The Aura of Friendship
And the Law of Attraction
Names in this article have been changed for confidentiality
Life bestows us certain gifts with profligate generosity. Others, it withholds greedily in ways that are cruel. It is as though certain carrots get waved in our face, only to have them snatched away right when you feel you are close to attaining the object of your desire. It appears that for some things, life says “Try as you might, but you can’t have that!”
We read of people living healthy lifestyles who eat right, getting a good night’s sleep and exercising regularly yet still die young. I have family members who drank themselves till they were literally purple in the face and lived to a ripe old age. There is no justice in the whims of the universe. Yet we pine forth for those missing pieces in our lives be it a relationship, business success, education, recognition, financial abundance, health or peace of mind.
As we persist in our pursuit of self-realization without evidence of progress or traction, we are haunted with feelings of, if not failure, a fear of succumbing to life’s sunk cost fallacy. We read and hear of people attaining great success in one area of life only live a tortured existence over their unresolved quest in another. While money and career success tend to dominate the subject matter on this platform, we are aware of the concept of wealth in life’s other areas.
Regardless of our net worth, each of us can point to areas where we enjoy a particular aspect of life in abundance. As you enjoy this abundance you become familiar with its subject matter. Over time, your proximity to it bestows knowledge and wisdom. From there you can form your related philosophy.
While I bristle at my comparatively modest level of material wealth and unresolved longings for vocational fulfillment, I can point to an area of life where I have enjoyed profligate abundance since childhood. That is in the area of friendships. For whatever reason, life has bestowed me much in this area. On this subject, I have some experiences and observations.
Lana
Lana is a former colleague. She is an attractive woman who I worked with while we were both in our late twenties and early thirties. She carried herself with an air of rural informality and approachability. She frequently wore western and equestrian attire including cowboy boots.
As a dyslexic, she had little in the way of formal education yet she effectively compensated for this by being intuitive and inquisitive. She gathered knowledge by asking questions until she arrived at a retained understanding. At the time, she smoked cigarettes which reinforced her blue collar image.
We were both assigned a geographic area in our work that had us out of the office for as much as two thirds of our work schedule. As this work took place in the coldest months of winter, we would occasionally meet on the road to get warm and take a break. On one such time, we visited a place of business that had a piece of workplace equipment in their shop for repair.
I had dropped off the equipment in question a week prior and found the proprietor hostile and difficult. While he didn’t greet me at the service counter, he yelled from the back of his shop. He was gruff, unfriendly and angry and looked like someone I might associate with criminality or being in a field where the employment of violence was frequent like a bouncer, security guard or cop.
He treated my equipment drop off as an incursion on his time and used profanity openly. His demeanor led me to believe that he may have been intoxicated. Had I not been there in the course of my employment I would have likely traded verbal insults with him or reported the business to the Chamber of Commerce or similar.
I returned to the place of business with Lana and advised her of my reception the previous week. She listened intently. As her husband was a mechanic, she was well versed in dealing with blue collar men of varying levels of tact and articulation. She looked on it as a challenge and graciously offered to deal with the individual in question.
She approached the counter with the receipt for our piece of equipment. The formerly gruff proprietor greeted her in a much more gentle, servile tone. He was cordial and solicitous while telling Lana how best to preserve the equipment for future use. Lana listened intently while giving the owner sufficient eye contact as to communicate genuine interest and perhaps a touch of flirtatiousness.
He tried to engage her in social conversation beyond that necessary to transact the business at hand and told her to drop by again sometime. She added that there were other items that would need repair during our busy season and reassured him that she would bring those items in and took his business card.
As I stood in the background to this interaction, it was evident to me that there was something more going on here than simple attraction. Lana had an unspoken way of telling this roustabout that he was free from societal judgement when he was with her and that he was emotionally safe with her. Her attractiveness and seeming match as to blue collar identity was icing on the cake.
On another occasion, I was having coffee with Lana in a shopping mall food court. As we walked with our cups to look for a table, a biker type came out of nowhere to engage her in conversation. As I came into his view, he changed direction assuming that I was a husband or boyfriend but he kept the conversation going as long as he could until out of earshot.
On our next work day at the office, I jokingly referred to her as a “rocker chick” given the kind of men that she attracted effortlessly and often. Her expression led me to believe that this label was unwelcome and I ceased using it. Later that winter, she, I and another colleague went for lunch together in the same car.
