You Don’t “Owe” Everyone Everything

Learning to distinguish who truly deserves an explanation, who merits an answer, and who warrants nothing at all has been a game-changer in my journey towards self-discovery.

Practicing discernment about who is privy to certain levels of explanation or informationn about my life has taken me several years to incorporate into my daily life and now that I have, there’s no going back to that feeling that I “owe” anyone anything. So now I want to share a little about how I got there and what practicing discernment means to me.

First of all, you may be asking what is this discernment I speak of. I would say that discernment is the ability to perceive, understand, and judge things clearly, especially those that are not obvious or straightforward. For example, if you can figure out the themes of a confusing movie, you’re using discernment.

Merriam-Webster defines discernment as: the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure.

Practicing discern as a young leader

As a first-time leader in a position I took after grad school, I found myself struggling to navigate the complexities of managing a diverse team. I felt the weight of responsibility on my shoulders and believed that I needed to explain every decision I made to gain their trust. I wanted to be accessible and supportive, but I soon realized that not everyone was invested in the team’s growth and success.

One particular team member constantly challenged my decisions, seeking answers for every step we took. At first, I felt compelled to provide detailed explanations, hoping it would bring clarity and understanding. However, as the demands for explanations grew, I noticed that it drained my emotional energy, affecting my ability to lead effectively.

It was during a heart-to-heart conversation with a mentor that I received an invaluable lesson in discernment. She shared her own experience of leading a team and emphasized the importance of setting boundaries. She encouraged me to identify those who genuinely cared about the team’s mission and goals and to invest my explanations wisely.

Taking her advice to heart, I began to discern who truly deserved my explanations — the ones who were open to collaboration and growth. As for the team member who continuously sought answers without engaging constructively, I learned to acknowledge their concerns briefly and redirect the conversation towards our shared vision. This shift in discernment not only saved my energy but also allowed me to nurture a more positive team dynamic, where trust and collaboration flourished.

Often in life we come to places where we feel compelled to explain ourselves to everyone around us. We find ourselves justifying our choices and actions endlessly, as if owing the world an account of our every move. But here’s the truth I’ve come to embrace: not everyone deserves our explanations. We are not bound to give away our precious energy and time to those who won’t genuinely care about our well-being and growth.

This revelation unfolded during moments of deep self-reflection, as I navigated the complexities of my inner world. I discovered that the power to reclaim my mental well-being lay in the art of discernment. Differentiating between those who cherish and uplift us and those who drain us of vitality became a pivotal step on my path to authenticity.

Those who truly deserve an explanation

By embracing the liberating freedom of discernment, I found myself surrounded by those who held space for my vulnerabilities. These were the souls who understood the intricacies of my journey, embracing me in my entirety with empathy and compassion. They were the ones who truly deserved the gift of my explanations — the ones who cherished my trust and supported my quest for truth.

Those who merit an answer

There are countless questions that come our way, seeking our attention and responses. In the chaos of life, we often feel compelled to provide answers immediately, even when our own emotions are still unsettled. But here’s the magic of discernment: not every question requires an immediate response, and not every demand warrants an exhaustive explanation.

This revelation came to me during a time of heightened external pressures and demands. In the sacred space between the query and my reply, I found the freedom to safeguard my emotional energy, to breathe, and to reflect on my genuine feelings. Embracing this pause, I discovered the power of honoring my needs and boundaries.

Choosing when to respond became an act of empowerment and self-respect. It was a declaration that my emotional well-being was worthy of protection, not subject to others’ expectations. As I embraced my own pace of responding, I noticed a profound shift in my interactions. I was no longer swayed by external pressures; instead, I felt a newfound sense of autonomy in navigating conversations that truly mattered.

Those who warrant nothing at all

And then there are those who deserve absolutely nothing from us. They thrive on negativity, seeking to manipulate, demean, or disrupt our peace. But we have the power to reclaim control.

Practicing discren to distance from negativity

I remember a time when I found myself amidst a group of individuals who thrived on gossip and negativity. They often sought my attention and involvement in discussing others’ personal matters, hoping I would join in their judgmental conversations. Initially, I tried to please them and avoid confrontation, but it left me feeling uncomfortable and conflicted.

However, a turning point came when I met an inspiring colleague who exemplified the art of discernment with grace and empathy. She never engaged in gossip and always redirected conversations towards constructive topics. Witnessing her authenticity, I was inspired to take a stand for my values.

With newfound courage, I gently distanced myself from the negative group, explaining that I preferred to focus on uplifting conversations. Initially, it was met with resistance, but as I stood firm in my discernment, they began to respect my boundaries. It was a powerful lesson in reclaiming control over my emotional well-being, and I found myself surrounded by colleagues who valued positivity and growth.

This journey of discernment is not without its challenges. It demands courage, vulnerability, and the unwavering commitment to honor our mental well-being. But as we begin this transformative path, we step into the fullness of who we are meant to be, embracing the magic that lies within the art of discernment.

My journey of discernment has been filled with lessons of courage, vulnerability, and self-compassion. Each experience has shaped my understanding of trust, empathy, and authenticity in leadership.

As I reflect on these times, I invite you to embrace the art of discernment in your own lives. It’s not about shutting others out but rather honoring your emotional well-being and investing your time and energy in those who genuinely care about your growth and success.

Remember that through discernment, we create a space of empathy and compassion, where trust thrives, and authentic connections flourish.

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