Anger Management
The Art of Taming Anger: Stop Punishing Yourself for Others’ Faults
Anger is a good slave but a bad master
Anger.. A bugbear emotion!
Sometimes, it helps you get things done, and sometimes, you’re only left with your anger with no fruit. Either ways, it leaves you a lot exhausted than before.
It feels satisfying to obsessively annoy people when we’re angry, despite knowing it’s wrong. We end up in regret for the wrongdoings in that moment. We lose relationships, respect, peace of mind, and fortune with anger.
It has been a dreaded emotion people have been fighting and trying to get rid everyday for centuries together. Yet, it’s still prevailing in the society.
Let’s not be a Roman in Rome.
How about this?
As we’re unable to quit anger, can we use it for our good?
Yes. I’ll tell you how.
As spoken by the famous spiritual leader, Shri. Kamlesh Patel,
“Anger (krodha) is one of the two emotions God has given us for divine purpose.”
The second emotion is passion (kama). FYI.
Anger isn’t a man-made emotion like greed or grudge. It has a specific purpose for the mankind. So, as it’s troubling us on a daily basis, are we using it the wrong way?
Is there a correct way of using anger?
Can we use it for our betterment?
Think of anger like a knife. We’re actually using it to pierce people’s hearts, when its purpose is totally different.
Also, you shouldn’t fake peace by supressing a reservoir of anger inside. Your built-up ego doesn’t let you show up your anger, and you become an emotional pressure cooker, facing hell every second.
It will have its own bad consequences which affect your physical and mental health in the long-term.
Steps to extract benefit from anger.
#1. Know what triggers (your) anger.
Expectation is the major cause for anger.
- You expect your spouse to arrive early, and he/she becomes late. You’re angry.
- You ask your brother to get you something. He forgets. You’re angry.
- You expect your ‘hi-bye’ friend to invite you to his party. He doesn’t. You’re angry.
Ask yourself what made you angry last time? It’s obviously expectation.
Expect not, for thou shall not be disappointed.
Ask yourself these questions, if you taste anger at a situation.
- Am I angry with this? Why?
- Can I now be angry for good?
- How to behave if this occurs again in the future?
Act according to your heart.
Anger isn’t bad. Remember that. Only with anger you can express your disappointment and let others know you’re unhappy with what they did. It helps them not to repeat the mistake again.
The one thing you have to remember about being angry is to not let it go deep into your heart. Use it for the purpose and then kick it into dustbin.
#2. Inculcate Acceptance
We often perceive the idea of acceptance as being weak and cowardly. But it becomes the first choice of a wise man to avoid or stop a conflict.
Acceptance is the quality of accepting people, and situations as they are. You can’t control things that aren’t yours. Be it weather, time, other people’s responses. The best way to get along them is by welcoming all of them heartfully.
An Example from My Life:
We planned a trip to Andaman Islands last summer. We booked tickets by February and were dreaming about the vacation in advance. I humbly bragged about our journey to my friends too.
But guess what? Covid came and ruined our plans. What is the best reaction I could give that time?
- Call people and complain about how Covid up-sided down our plans? Or
- Accept that it’s a pan-world problem and continue with my works at home?
Even if I had chosen the first option, Covid won’t be affected, but me, just cursing the virus, and it’ll continue doing its work.
The second option would be the better one, so I could at least be happy for the virus letting me stay at home for which I was longing for at my hostel.
How to learn Acceptance?
Stay alert about your behaviour with others. See how often you complain about things you can’t change. The most common things people complain about:
- Bad taste of dish
- Weather: too cold, too hot, too humid
- Not receiving help from people
When you accept things as they are, you become more likeable, because you don’t allow circumstances change your mood.
People don’t like pointing their finger on themselves often, unless it’s an obvious mistake. They always rub off their mistake on others. Next time, try accepting your mistake and see how happy you’ll feel.
My Teacher for Acceptance:
The best teacher for acceptance is a pet dog.
I wonder how my dog has got such a level of acceptance!
See how patiently it waits for me for evening walks! It doesn’t feel disappointed even if I don’t take it that day, which happens very rarely, though. It lets me pat on its head for hours together wiggling its tail. It accepts everything I do for it.
I wish I could become a dog someday, learn acceptance, and become a human again.
Partly joke.
#3. Postpone anger.
If you’re hearing this for the first time, I’m happy I’m gonna teach you something new and effective.
“The greatest remedy for anger is delay.”
– Lucius Annaeus Seneca.
We often delay doing good things like exercising, meeting people, finishing work, and meditating. But, have we ever tried delaying an outburst of anger?
We don’t have the same intensity of anger after a day or two. Observed it? It seems like it has dissipated into surroundings slowly. We can use this phenomenon for our benefit.
How to do it?
When you feel like getting a sudden outburst of anger, just pause. Say to yourself that it’s your D-Time. Simply postpone your outburst for a day or so. That doesn’t mean you have to explode after a day. Huh.
Now, one or more of these listicle will happen:
- You feel pity for the foolishness of the other person.
- You thank yourself for not reacting.
- The other person may be right in criticising you. You’ll thank him for letting you know your mistake.
- Even if he’s wrong, you feel you didn’t make it worse. You saved your relationship, respect, and dignity.
#4. Don’t make Anger your first weapon.
Our emotions aren’t newly created. They are the mirrors of our past experiences. That is why you can expect a person’s reaction almost correctly for a particular incident.
Overtime, your emotions get strengthened when you repeatedly entertain them or repeatedly react in the same old way. Be it happiness, sorrow, or anger.
If you’re angry most of the time, you become more likely to choose anger as your first response. It just stays on the surface if your heart, just waiting to explode. Anger once exploded doesn’t restrict itself to that situation. It creates a roadmap for your future self about how you should behave.
By following the steps I suggested, you can help yourself not to chose anger as your first choice, and help your future self be at his control.
Final words:
The game of anger management isn’t only about you.
How do you respond when the other person is angry at you?
- Do you try to keep quiet? Or
- Convince him you’re right? Or
- Argue with him with all your ego?
The best way is to keep quiet. If it isn’t your mistake, the person will realise it and repent being angry at you. It also helps both the parties save their mental health.
Here I end this piece with two quotes by Buddha.
“You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.”
“Anger is the punishment we give ourselves for someone else’s mistake.”
How beautifully said! How beautiful if implemented!