Our colleague was an avid marijuana smoker and the subject of drug use came up. As we arrived at the restaurant, we got out of the car to find a pile of tiny baggies filled with white powder adjacent to our parking spot. It looked like someone’s transaction was interrupted and the remaining product left behind.
James
James and I graduated from the same high school. While we didn’t socialize together at the time, we were cordial. We reunited by accident nearly a decade later in a different city at the wedding reception of a mutual friend. It turns out he was dating Louise, a woman who once lived in my old building. I knew her socially through a friend from the same address. James and I exchanged phone numbers and promised to connect.
On our first get together, we discussed our lives leading up to our improbable meeting. We reminisced about our high school years, who our friends were and the teachers and students we hated. Both of us shared some resentment for our high school experience and differing feelings about the places we were from. Living far from home, it was comforting to know I had a friend nearby with whom I shared roots.
He and Louise eventually moved in together sharing a spacious apartment in a trendy downtown neighborhood. My fiancé and I had them over for dinner. I later learned that James’ parents were divorced. Both parents were career cops, now retired. James was still close with his Mom, less so with his Dad who had remarried. That must have been a house of strong authoritarian personalities, I mused.
As his work took him out of town, it would be awhile before I saw James again. When we reconnected, I learned that he and Louise had split up and that he had moved in with some work colleagues. I visited his apartment and met his roommates. Everyone seemed gung ho about the arrangement. James was preparing an application to join the police service and began dating again.
Months passed between what I assumed were extended assignments out of town. I reached out to James. He told me that things were not well with him. It was too much to get into over the phone but he would meet me downtown if I was available. He ended the phone call asking if I’d read the papers recently. I answered in the negative.
We met in a public setting. He looked around to see if he was being watched or recognized. He asked if we could take a walk outside. I followed. He told me stone faced that he had been charged with a heinous crime and that I may not want to continue our friendship. I replied that I was his friend and that it would take something major to cause me opt out of our friendship.
He proceeded to tell me that his roommate/coworker had accused him of possessing child pornography and that he had been fired from his employment. I replied that, yes, that is a serious accusation but one I don’t believe he was capable of. He replied that we was innocent and appreciated my confidence in him.
He confided that after the police came to the apartment, seized his computer, handcuffed him and brought him in for fingerprinting, he was ready to commit suicide. The cops who booked him treated him as a pedophile and told him exactly just how reviled he was and that anytime he was out of camera range that they were ready to dispense their own true justice.
I reiterated my disbelief that he was, in any way, capable of harming a child, directly or indirectly, and that as his friend I would support him through the end of the process to clear his name. He thanked me profusely and said that he had a few other friends willing to do the same and that their support meant everything.
We stayed in touch in the weeks that followed. I met his mother who flew in from across the country. She had cashed in a significant portion of her retirement savings to pay for the best criminal lawyers. I introduced myself to her as one of James’ former classmates and we had an enjoyable visit. After she went to her hotel James said that he continued to idealize suicide daily. I reminded him of his innocence and that he had the support of friends and family.
The day of the preliminary hearing approached and I took the day off work to attend. James had both parents there as well as myself and another friend. There were members of the media and police service present. A few cases were heard before James’. When James’ case arose, his legal counsel made an opening statement to the effect that James had the support of family and friends present and that the evidence against him was in no way consistent with the crime he was accused of.
There was no corresponding address from the prosecution. The judge having weighed the evidence, dismissed the case. The member of the media present interviewed James briefly. He arranged with the police officer overseeing his case for the return of his computer. I joined James and his mother for celebratory drinks afterward. The case had taken a terrible toll on his mother’s mental and physical well being. I was the most elated of the three of us. James said that despite his exoneration, this case would torpedo any chance he had at being a cop.
It turns out he and his former roommate/accuser were in competition for an intelligence position in the defense industry. James was unable to sue for damages. While his criminal record was clean, he emerged from the ordeal a damaged man while his ex-roommate won a promotion in the process of destroying him.
The months passed and James took a six month crash course in computer programming. Shortly afterward, he landed a well paying IT job and began to date. Summer was upon us. James, his date, my fiancé and my friend Tim and I decided to enjoy the summer evening at a pub to be followed by a river cruise and yet more drinks.
