The Art of Saying “No” Is Critical to Be Able to Say “Yes” to the Right Things
Learn the art of the simple no.
It is not easy to say no; you might lose friends, you might even lose a couple of family members too, but what you will end up with is a core tribe — your closest friends who treat you well.
You will become more of yourself.
Saying ‘no’ is saying ‘yes’ to yourself.
Example:
Family: Are you coming for Thanksgiving this year? J: No, I don’t want to come. F: You have to come. Everyone will be here, we are expecting you. J: I know. But I’m not coming this year. F: Well, I’m really disappointed. J: I hear that. I’m doing something else this year.
That is it.
You just say no, no excuses, no manipulation, you just aren’t coming.
If people respect you, they will respect your ‘no’ without trying to manipulate you in return.
‘No’ starts with integrity and being honest.
Being honest is not the same as being brutal. You can be honest without being cruel. You can be matter of fact about your nos.
No, I’m not coming.
The stakes are higher with the people we love. It is harder because these are the people we want to hurt the least, they are also the people we want to be honest with and live in integrity.
Anytime you say yes with your mind and words when your body says ‘no,’ you will lead yourself farther and farther away from your true path.
You will know when your body says ‘no’ by the ache in your belly, between your sternum and your navel. That feeling you get in your inner compass, it is right only always.
The art of saying a simple ‘no.’
In the following examples, I use M for manipulator and AW for assertive or awesome woman. Your choice.
A friend asks for a favor:
M: I’m at work, can you take Sophie (friend’s daughter) to her horse riding lessons? AW: Actually, I’m unable to do that. M: I’m really in a bind, I have a meeting that I can’t get out of. AW: You know, I hear that, and I’m unable to. M: I’ll cover you next time you’re in a jam. AW: I appreciate that and look forward to that for sure. And no.
Not easy, but all that is necessary if your friend respects your ‘no.’
Women have a harder time saying ‘no.’
I’m specifically speaking with women in mind because I am a woman.
Women are conditioned from the moment we step into the world to be “nice” or “friendly,” and even sooner if our parents didn’t read up on psychology and feminism before we were born.
Women have a harder time saying no — raised in a culture that makes it harder for a woman to say no.
In addition to the cultural norms which molded us, we have the task of being the one sex who can give birth, biologically hardwired to nurture. When we give birth, our hormones make it so that we want to love and take care of that cute little bundle of joy. We are born nurturers.
We also are less likely to want to hurt other’s feelings, so we say no less than our male counterparts.
Psychology Today puts it like this,
“…its actually a socially learned coping mechanism that can, with a little time and attention, be unlearned. As young children, girls are socialized to be nice and to be more in touch with their own and other people’s feelings than are boys. There’s nothing wrong with being nice. And there is definitely nothing wrong with being liked. Boys, on the other hand, are socialized to be less attuned to people’s feelings, and to win.”
Being nice isn’t necessarily the problem.
As a mom, though, I never tell my daughter to be nice; however, I’ve heard other people tell her that.
The problem is when girls learn to subject their feelings and wants to the point of being taken advantage of. When they learn to subjugate their needs for another person’s needs, that’s when it gets dangerous for our daughters.
Teach your daughters to say no, and to mean it. And lead by example.
Example:
M: Mom, can I to stay up until midnight to FaceTime my friends? AW: No. You know the rules. Midnight is too late for a 14-year old. M: All the kids’ parents in my class let them stay up that late. AW: Oh, wow. If that is true, that is their decision for their kids. M: If you loved me, you would let me stay up that late and talk to my friends! AW: I do love you, *and* I’m not letting you stay up that late M: I hate you! You are the strictest mom in the world. My life sucks because of you! AW: I’m sorry you feel that way. I love you.
Example:
You are leaving the office at 6:00 to hurry home to make dinner for your family when your boss asks you to do something.
M: Hi, I just remembered I need all the examples in this declaration to match each exhibit. AW: You know, actually, I’m unable to do that now. But you can call so-and-so to get that done. M: You need to do it. AW: I hear that, but I am unable to. M: You could do it tonight before tomorrow morning… AW: Actually, I’m unable to tonight. M: This will show up on your annual performance review. AW: I hear you. If that’s what you need to do, I understand that.
How to say no to a man you are not interested in.
Some men excel at getting women to respond to a request by making her uncomfortable. Guess what, despite what society has shoved down our throats, you don’t have to give anyone an answer if you don’t want to.
Not responding is a response.
As long as you are responding, you are giving that man attention and engaging.
