The Art of Ghosting

Does anyone owe you an explanation for why they decide to disappear

I used to enjoy listening to a radio show where there was a segment called ‘War of the Roses’. This segment was dedicated to finding out if a woman’s boyfriend was cheating on her and the results were usually entertaining. While listening to it was admittedly not the best use of my time, it usually entertained me on my way to work.

Soon, the radio station introduced a new segment called, “Second Date Update”, where people would call the radio station and ask them to call someone who had ghosted them. Usually, the people were ghosted for odd reasons, such as a man naming his dog after himself. The show was usually entertaining (and possibly fake), but I had a difficult time relating to the people who called in.

I don’t put myself out there much, so I’ve only been ghosted once. My experience happened right after I ended a long-term relationship. Men I hadn’t connected with in years were now in my inbox, asking me on dates or telling me they thought I was gorgeous. I’ve never been the type to hop from relationship to relationship, so I didn’t humor any of them. I did, however, connect (non-romantically) with a former coworker who’d recently gotten married.

At first, I was grateful to rekindle our friendship, but it didn’t take long for him to disappear. It should have been a red flag when he told me how miserable he was with his wife, but I’d always thought of him as just a friend. Things took a weird turn when he began asking me if I found him to be dateable. I tried to avoid the question, but ultimately, I answered. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I said yes and suggested that he join tinder if he couldn’t resolve things with his wife. That was the last time I spoke to him before he disappeared from my friend list.

Losing a friend stung, and I couldn’t help wondering if I’d done something wrong. The conversation I’d had with him was weird, but I didn’t think I’d said anything that merited me being ghosted. Today I believe I may have been exchanging messages with his wife instead of him. Honestly, I know I’ll never have a definite answer to why he disappeared, but do I need one? Regardless of the reason, he left the friendship and I deserve friends who are truly invested in our friendship.

Many people stress about being ghosted. Some even analyze every minute of their date before making a post online asking strangers for the reason their date could have lost interest. These posts usually take a hostile turn, as the person who originally made the post becomes defensive because they’ve recently been hurt. The post soon turns into a debate about whether the person doing the ghosting should have explained why they decided the relationship wouldn’t work out.

Many people claimed that understanding why they were ghosted would stop them from making mistakes in future relationships. A small portion of those wanting to know the reason they were ghosted are seeking answers hoping to rekindle their abandoned relationship.

I recently came across one of these posts, where the poster wanted to know why she’d been ghosted so she took to the internet to ask strangers why they ghosted former dates. I answered by saying that I’d never ghosted anyone but would if I felt they were too aggressive. Many people agreed with me, but there were a few who didn’t understand that I would have been ghosting for my safety.

A handful of people questioned why I wouldn’t just tell my significant other that they were being too aggressive. As I was answering them, I couldn’t help wondering why being ghosted should matter at all. While it isn’t exactly a formal breakup, the person is getting a message across that they are no longer interested. Knowing why they are no longer interested won’t bring them back. Knowing also may not have any benefits to bring into the next relationship.

There are plenty of people who do nothing wrong and simply drift apart from the other person. Sure, it would be nice to be formally broken up with and given a reason, but even knowing the reason for the breakup may not give you peace.

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