It was a beautiful summer evening and we were all in good spirits. After the moonlit cruise we took a walk through the night club district. Among us were smokers and those who needed bathroom stops more urgently than others. I’m a fast walker and have a tendency to get out ahead when with others. As a result, we were as much as a block apart from each other.
After passing through the thick of the nightclub district, I looked back to see if my friends were in tow. Tim was running back toward James who appeared to be in an altercation on the ground. As we were a block and a half ahead by the time I got there, James and the other party had been separated. James’ face was starting to swell and bleed from the corner of his mouth.
We returned to James’ girlfriends place where we had a BBQ on the porch. We attempted to maintain the high spirited tone to the evening but the altercation made that awkward. James said he had gathered the name of the assailant. He would visit the police station in the morning to press charges and would let us know when the case went to court.
On the day of the court case, I went to support James. After the witness testimony, the judge threw the case out of court for lack of sufficient evidence. As luck would have it, James and his attacker took the same elevator down to the street where they almost relived their altercation.
He later found a better job in another city and moved away. I looked him up when I went there and met his new girlfriend. She was gainfully employed, attractive, and socially pleasant. Their relationship seemed to hold promise. The next time I reached out to him, he told me they had broken up acrimoniously and were threatening to sue each other over pets, money and possessions.
We stayed in touch on social media in the ensuing months. He announced his engagement with his live-in girlfriend and said that he’d be sending out dates and details in the months to follow. I congratulated him, adding that I would be attending a convention in his city of residence and promised to connect.
When we met, I pressed him for details of the impending nuptials and asked for dates so I could secure the time off work. He said that the engagement had been called off. He and his fiancé were going to work through their issues on an upcoming overseas trip. Unbeknownst to me at the time, James had quit his IT job to travel.
James was abroad for about eighteen months and detailed his adventures on a blog. We met about six months after his return near a subway station. He looked glum as we looked for a place to have a meal and visit. En route, he engaged with someone handing out political flyers and started arguing loudly with him.
After we agreed on a restaurant, he began to recount how his relationship disintegrated during the trip. His ex-girlfriend returned home while he stayed on to travel. He obtained an acting role on an Indian movie production as a British military official in a film set in colonial times, enjoying himself immensely.
When that ended, he ran a resort for room and board for a few months. When tourist season ended, he was apparently ran out of the country by authorities for attempting to leave with ancient artifacts of significant heritage and archeological value. On his return, he was trying to re-enter the job market with middling success.
He said that he was deeply depressed by the breakup and his humbling employment prospects. He added that his ex-fiancé was a long time mistress of a celebrity entertainer. This break up sunk his spirits like nothing else and he had entertained thoughts of self harm while abroad, placing himself in dangerous predicaments where he could have been killed.
His mother passed away last year and he and his siblings have been engaged in an acrimonious battle over her estate. On every subsequent visit, despite his ability to attract quality women into his life, he has always had relationships of conflict and an orbit of unending crisis around him.
Steven
It is said that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. And so it was when I met Steven. I was working in my first job after dropping out of university and my boss was making every effort to get me to quit. I grew to hate this man with a passion, yet I was stuck as I had just barely escaped homelessness were it not for this job.
Still this guy made every effort to diminish me to boost his own ego. It didn’t matter what I did. I was criticized and belittled to the point of anxiety. As a twenty two year old with limited experience dealing with or any other workplace adversity, I started looking for a way out.
I was put in charge of purchasing advertising to give the business a higher profile and revenue. I called the local cable company to inquire about TV advertising. Steven was the sales rep. He gave us a solid presentation and flexible pricing and packages. We struck up conversations and enjoyed each other’s company.
After the business was done, we exchanged phone numbers and met after work for a drink. Curious about the employment world outside my day job hell, I inquired about his sales rep position and work experience. He stated that he had only recently entered the sales world. Up until then he had been a social worker and returned to university to complete his Masters degree.
On subsequent visits, he added that he was developing a side business for which he may seek out associates. I expressed curiosity if not outright interest. As we got to know each other, I learned that upon returning to school, his marriage had disintegrated. He had two preschool aged children and was visibly upset in discussing this development.
I discussed my work situation with him and that I was seeking answers and alternatives. I attended a meeting with him where a multi-level marketing opportunity was presented. I knew nothing about sales or marketing, didn’t own a car and was a naïve outsider from a small town.
