ABORTED SATIRE
The Anti-Vaxxers Who Secretly Got Vaccinated Are the Same Anti-Choicers Who Secretly Got Abortions
Entitlement is confusing
Recent studies from The American Scientific Journal of Hypocrisy and Hogwash show anti-vaxxers who secretly got vaccinated are the same anti-choicers who got abortions. Studies show people who are hypocrites are not choosy about what they are hypocritical about.
When I interviewed an anti-vaxxer/anti-choicer about her recent vaccination and abortion, she rolled her eyes at me.
“Look,” she said, slowly and patiently, acknowledging my confusion. “If everybody did what I do, all men would have elephantiasis of the testicles and there would be no babies anymore.”
When I asked why it was okay for her to get a vax and an abortion, but not for other people, she double rolled her eyes at me. She was not happy with how double dumb I was.
“In this democracy,” she began, “ that you democrats are obsessed with, we can do whatever we want! How can you say you believe in democracy and tell me I have to believe what you believe? You’re so Antifa.”
I tried to roll my eyes, but my lids were heavy from the sleep deprivation that began in 2016.
“Okay,” I said, taking a deep breath. “Let’s focus. Are you anti-vax and anti-choice?”
“Of course. Do you think I’m some sort of a monster who wants Bill Gates’ homing device in my DNA?”
“Okay,” I said, breathing through my mouth since I gag at the smell of bullshit. “You just walked out of an abortion clinic with giant maxi-pads and you have a Thanks for getting boosted bandaid on your shoulder. How do you explain that?”
“I’m gonna speak stupid to you for a minute so you don't get lost, okay freedom hater?” She was looking at me with genuine concern now. “What I do — with my life — is private.”
“But you’re a walking contradiction, “ I yelled, waving my hands in the air because I cared. “You don’t believe in abortion and you just got one. You don’t believe in vaccinations and you’re boosted. Help me understand.”
She looked at me suspiciously now. “Are you telling me,” she began, “that you were born in this country and you think people care about other people? I might be a hypocrite, but at least I’m not going to drain the welfare system with my unwanted baby and end up in a hospital on a ventilator.” I barfed.
Recent studies show that people who interview vaccinated anti-vaxxers who don’t believe in Pro-choice but recently aborted their baby, lower the interviewer's life expectancy by half a century. I should be dead by morning. If only my mother would have aborted me and I would have resisted vaccination, I could have avoided this conversation.
Thanks to Carol Lennox for being on the right side of history and the funny side of the written word. And Gary Chapin, thanks for keeping academia absurd.
Would you rather be laughing? MuddyUm and Amy Sea
