HUMOR | SATIRE
The Battle Between The Bottom Writer and The Bottom Readers
The persistence for passion over money
Tom and Angela had just finished reading stories on Large online platform. Before they went to sleep, they checked their daily stats to ensure that they hadn’t been picked up by the Large algorithm. Knowing they were still bottom readers is what makes them sleep every night.
Large
Large is a British online publishing platform that pays top readers and top writers in botcoins. On Large, readers don’t write and writers don’t read. Both love Large insanely.
Readers love it because they can access the best stories available in the world. Writers love it because many readers read their work to become top readers. Regardless of botcoins, there’s no fun like writing and reading on Large.
Eagle Eyed Large
Tom and Angela are avid readers who live in London. They never wanted to be top readers. They neither wanted money nor fame. They’d rather die.
They hoped the Large algorithm would never pick them up. The misfortune had just happened. Their stats proved it. The young happy couple isn’t happy anymore.
“How did the algorithm find us all of a sudden? I thought we could hide forever. We’re doomed,” cried Tom, and rightly so.
“Calm down, Tom. If there’s anyone who can still find a way out of this, it’s us. We read for a reason. There has to be an idea within ourselves to get out of this mess before we receive the top reader badge.”
Evil Tom
They couldn’t sleep. How could they? You can probably relate.
Tom had a Eureka moment, “I have a genius plan but I don’t know if it’ll work.”
“Then it’s not genius, Tom. What’s the plan?”
“I know a guy. His name is Barry.”
“How’s Barry going to help us?” asked Angela.
“Barry isn’t going to help us. We’re going to turn his life upside down. We’re forever out of the eyes of the Large algorithm.”
“I don’t want to hurt anyone, Tom.”
“Look. It’s the only way. Barry is one of us,” Tom convinced Angela.
“Barry is a reader?”
“No, Barry is a writer. He is on Large because of his passion. He literally can’t stop writing. He doesn’t want botcoins — just like us. Some call him Barry the bottom writer. He writes crap stories intentionally to hide from the Large algorithm,” explained Tom.
“Are you thinking what I think you’re thinking, Tom?”
“Damn right I’m.”
“Tom, that is genius!” Angela’s blue eyes lit up.
Barry The Bottom Writer in The Bahamas
Laying on Pig beach in the Bahamas, Barry was enjoying his iced coffee. He had just published his typical crap story called “3 reasons Why You Shouldn’t Skip Seeing the Swimming Pigs in the Bahamas.” He had so much fun writing this.
His fun wasn’t going to last. His Large account was bursting with notifications. There were thousands of claps, comments, highlights, and lowlights. 37K follows. He was trembling to check his stats. But he had to.
It was exactly what he was always afraid of. The Large algorithm had just picked Barry up. There was a dramatic spike in his views for all his old crap stories. This spike felt like — someone spiked his iced coffee. He wasn’t going to last as the bottom writer anymore.
Tom and Angela had started reading all the crap stories of Barry. They even shared his stories all over the world. Barry’s stories were so crap that even the smart algorithm thought they’re reading useless stories. The eagle eyes had stopped watching Tom and Angela. They’re off the hook now.
The algorithm had turned towards Barry eventually due to too many reads from the whole world. Large just couldn’t avoid Barry’s crap anymore.
Barry was going to be the top writer. The badge was about to be delivered. He couldn’t take this. He went back to his hotel to shoot himself. To make matters worse, there were many reporters and TV channels with cameras in his hotel already to interview him. They wanted his writing masterclass lesson.
The last two things Barry wanted in the world — fame, and money. Fame had just arrived. Botcoins were probably on their way too. He had to end his misery. This was going to be the end of the legend — Barry the bottom writer.
Breaking The Goddamn Wall
Barry wasn’t a quitter. His father would’ve wanted him to beat the odds and live. When Barry was backed against the wall, out of the blue, he had one last heroic idea — to break that goddamn wall down.
Barry worked his magic — like Roger Federer on grass. He didn’t have to die. He didn’t have to stop writing. Within a week, Barry was off the hook. The Large algorithm had completely ignored Barry. He managed to stay at the bottom.
Barry Versus The Bastards
Barry tracked down his enemies who almost ended his life. He was determined to meet those bastards — to punish them.
Hearing someone knocking at their door, Tom and Angela looked at each other to remember whose turn it was to open the door. It was Tom’s turn.
“Excuse me, can I help you?” politely asked Tom looking at the guy at the door.
“I’m Barry the bottom writer. How’s it going?”
Tom was shook. Angela ran to the door after what she had just heard.
“But how? Our plan worked. We thought it did. You are smiling so you’re off the hook. The algorithm is going to pick us up again, isn’t it?” cried Angela.
“Relax! The algorithm doesn’t pick one person twice. Once you’re off the hook, you’re forever safe,” assured Barry.
“Tom and I didn’t feel good after ruining your life. I’m happy you found a way to get out of this mess. How did you though?” curiously asked Angela.
“For the last 7 days, I self-published 120 top-notch stories that have never been written before. I gave the impression to Large algorithm I’m writing crap again. Views had started to substantially come down. People had started to unfollow me. Some even blocked me,” Barry spelled out.
“But if your stories are top-notch, how come the algorithm didn’t pick any of it up?” investigated Angela.
“The oldest trick in the book from my dad. He was always the bottom writer when he was alive. He used to write top-notch stories because he believed the algorithm was never smart enough to pick every quality writer. It’s like hiding in plain sight. I took a leap of faith. I copied his trick and it worked. Bottom writers know how to write as good as any top writer. But they prefer not to — to hide from the algorithm.”
“This is mind-boggling. But how did you…why did you find us? To punish us?”
“Yes. I’m here to tell you that I forgive you. That’s your punishment. It’s another thing my dad taught me. Forgiveness is the best revenge,” smiled Barry.
Feeling ashamed and astonished at Barry's genius, Tom and Angela hugged Barry and apologized for their troubles. They requested Barry to go to the Bahamas with them to celebrate — for beating the Large algorithm.
Barry responded, “Bahamas? I’m in. I take that you read my story of “3 reasons Why You Shouldn’t Skip Seeing the Swimming Pigs in the Bahamas.””
“Damn right we did,” both shouted in harmony.