From where I sat, any exit strategy looked good. The cost of entry to the business was minimal and I joined. This experience would be very influential on my younger self and deserves its own article. Our lives have gone in different directions but Steven and I remain close friends some thirty plus years later.
As we continued to work on this business opportunity, we attended more and more evening meetings. Often we’d go out to debrief and socialize afterward. Steven was a salesman in his day job and was constantly selling and marketing. He was a consummate deal maker and never turned his business radar off.
Every restaurant owner, waiter and bartender was a potential prospect and he did well expanding his contacts on our outings. Despite the upheaval in his personal life, he cultivated the art of being outwardly positive. All of the people I introduced him to marveled at how everything about him was “unbelievable and fantastic” on a 24/7 basis.
We were both from elsewhere, Steven was recently divorced and I was single with a new girlfriend who I saw only on weekends. We came to rely on and confide in each other with the passage of time. Steven was a workaholic, night hawk insomniac and drank about twenty cups of coffee daily. He always wore a blazer and dress shirt when we went out so as to be always ready to strike up a credible business conversation.
He frequented late night diners and bars to accomplish some combination of avoiding the loneliness of his apartment, cultivating ever more business and sales prospects and meeting a prospective date or two along the way. He drew on his training as a social worker to learn more about people. I accompanied him on many such outings.
He was also a smoker and smoking was still allowed in indoor establishments then. Smokers are tribal and stick together to share matches, lighters and tobacco in unique subculture rituals. I’ve always found the act of smoking with someone a very intimate one where both users feel the nicotine rush in a shared personal experience. Smokers occupy every end of the income spectrum and the later you are out at night, the wilder the smokers you encounter.
We were in a sports bar in a working class area late one night having a drink in the smoking section. The place was one third full. Steven knew the menu well and we ordered some finger food that was on special. He had a way of surveying a room everywhere we went as if to size up a situation for what ever was to come next. Sometimes he sought to make eye contact in order to start a conversation.
There was a lot of conversational noise around us. Some of it was boisterous support for the teams playing on TV and some was from drunkenness. There were two women a few years older than me but younger than Steven behind me to my right. One wore a ripped denim jacket and her friend wore more of a light winter coat. Steven was the only one in the place who wore a collared shirt and looked somewhat out of place as a result.
Our conversation drifted casually from the game on TV to strategizing for business and sales to what our plans were for the upcoming holiday season. The conversation at the women’s table grew progressively louder but I couldn’t tell if it had to do with the game on TV or something else. Steven’s vantage point from his table took in their interactions more easily than mine as they were effectively in my blind spot.
He made eye contact with the woman who was now yelling and nodded while chuckling as if to communicate understanding. She then grabbed her jacket and went first to the washroom then outside by way of the front entrance. Her friend stayed at the table. We continued with our drink and finger food when out of the blue, the woman who went outside came back in through a side entrance, ran up to our table and starting hitting Steven with a closed fist.
She yelled “You think that’s funny!” We both looked at each other stunned. The owner came over and ushered her out the side door. The blows to his back and shoulder were not injurious but her level of anger and hostility had taken us both aback. We finished our drinks in silence with remarks about the general level of sanity in the world and left.
I would have been happy to write that incident off as a once in a lifetime cosmic misalignment of the stars or planets but another nocturnal outing with Steven disabused me of that notion.
A few years later, we had dinner with my then girlfriend and her cousin downtown. We parked far away enough from the restaurant to avoid paying for parking and did so in an area considered safe at any hour of the day. The street we parked on was well lit and lined with trees that backed on to a few commercial buildings.
As we got a few blocks from the car, a big man walking with a limp came up behind Steven and started swinging punches at him hitting him in the back and shoulder with glancing blows until I challenged him at which time he backed off. No names were exchanged or harsh words. As quickly as he emerged, he disappeared into the shadows. I saw Steven to his vehicle and asked him if he was OK.
He nodded in the affirmative and looked like he wanted to leave quickly which I understood. I gave him a hug, wished him a good night and went back to rejoin my girlfriend. Along the way, I was careful to use the most well lit streets and sidewalks. I was a little stunned by this repeat of what had taken place in the sports bar years earlier and pondered what karma Steven was carrying that brought these interactions about.
From these experiences with friendships, I have come to believe that the law of attraction looms large in our individual and collective auras. We carry our psychic energy with us wherever we go and that energy draws people into our orbit in inexplicably mysterious ways.