The Art of Listening

Forget about teleporting or mind-reading, listening is the superpower everyone should have.

Many years ago my mother told me a joke about this particular group of her friends and the gatherings that they would have once in a while — in the midst of their conversations, one of the husbands noted: “everybody is talking, but no one is listening”.

It was funny back then because to picture that scene is just too comical — everyone spending most of their time talking about themselves, with topics changing faster than you can say, Jack Robinson.

Thinking about it now, that sort of social setting would just incite a sense of bewilderment in me rather than pure amusement. Are we as sentient beings so inclined to talking instead of listening? I personally find the expression by the Greek philosopher wonderful:

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” — Epictetus

We’ve probably come across this cliché saying countless times in our lives, but yet his words still ring true in the world we live in today. In spite of that, how often do we find ourselves speaking more than we listen?

From world leaders espousing their views to the media without pondering the potential repercussions to netizens posting and replying to comments without really thinking through what they’ve actually said, we can clearly observe the consequences of people not actually listening in our everyday lives.

The good news is — mastering the art of listening is doable for everyone, with a little bit of self-awareness and mindfulness.

Listen with the intent to understand, not with the intent to reply

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply” — Stephen R. Covey

Taken from his highly recommended book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, Covey highlights the great importance and usefulness of emphatic listening. A very profound shift in paradigm occurs when we realize that during an engaging conversation, we should “seek first to understand”, instead of the typical “seek first to be understood”.

If we listen with the intention to reply, we are preparing to speak, we are filtering through our own paradigms, portraying our own autobiography onto other people’s lives, we are prescribing our own glasses for everyone with whom we interact.

“Oh, I know exactly how you feel! I went through the very same thing. Let me tell you about my experience!”

Honestly, nobody wants to hear what you went through when they themselves are going through something tough at that moment.

Focus on and pay attention to what’s being said, put the effort into understanding what’s being conveyed, and be mentally and emotionally present during the conversation, rather than constantly deciding what to say next before the other party finishes communicating.

Make people feel heard

Part of listening is making others feel like you are actually listening. Typically when someone speaks to us, we are listening at one of the four levels. We may be totally ignoring them, not paying attention at all. On the second level, we may be pretending. Throw in a couple of nods and repeat “Yeah. Uh-huh. Right”. On the third level, we may practice selective listening, tuning in to particular parts of the conversation. On the fourth level, we may practice attentive listening, focusing our energy on the words articulated. However, many of us fail to reach the fifth level of empathic listening, the highest form of listening that truly makes people feel heard.

To achieve that we need to get inside the other person’s frame of reference. We need to look out through it, walk in their shoes, see the world the way they see the world, understand their paradigm, and finally understand how they genuinely feel. Listen with not just your ears, but also with your eyes and heart.

One of the simplest ways to do this is to eliminate your distractions, and yes I am talking about that little screen that constantly lights up, placed right next to you. Put your phone out of sight and resist the urge to check for notifications during the conversation. Being distracted does nothing but prevent us from being present to the conversation at hand and it makes it easier for us to miss important ideas and notifications.

No one wants to go on a date where the opposite party is constantly distracted by his or her phone, that just shows insincerity and even disinterest, though sometimes unintentionally. On the contrary, people are more likely to engage in future interactions with you if they feel listened to. So, play your cards right.

Ask great and clarifying questions

Often going hand-in-hand with the previous point is the technique of asking questions that show you are listening with intent. Asking and referencing someone over something that they’ve said moments ago demonstrates that you’re actually listening to someone. This shows that you are sufficiently tuned in to what they’re saying, allowing you to question things on a deeper level, which takes a great deal of concentration.

Great listeners promote insight and discovery through follow-up questions. It shows interest in building on what you heard. It helps you learn and understand more from what the speaker is saying. Perhaps most importantly, it carries the conversation forward. This would allow the speaker to build a positive impression of you in their minds, strengthening the interaction.

Most of the time asking the right questions could also avoid misunderstandings. Think of all the times a fight or an argument could be averted if one just listens and tries to understand instead of just simply making assumptions and thinking from a one-dimensional perspective. Remember, to assume is to make an ass out of u and me.

Words are powerful. Listening can be equally as powerful.

It shouldn’t be regarded as a chore; it’s about the most interesting thing we can do. Listening helps us understand, listening helps us learn and grow, listening helps us discover ourselves. It’s essential to building a high-quality relationships with others — both personally and professionally.

When you talk, you’re merely repeating something you already know. But if you listen, you might learn something new.

And honestly, the world would be better off if people listen more than talk.