My fight for a better future.
The Battle Within: How I’m Conquering my Anxiety Day by Day.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
Many people across the globe experience anxiety, usually when things are not going just as they hoped or planned. Frequently you can hear someone say that they feel ‘nervous’ or ‘anxious’, but is that the same as suffering from anxiety?
I suppose that at that moment in time, it is for the person who is suffering that specific feeling or emotion. Still, it is not the same as being diagnosed as a chronic or lifelong sufferer of anxiety. I am not a specialist on the topic from the psychology standpoint, nor do l intend to be, but you could say I’m a specialist from the ‘patient’ perspective.
As a sweeping generalization l would say that most people feel anxiety at some moment in their lives, or multiple moments. According to the World Health Organization (WHO)¹:
Anxiety disorders are the world’s most common mental disorders, affecting 301 million people in 2019.
More women are affected by anxiety disorders than men.
Symptoms of anxiety often have onset during childhood or adolescence.
There are highly effective treatments for anxiety disorders.
Approximately 1 in 4 people with anxiety disorders receive treatment for this condition.
Well, l fall into that 301 million people, my situation had its onset during adolescence, I'm a man so in the minority, l did have access to treatment although it made no difference, l could not find the highly effective treatment that the WHO mentions. But these are the circumstances of my journey and each person has a battle to fight. The circumstances and results can be very different.
At an early age, l was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I used to wonder why l worried about everything, it made no sense, from worrying about important things to worrying about the most absurd such as checking the letter box expecting to find an important communication which would negatively affect my entire future.
As a male in the 1990s, visiting the doctor about a mental health issue was not the norm, and in fact that in itself provoked anxiety in me!
Visit done, diagnosis given it was time to move on to what the WHO mentioned:
highly effective treatments for anxiety disorders.
Well, they did not work, medication, psychologists, and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) made no difference, except for the money in my wallet. I turned to a childhood institution, faith. Being raised in a Catholic home and having attended Catholic schools it was my only source of information on faith. Afresh l hit a brick wall, being told that it was all ‘God's plan’ for us didn’t make things better!
Time for a change. Having noticed a friend of mine who was going through a difficult time l could not understand why he was always smiling, he was from Nepal. One afternoon l invited him for a coffee and a chat, as a friend he was aware of my situation. I had grown to ‘accept’ that l was going to live a life of anxiety 24/7. He suggested to me that l join him on a day trip to a place he would frequent with this family. Kagyu Samye Ling², the largest Tibetan Buddhist Temple in Western Europe is situated in Scotland, my homeland. This, as they say, was a game changer.
Years have passed, and l have learned many things from Buddhism, I’m not going to get into the debate if Buddhism is a religion, a philosophy, or a way of life, maybe it's a mix of all three. What l do know is that it has helped me more than anything else.
The four noble truths gave me a roadmap to deal with my anxiety.
- Suffering: Accepting that life is suffering (remind you of what my Catholic childhood told me?) is the first step. But unlike before, this suffering has a solution. My suffering and my anxiety is from fear.
- The cause of suffering. Our suffering comes from ignorance and cravings. The desire that everything is perfect, life goes well, and we have everything we want. This ego causes suffering if we lack these things or anxiety that we may never obtain them, or lose the ones we have. Fear of fear itself is the spiral that feeds my anxiety.
- The end of suffering. Nothing is permanent. This concept of impermanence is fundamental, this also applies to suffering, in my case anxiety.
- The eightfold path. This ‘path’ helps lead to the end of suffering. It involves living ethically, meditating, gaining wisdom, and aiming for enlightenment.
This all seems a tall task, and it is! There are days where it works for me, there are days where it makes no difference, but every morning is a fresh opportunity to start again.
I try to meditate each day and read as much as l can (and not only Buddhist texts, although they do help me understand). I try to make decisions as best l can and l try to accept that suffering will happen, l will get hurt, l will have anxiety but it is impermanent, it is transient, and I will move on.
Each person deals with their anxiety the best they can, for some medication works, others CBT, for me it was a lifestyle change. One which allows me to enjoy life again, and when the bumps in the road appear, l can deal with the ups and the downs. Whatever your path is, it can be done, you can control this.
My fight continues…
References:
- World Health Organization. “Anxiety Disorders.” Www.who.int, World Health Organization, 27 Sept. 2023, www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/anxiety-disorders. Accessed 25 Feb. 2024.
- https://www.samyeling.org/