Summary

The article discusses the psychological underpinnings of the need to be right in discussions, particularly in online forums, and how this need is often driven by a desperate clinging to personal identities and beliefs in the face of societal changes.

Abstract

The text delves into the phenomenon of individuals vehemently asserting their opinions as facts, especially on online platforms, and how this behavior stems from a deep-seated need to affirm their own identities. It suggests that this desperation to be right is a response to the decline of traditional institutions and the resulting uncertainty, leading individuals to entrench themselves in dogmatic positions. The article cites psychological research indicating that political ideologies can become central to one's identity, exacerbating polarization and conflict. It emphasizes the importance of understanding over being right, quoting philosophers like Eric Fromm and Baruch Spinoza to illustrate the value of seeking knowledge and the freedom it brings. The text also references Dr. Steven Covey's advice on effective communication, urging readers to listen with the intent to understand rather than to reply. By letting go of the need to be right and embracing a more open and inquisitive approach, individuals can achieve a deeper sense of peace and coexistence.

Opinions

The author posits that the need to be right is often a manifestation of deep attachment to one's beliefs and a way to cope with the fear of uncertainty as traditional social structures decline.
According to the article, the polarization in society is fueled by the media's sensationalization of conflict, which encourages individuals to cling more firmly to their preconceived notions.
The text suggests that when individuals prioritize understanding others over asserting their own rightness, they can transcend the emotional charge associated with their beliefs and achieve a state of calm and wisdom.
The author believes that true understanding leads to a detachment from the emotional need to be right, allowing for a more masterful and objective approach to teaching and discussing contentious issues.
The article implies that self-reflection and a willingness to understand opposing viewpoints can lead to personal growth and a more harmonious coexistence with others.

The Awesome Desperation of Needing to Be Right

You’re on a thread under an article or a blog when someone new chimes in. Well enough. But you can tell, pretty quick, this guy’s a problem. He doesn’t want to share, or learn, or participate in healthy debate. No. Instead, he’s brought with him a wealth of preconceived notions. Indeed, they are ‘facts’—facts in which he’s rabidly attached.

You say, “Awwwww…Puppies are cute.”

He says, “The cuteness of puppies is the demonic work of Thor!”

You ask questions and try to understand just where this guy’s coming from. “Okay” you say, “I can see how you might get to that point of view from your perspective. I get it. But I still think puppies are cu…”

“NO! PUPPIES ARE NOT CUTE LIBTARD!” And so on.

This kind of thing puts a damper on a thread, and it’s clear that the psychology of this kind of vitriol extends far beyond the reality of the issue or discussion at hand. It seems more like a matter of life and death.

Why does someone become so rabid and incensed?

When he strongly identifies with something. When he’s deeply attached.

According to Psychology today, studies show that the extreme polarization and divisiveness we experience today are promulgated through our social identifying roles of political ideological affiliations. Far more important than the issues themselves, is how we identify as red or blue, democratic or republican. This is paramount in guiding our negative emotional responses to those on the other side of the political fence.

Sadly, this trend of stuanchly identifying with any political side is borne from a kind of desperation. While the religions and institutions that we once placed our identity and faith in crumble and burn, we feel lost and seek something to grasp onto. The old principles, whether right or wrong, offered structure and guidelines—solid ground to stand on.

But when lifestyles are isolated or fearful, we only dig our heels further in. Rather than letting go, our guidelines turn into obstinate, dogmatic walls. Then, they no longer serve but rule over us. We cling to what we ‘know’ as the way we can escape having to face the reality of our naked and vulnerable self.

“The more the drive toward life is thwarted, the stronger is the drive toward destruction; the more life is realized, the less is the strength of destructiveness. Destructiveness is the outcome of unlived life.” Eric Fromm

Media adds fuel to the fire through its penchant for sensationalized controversy and conflict. So in our already shaky state of social change and transformation we’ve got intense news and information flying at us 24–7. So, we grasp on to that which supports our perspectives and fortify our belief that our worldview is the only right and reasonable one.

Have you ever observed the need to be right in yourself? I sure have.

Most of us have done this in some way or another. It is, after all, not at all uncommon. And the most immediate resolution to this problem is to seek not to be right, but to understand.

“The highest activity a human being can attain is learning to understand because to understand is to be free.” Baruch Spinoza

Ask yourself; what are the things you feel strongly about, especially issues that have powerfully opposing sides; political issues, gender issues, environmental issues…you get the picture. How much effort do you put into fortifying your perspectives vs curiously seeking new ones?

How about closer to home, within your personal relationships and communications? Do you seek to be right, or to understand?

“If we are to live together in peace, we must come to know each other better.” Lyndon Johnson

In the Huffington Post, I found a lovely quote on communication from Dr. Steven Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People:

“If you’re like most people, you probably seek first to be understood; you want to get your point across. And in doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretend that you’re listening, selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation or attentively focus on only the words being said, but miss the meaning entirely. So why does this happen? Because most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. You listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the questions you are going to ask, etc. You filter everything you hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference. You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. And consequently, you decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes communicating.”

Ultimately, your openness to understanding is as strong as your ability to let go of the things in which you identify. When you truly understand a thing, it loses it’s ‘charge.’ You no longer need to identify with it. Strangely, that’s why we experience those who may teach masterfully, yet are less than masterful at that subject, themselves. We learn through teaching and can be quite passionately attached. Yet when we truly understand, we lose that emotional attachment. So, when you find yourself struggling and frustrated with others, take the time to look inside and inquire.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Carl Jung

When you seek to understand the minds and hearts of others, you open. You become wiser, even if, and especially if, this leaves you without a solid, determined position from which to fight. Making the effort to really listen leads to the wonderful calm of a deeper knowing which no longer needs to be right.