The Art of Keeping the Balloon in the Air:
3 Tips for Being Paid to be Useless and Getting Away With It
When we were kids and had a balloon, we spent hours trying to keep it in the air without touching the ground. It was a lot of fun, as we challenged ourselves to keep the count going. This fond memory was recalled as I tried to metaphorically understand the frequent experience of sitting in professional meetings with people who hold authority but remain utterly unproductive in their contribution to the team.
We would like to believe that we climb the ranks and accomplish things based on our skills and hard work. However, there are factors such as opportunity provided, network involvement, being liked, as well as other social/environmental factors that line up for our success. It is rare, though, that you find a person with virtually no hard work and skill whose success equation is based solely on the social/environmental privilege.
Too much time and money is spent buying into motivational and self-help guru’s teachings about how to be successful. Hard work, discipline, and persistence are key elements to these formulas. Using the “Balloon Game” metaphor, this story attempts to highlight the 3 necessary skills required to achieve success in the workplace without actually doing anything but showing up.
#1 Ask Pointless But Related Questions
An issue on the meeting agenda comes up in the conversation. We will call this issue the balloon. As the issue is tossed out, the floor opens for discussion. Different individuals who are involved begin to give perspective to the issue and continue tossing it around and keeping it in the air while it becomes more collectively understood. As it becomes clear that responsibility for executing the outcome is going to land on in front of the useless person, they dive in with a random but related question that sounds curious and inquisitive, thus keeping the Balloon in the air.
As the question comes out everyone is thinking, “That’s a stupid question,” but what we know about people who are natural problem solvers is that they like to answer questions, so they take the bait and continue to keep the Balloon in the air tossing it around a few more times. Before long, no one remembers how they got down this path but continue in respectful contribution to the issue. Again the balloon seems like it is going to fall, but the useless person asks another seemingly relevant question.
#2 Take Advantage of the Dynamics of a Group of Problem Solvers
The questioning may continue for some time, keeping everyone on their toes. The useless person is relying on the task-focused orientation of problem solvers. Keep the task bouncing around, and you keep everyone chasing the ball of yarn like a cat. The overpaid, useless person is not stupid; rather, they are intricately tapped into the dynamics of the group. Although some of the silent partakers are thinking to themselves how confusing and unproductive the conversation has been, the useless person knows that no one is going to call them out for merely asking innocent questions and risk themselves looking like an ass. However, no one wants to speak up and because they are all tuning into the alpha dog in the group who is trying to be respectful. However, the alpha dog is too busy taking the bait. People in groups learn over time to not disrupt the homeostasis of the dynamic, or they will be made to be embarrassed. They have seen it happen to others over the years.
#3 Refer to People Who Are Not in the Meeting
What’s weird is that the actual answer to the problem was evident long ago in the conversation, but somehow the issue (Balloon) has yet to land. Just as it is again is coming to a resolution, marvelously, the person whose department the task was supposed to fall on, pulls out another tactic. This time they refer to someone who is not in the meeting, which they will have to check in with before anything can be done further.
So the meeting ends, and nothing gets done. The Balloon never lands and persists until the next meeting, where of course, unforeseen circumstances have prevented the accomplishment of the follow-up tasks. The balloon game gets to happen again, and somehow no one notices. Now it is important to remember that this ploy only works well if you are the only useless person in the group, or if there is a rather large group for multiple useless people to hide in. So, in conclusion, the 3 strategies that useless people employ are: 1) Playing dumb by asking curious questions, 2) Rely on the task-oriented nature of the group, and 3) Refer to people who are not present as being necessary components to your ability to carry out your responsibility. If you follow these steps, you can manage to be useless and overpaid.
If you have read this far, thank you! I would love to hear your feedback, have a discussion, or debate these concepts. Let’s connect at, PsychologyToday, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter or shoot me an email at [email protected].