A man on the street who asks you how you are doing, a homeless man asking you for money, or a man who smiles at you and wants a response, these are examples of men trying to make a woman uncomfortable, to elicit a response.
If you don’t want to engage, don’t. You are not obligated to give any response.
Try not giving a reply some time, you are not required to even though society dictates it.
One time I was passing a man on the street and got the typical, “Smile sweetheart, it’s a gorgeous day!” I smiled when I wanted to just ignore the inappropriate stranger.
Saying no is a more definite response, or saying nothing.
If you are in the dating market, make ‘no’ your best friend.
According to psychologytoday.com, men have a hard time hearing the word no, and women have a hard time saying the word no. Thus, a lot of miscommunication between the sexes happens.
I’ve never used a dating app, I’d rather die alone, but many of my friends have.
Hearing their stories of what is out there, men have a hard time hearing no, even via email and text. I don’t really know how dating apps work, but I know how email works. And I think the same rules can apply.
Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love said something interesting on The Tim Ferriss Show the other day, she views her email box as an extension of her home.
If someone ‘walks’ into her email box, uninvited (they obtained her email address from a third party), she deletes the email without responding. If they have taken the liberty of emailing you by getting your email from anyone but you, you don’t owe them anything.
I have also lived my life with strict boundaries like this example. I have a tiny circle of intimate friends; I don’t need a lot of acquaintances. I like to keep my circle small, close, and tight.
Elizabeth Gilbert looks at her inbox, like her living room. If she didn’t invite you into her living room, she doesn’t feel as though she needs to offer you coffee, make you a sandwich, or engage in conversation.
She just deletes you without responding.
So, if some rando acquires her email address — she didn’t invite into her “living room” — to ask for a favor, DELETE. No “sorry, I can’t do that,” or “I’ll think about it.” It’s simply deleted. No response required.
I love this.
Feel free to apply this boundary to someone getting your phone number or someone sliding into your DM’s — unless you want to invite them in. That’s another story.
Who has time for unsolicited asks? I want to give to the people in my life who matter.
Having the boundaries to say ‘no’ to the things in my life that don’t matter frees me to give more time to the things I love to do, like writing and sitting in the sun, feeling its warmth on my face, making my child tomato sauce from scratch and reading.
More examples:
M: You are incredibly selfish AW: You might be right about that, and no.
M: I really, really need you to do this for me. AW: I see that, and no.
M: Please…we really need you to do this. You are the only one who knows the material. AW: I hear you, and I understand, and no.
M: I’m desperate, I really could use your help. AW: I see that. I see your situation, and no.
Or,
AW: If I change my mind about this, I’ll let you know, and no.
How to say no.
- Say no, and mean it. You have to mean the word no.
- Begin with thank you, *and* no. Never include a ‘but,’ include an ‘and.’ Thank you, and no
- Don’t hem and haw — this leaves the door open for manipulators (many of us are manipulators, and we don’t know it. Some of us do know it).
- Don’t negotiate, just say no. If you negotiate, so will the other person. You’ve opened it up for negotiation if you elaborate and give a specific reason for saying no.
- Don’t do the dance — if the person is a good enough manipulator, it won’t matter what they bring to the dance, you know how to keep saying no. They can ask a thousand times, and your answer is simply, ‘no.’
- Don’t give an explanation. The explanation will not suffice if the person is a master manipulator, they will keep pressing. Just say no. You don’t have to give an excuse.
- Don’t feel bad about saying no. You are allowed to say no.
- When dating, if you learn to say no and mean it, you won’t waste your time on a man you really are not that into, freeing you to meet the man you will be into.
- Once you are confident saying no to things you don’t want to do, you will have to use the word ‘no’ a lot less because the people around you will learn from your words and actions that you’re a woman of your word.
- Men who can’t take the word no for an answer are not men you want to be with. They are manipulative. Confident men can hear the word no and are attracted to confident women.
- Being comfortable with the word no will free up energy and emotional bandwidth. You will have more energy for what really matters to you.
- If someone is not respecting your no, they are trying to control you. That person you said no to needs to accept your answer and move on.
Final word on ‘no.’
Learning to say no and setting boundaries with the people in your life who are the closest to you is one of the most freeing gifts you can give to yourself.
It isn’t easy, but it is necessary to give to yourself first. Listen to your body, it is never wrong.
Jessica is a writer, an online entrepreneur, and a recovering perfectionist. She lives in Los Angeles with her extrovert daughter, two dogs, and two cats.
