The Art of Letting Go
Your path to more contentment, peace, and ease
The ability to live fully and eventually meet death with an open heart and a curious mind depends upon learning to let go of your attachments.
Every single one.
Your possessions, your relationships, your work, and your body all get left behind at death, no matter how deeply you cherish them.
But change isn’t reserved for death. Change is the one constant factor in life.
So, wouldn’t it be best to learn to let go now?
Learning to let go can transform your life in the most beautiful of ways. You’ll naturally come to feel more gratitude, joy, and ease when you recognize and appreciate the fragility of existence.
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”—Lao Tzu
Why letting go is hard: The ingrained desire for continuity
In one sense, I can’t envision finally letting go of everything dear to me, knowing none of it will ever be seen, heard, touched, smelled, or tasted again.
Like most people, I’m embroiled in my daily activities. Even though I know otherwise, I often take them all to be so real, important, and lasting.
This ingrained desire for continuity, known as “Abhinivesha” in the Yoga sutras, is a strongly embedded aspect of the human psyche. It leads to unnecessary suffering, holding on when it’s time to let go, and doesn’t bring peace, contentment, or ease.
How can we flow with life? How can we get accustomed to impermanence and let go of the long string of attachments that keep us tightly earthbound? How can we unknot the automatic desire for continuity?
Let’s examine some of the common attachments we all hold — to this life, this body, our possessions, and our relationships — and consider how we might be able to lighten the bindings, bit by bit.
1. Soften the fear of death
Perhaps, first and foremost, we have to come to terms with our fear of death, which represents our attachment to this life. After all, death can come at any moment.
I believe — in one part of my being — that death is simply the shedding of this body and a doorway into the next realm, whatever that might be. But, this hasn’t yet fully penetrated my psyche nor completely erased my fear.
I know it’s a matter of retraining my mind to see myself as spirit or as unformed consciousness that continues beyond this earthbound time.
So, I reflect on death and impermanence daily. I try to consider death positively, as an opportunity to be free of the constraints of the body and to recognize myself as spirit, soul, or pure consciousness set free.
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly. — Richard Bach
If you fear death, how can you re-frame your view in a positive way?
2. Remember impermanence
It may sound counter-intuitive, but remembering impermanence each day can infuse your life with gratitude, help you to get your priorities straight, and ensure that you’re seeing reality as it is.
Remembering impermanence is another way to diffuse your fear of death and all the changes that occur in life.
When you wake up in the morning, think of what a miracle it is to be alive. Did you know that neurotransmitters speed along at hundreds of miles per hour? That’s one example of the beautiful complexity of the body, an extraordinary gift that works endlessly for you each and every day.
And, that’s just for a start! Take a look around you. I think you’ll find another miracle or two at the very least.
Take time to reflect on impermanence each day by observing the signs of change all around you: birth, death, night dawning into day, the movement of the seasons, the constantly changing circumstances at home, at work, or in your town.
These types of transitory phenomena exemplify gross impermanence. They can remind you that life moves on so there’s no time to waste. Reflect on this often, not once in a blue moon.
On a subtle level, molecules and their parts constantly move about even in the structures we consider solid like tables, rocks, and walls.
“Every subatomic interaction consists of the annihilation of the original particles and the creation of new subatomic particles. The subatomic world is a continual dance of creation and annihilation, of mass changing into energy and energy changing to mass. Transient forms sparkle in and out of existence, creating a never-ending, forever newly created reality. “— Gary Zukav
Nothing stays the same for an instant.
When you go to sleep at night, be grateful once again. Then, like the great spiritual masters of the past, turn your cup over each evening — literally or metaphorically — as a sign that tomorrow is uncertain, and if death should arrive, you’re ready to let go.
3. Let go of your possessions
If you cling to your possessions now, think of what it will be like when you come close to death. Will you be ready to let go of your house, your car, and your wardrobe? Or will you be obsessed about what will happen to them?
You need to take care of yourself on the material plane, but how far must you go? It’s more expensive to live and even die in this modern world. But you don’t need a five or six-figure income; that’s usually just ego in disguise.
All the excess money and possessions won’t matter much as you lay on your deathbed reflecting on your life.
Embrace simplicity now if you wish to live and die with ease. Practice giving away your possessions. If someone says they like your scarf, hand it over with glee. Give away all the excess to charity. Make monetary donations whenever you can.
4. Reduce attachment to your body
Please take care of your body, but don’t get fanatical about it. Although the body can be a vehicle for profound transformation, only the subtle awareness continues on after death.
Most of us immediately identify with the body as “me,” but is that really so?
The “body scan” is one method that can help you realize your presumably solid constitution is none other than constantly changing sensations and madly moving molecules. When you take a look, there’s no permanent “you” to be found in your body or your mind.
Sit quietly and slowly scan your body like a photocopier from head to toe. Notice each sensation as you gradually move from one spot to the next.
They’re ever-changing, aren’t they, not a permanent or fixed state of affairs. The more you lightly scan your body, the more you’ll come to sense its changeability. Eventually, you’ll stop believing it’s the permanent you.
As the great Buddhist master, Milarepa said,
“This thing called ‘corpse’ we dread so much is living with us here and now.”
If you’re not your body, what are you then? Contemplate that.
5. Love fully right now
Even though I’ve written many articles about love and attachment, I’m still human just like you. I don’t want to be separated from my family or friends. But I know it’s inevitable.
One of the best ways to reduce attachment to those in your intimate circle is to love as fully as you can in every moment. Then, you’re more likely to feel complete and without regrets when the time comes to let go—either due to a separation or your last moment of life.
As the eminent 19th-century Buddhist master Patrul Rinpoche recommended, consciously avoid anger, quarrels, and harsh words in your relationships. Since we never know how much time we have left to be together, don’t squander it in fights. Instead, put all your heart into being affectionate, loving, and attentive knowing any minute could be your last with one another.
What could be a more fulfilling practice than to love and let go?
6. Let go of thoughts and emotions too
We hang onto thoughts and emotions as if they constituted reality. But, in fact, the majority of our thoughts and emotions bring unhappiness, stress, and distress, especially when they’re repeated endlessly in our heads.
Don’t suppress thoughts or emotions. That can just lead to an unhealthy state in body and mind. Allow them to come and go, recognizing they’re not the real you.
Behind all their comings and goings, there’s an always present awareness, isn’t there? Align with that.
Letting go of thoughts and emotions will become easier when you understand their fundamental unreality. This will help prepare your mind to peacefully move from this existence to the next.
If you don’t ready yourself for that climactic moment by working with your mind now, you might get stuck in a hubbub of emotional intensity just when it matters the most. That will only make it more difficult to let go.
In fact, some people become more attached as they near death. They linger in discomfort and fear, clinging to this life with tightly clenched fists. Is that how you want to be?
Closing thoughts
“If you let go a little you will have a little happiness. If you let go a lot you will have a lot of happiness. If you let go completely you will be free.” — Ajahn Chah
The time to get ready for death starts right now, whatever your age. It begins with learning to let go of your attachments. We tend to feel most strongly attached to:
- Our life
- Wanting things to stay the same
- Our body
- Our possessions
- People
- Thoughts and emotions
The ability to let go isn’t learned overnight. It’s a process you must initiate consciously. It’s a practice you must institute regularly.
But it’s also a game plan for the best possible life.
As soon as you begin to let go, you start to reap the benefits—more contentment, more peace, more ease, right now.
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