The Art of Zen
How I Lost and Found Myself
It was back in the early 2000s. I got my master's degree and signed up for a job in Merger & Acquisition. It was exciting and fun and completely changed my life.
From an active lifestyle with a mixture of sport, work, and education, I entered the realm of 9 am to 9 pm jobs. On the first day on the job, I explained that I would get penalties when I come past 9 o’clock to the office. And I need to check out before 9 pm — even when I need to work longer hours.
It was a stark contrast to my life at university. Sometimes I worked, and in some months, I only focused on studying. I was the master of my time planning. This changed with my first job after I finished my degree.
I remember well that in no time, I put up 30 kilograms in weight. It took me a year to get there. The thing was in these days, and I didn’t really understand what was going on. Everybody loved this post-university lifestyle.
The narrative we got was, we need to work long hours to gain more experience. Yet, very often, we didn’t work at all. We just were present in the office. The funny thing was that everybody who went home first got a lot of group pressure not to be the first to go home.
One of those days, when I felt unhappy about life, the universe, and everything, I went to a bar with a friend. The idea was to have a couple of drinks and chat a bit about other things.
My friend looked at me and asked: “You look different. What’s going on?” We haven’t seen each other for more than a year. And 30 kilos more — well, it was an obvious difference.
So, I started to talk about my job and life. The thing was, it wasn’t a bad job. The people were also nice. Yes, they had their shortcomings, like everybody. But, overall, there were no horrible people that I could blame.
And yet, I was not at my A-Game. More at my Z-game. It looked to me like, for no reason. After chatting a while and my friend listening, he said:
“You know what. Come with me on Saturday. I joined a Zen group recently. Just try it. Maybe something new is a good distraction from your routine.”
“Thanks. But I am not interested in joining a sect.”, I replied. My picture of meditating people was heavily influenced by some Hare Krishna Groups that sometimes organize seminars in my home town.
He laughed and said, “Don’t worry. It’s just meditation. You come with me. And I guarantee you, nobody will force you into anything. It is just an hour of your time.”
I agreed to and carried out my 9 to 9 job until Saturday.
We met in front of the so-called Zen Dojo. It was an apartment in a multi-story house. To get there, we had to walk through one of the Viennese style patios.
The dojo was on the second floor. No elevator. “Couldn’t they rent a house with an elevator?” I asked my friend. He grinned.
We went up and were asked to change into comfortable clothes. I got a brief explanation of what to do. And off we went.
Zen Meditation is a traditional Japanese Buddhist form of meditation. It is ancient and has its origins in China — at the Chinese Shaolin temple. It is called Chan Meditation in China. The tale of the monks is that the meditation was brought to the Shaolin Monks by Bodhidharma. An Indian prince and the founder of Chan/Zen Buddhism and Shaolin Kung Fu.
Back then, I didn’t have any idea of this old tradition. My way to the dojo was pathed by a friend. He didn’t tell me much. And neither did the people in the dojo.
I asked what to do. The one who I believed was the leader of the dojo just said: “ sit down, breathe in and out and be quiet.” That was a brief explanation.
So I did. We walked in, I heard a gong sound, and there I sat. And it felt so uncomfortable. Not used to this sitting position; immediately, my legs started hurting. There was this urge to change position. Out of politeness, I tried not to move much. But I was making moves. Nobody said anything.
I was thinking about the week, my job, my relationship, what I want to do next week, in a month, in 10 years, what happened last week and a year ago. And how will all this work out? Money was scarce, and so many bills to pay.
I realized that I missed my life in Graz — the city where I got my master's degree and thought about the good and the bad days in Graz.
Thinking so many thoughts at the same time in so many different directions, I sat there and stared at the wall. I lost myself in my thoughts, and I have no idea how long I sat there. Thinking and thinking and overthinking. I saw all the past pictures, and my mind also painted pictures of my future — several futures. And there was the present, with all those unsolved problems.
Suddenly, I felt some grabbing me and pulling me out of all this. I have no idea what it was or why it happened.
From one second to the other, I was sitting in the dojo. Starring at the wall in front of me. Listening to my breathing. My mind was …
Silence. No thought at all.
I sat there and saw the wall. It was green in color. I was never good at identifying colors. It was one of the more calming green ones. Not those neon ones.
I just saw the wall. No thought.
It was one of those late spring days. The window to my right was open. Outside, the window in the patio was a tall tree. I heard the wind gently blowing through the leaves of the tree. It was a gentle breeze. I heard a bird singing.
And I just sat breathing.
My mind was still.
I can’t remember how long it was. One minute 20 minutes or an hour. It didn’t matter back then. After some time passed, I heard a gong and the people getting up. I did the same, changed my clothes. My friend and I left the dojo.
As we walked out of the door, I saw the patio. It was one of the most beautiful Viennese inner courtyards. In the middle, a tall tree. And in the tree, I saw a bird. He looked at me, and I smiled. The bird spread his wings and flew high up into the sky.
On the way through the patio, my friend asked, “How was it?”.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“Good,” he answered.
And we parted.
On Monday, I quit my job and moved on.
Since 1999 I am an executive, advisor, and coach for companies in various industries. I am specialized in Corporate Development and Finance. From seed rounds to IPO level. I am focused on life science since 2006.
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