The Beauty (& Magic) Of Being A Nobody

“Get up on stage they said”….”you should say something; you’ve got all the experience on this topic”….

Shut the **** up! I wanted to yell, get that spotlight OFF me and onto someone else!

My father was head of Toastmasters, a charismatic character who could command the attention of any audience. Growing up, we had visitors galore to our home seeking his advice. Then there was me, an extreme introvert, nerd, someone who really enjoys sitting on the sidelines watching other people with fascination and enjoying seeing them shine.

Being an attention diversion specialist.

I might punch you in the arm if you try to drag me to the front row!

Having an identity and being attached to it has some upsides if you like fame and admiration. It also has some brutal downsides.

Charisma, charm and pied piper-like abilities to lead people are qualities many people admire and aspire to have.

But it can also suck — badly, and in the age of social media, really mess with your head.

We are taught in our influencer, celebrity-focused world that achieving these qualities is something we should aim for.

By worshipping what I refer to as “somebodyness”, we are sending a message to the quiet, non-ambitious, happy-go-lucky folk, that it’s uncool NOT to try and be something (something determined outside of ourselves).

You’re a loser if you are not motivated to get off your ass, get into a head frenzy, and make something of yourself.

I say fuckem and fu#k that! Not because I am sitting here feeling like I have tried and failed, or given up trying to be a somebody, but because I’ve been sitting on the sidelines, deeply saddened by the frenetic madness I see on a daily basis.

Studying the madness.

I am an internet nerd, a member of the behind-the-scenes cheer squad. Technically, my job for the last 20 years has been to measure what people do (and how they feel) after online activities from reading, forum posting and especially buying something. I have watched the metamorphosis of the social platforms from community minded, to profit driven (no matter what the societal cost).

As someone who studies the effects of trying to be somebody online, I studied all the ways our current world messes with mental wellbeing. I even wrote a book about it.

Social Media platforms profit from millions of people trying to be somebodies. The more uncomfortable and unhappy we are in our own skin, the more profitable we (the product) are to them.

Sound cynical? This is measurable fact, not just theory.

Truth is we all want to feel connection with a tribe, this need is built into our very DNA. We are programmed for survival with the herd.

Once upon a time, artists and people who contributed beauty to the world were revered. Musicians still are, if they reach a certain level of success. Contribution was not driven and measured by what generates the most revenue online platforms, but rather what makes us FEEL something beautiful.

Joy was valued, and people who made us feel joy were appreciated.

When you see all of this, as a natural sideline observer, you feel compelled to champion those who spread joy, love and unique interests. I did not use the words unique talents, because the second you use a word which implies that that person must be “special” or a “somebody”, there’s pressure.

Mental decontamination.

I consciously choose NOT to contaminate someone's internal secret garden with the pressure to label themselves.

For me this mindful approach has become a daily choice. One that requires conscious awareness in a world saturated by the pressure to be a somebody.

Over the past few years, and a recent cull of many social media or other online activities, I have rediscovered a wonderful forgotten world.

Being a nobody has some magical benefits!

• You don’t feel the constant anxiety of needing to be someone else’s version of you (not be a “loser”) but embrace your version of you!
• Your stress levels drop with less exposure to crowd induced anxiety.
• You can enjoy beauty again, and appreciate it in other people’s creative endeavours.
• There is no one to compete with, your joy is to the best version of yourself for YOU, it’s your map and your moment, in EVERY moment.
• You discover that there are other people in your tribe. You might be a tribe of weird wood nymphs who love to make mushrooms out of forest floor leaf litter. Who gives a fuc* if someone doesn't get it, it’s not their business. But your tribe is into it, and you can block anyone who has no business trying to invade your tribe’s village. If they want to come in because they are curious, cool bananas, they can take their muddy boots off at the door, or stay outside. Entry is not guaranteed.
• You learn just how much madness can creep in, unconscious messages infiltrate, but you can keep your head and heart clean, by noticing when the somebody training starts training you.
• You remember what YOU like when there are no opinions and resulting inner fear paralyzing any move towards creative interests. Who cares if you want to make pottery and might be crappy at it to begin with? Owning that inkling and allowing that twinkle of enjoyment to trickle in, is beautiful.
• You stop telling people what you enjoy when they ask, unless you’ve worked out they are a tribe member. Don’t cast your pearls to the swine as the saying goes. Tend your garden and keep the snails out.
• You recognize fear-driven responses. When your Amygdala (irrational fight or flight part of your brain) is disasterizing and telling your brain to make up ridiculous terrible scenarios that will likely never happen! You can laugh raucously at how silly and pathetic reality shows are for dramatizing everything in our lives (because it’s profitable to keep us on edge, feeding our dopamine habit.)
• You’ll encourage more weird, cute, silly, shy….[fill in your own thing] tribe members poking their heads out looking for someone like you to hang out with them in a shared village.
• Your garden plants don’t die because you forget to water them (or that they exist because your head is elsewhere).
• You discover stuff you sucked at before because you didnt have time to enjoy it properly “in the moment” or because you were “shoulding” on yourself.
• Alot of other icky stuff you have been holding on to gets the chance to bubble up and fall off. If you love and accept yourself more, you have more capacity to be kind to yourself when looking at all the symptoms past pain has created. You can recognise them as symptoms rather than embarrassing cringe moments, and give youself a big compassionate hug!
• You can give yourself permission to be you, and to be selective about who you let into your garden. Quality not quantity, and use that block button.

I also see and understand how exhausting it is to maintain somebodyness. You see social media burnout happening everywhere, where an influencer has to take time out for a few days away from trolls and the barrage of opinion.

Who is really influencing who? The person needing validation (and letting assholes make them feel stuff) is not the one in control.

You don’t need to wait until you are emotionally spent to take a break, and let go (breaaaaaaathe) out with all the baggage. You can choose to be your own agent/manager and say — my schedule it booked out for ME, for as long as I need to unpollute my head & reconnect with things that bring me joy.

Self-acceptance and nobodyness is no one else’s business!

Your power can be back in your hands with one decision! If you want to jump into the full experience of becoming a nobody, congratulations! Welcome to the club and to freedom!

You have the power!

I hope you have enjoyed this different perspective on the joy of being a “nobody” in this world obsessed with being a “somebody.” You are always just a decision away from choosing true freedom to be yourself, and to find joy and connection with like-minded individuals without the stress of seeking approval or attention.

I hope to raise awareness of the negative impact that social media and the pressure to generate revenue can have on mental health and well-being. My message is to embrace one’s unique self and it’s ok to be selective about who is allowed into your life and inner world.

The book I wrote is called Social Media Influence: How To Break Free From Social Media's Emotional & Data Manipulation & Reclaim Your Life and it’s available on Amazon

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