP, prosecutors, etc.
Get her to admit it’s her fault”
In contrast (benefits of giving up, or not using violence):
“The first time I did this exercise I looked at the blackboard and I thought, “Oh my God. Why would they give it up?” I then decided to ask the men: Why give it up? They then filled a two-by-two foot space on the blackboard with things like, “get arrested,” “divorce,” “get protection orders taken out against you,” “adult kids don’t invite you to their weddings,” “have to go to groups like this.” That was about it.”
….Thank you for reading.
Inspired by an article by Chuck Derry entitled: “ABUSIVE MEN DESCRIBE THE BENEFITS OF VIOLENCE” Oct 14, 2015 [found here: https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/ ]
