The Annual Hill Race

Plus a different kind of race

The race to the top of the hill and then back down was one of the most anticipated events of the summer in the town of Brook Meadows. Most participants practiced for months in order to be in their best shape in hopes of winning the contest and the grand prize of one hundred dollars.

The contest was held in the middle of August during the Founder’s Day weekend, a local celebration of the town’s founding back in 1892. It always seemed to be the hottest weekend of the year.

From the park at the foot of the hill where contestants lined up awaiting the firing of the starter’s pistol it was a very steep 900 foot climb to the top of the hill and, of course, a steep 900 foot descent back down to the starting line. Atop the very conical hill was a small gazebo where volunteers offered water and first aid to the runners.

Injuries were sustained by at least a few climbers every year — mostly on the descent. The hillside was covered with rocks and small tufts of grass. Many of the rocks would give way under a climber’s foot sending them tumbling.

In addition to the hundred bucks the winner of the race also had their name engraved on an ongoing plaque in the gazebo at the top of the hill. Last year’s winner, Jimmy Splendor, had his named engraved nine times on that plaque, more than any other racer since the hill race started back in 1953. He hoped to make it ten times this year.

Jimmy had been the starting quarterback of the Brook Meadows high school football team and was very popular. He went on to play football in college at a nearby city then came home and became a very successful real estate agent. He was now also serving as mayor of Brook Meadows. The hundred bucks did not really matter to him as he was quite well-to-do. For him, it was all about the winning.

Lester Slocum never participated in the hill race. Lester was Jimmy Splendor’s archenemy back in high school. He never played football or any other sport. Instead, Lester preferred to sneak out behind the bleachers to smoke pot and kiss girls. He was a trouble-maker and just barely graduated from high school after which he got a job as a car mechanic at Big Bill’s Texaco where he continues to work.

It was the day after Jimmy Splendor won the hill race for the tenth time that Lester Slocum bought a scratch ticket and won ten thousand dollars. After throwing a lavish party he then decided that he would spend some of his winning money giving back to the town where he had lived all his life. And he came up with a unique idea.

He decided to sponsor his own hill race and he planned for it to fall on the autumnal equinox. And the grand prize winner would win a thousand dollars — ten times the amount of money as the hill race Jimmy kept winning!

But this race would be very different. Very. Instead of winning the race by being the fastest person to ascend and descend the hill, the winner would be the one who took the longest to do so. It was a race to see who could be the slowest!

There were rules, though. You could not go halfway up the hill and sit down to rest. You had to be moving at all times — just very, very slowly. And there was no backtracking allowed. On the ascent contestants could only move forward and upward and on the descent they could only move forward and downward.

Furthermore, before the race commenced each contestant had to drink one full bottle of beer. Once they reached the gazebo they were given another beer to drink on their descent of the hill. And the final rule was that there was no urination allowed. If on your descent your bladder was about to burst the only thing you could do was to quickly finish your descent in order to use the restroom facilities in the park and thereby eliminating yourself from the race.

It was nice and cool on the day of the autumnal equinox. The park was filled with people. A total of 157 people entered the race. Apparently, a thousand dollar prize attracts more people than a hundred dollar prize.

After all the contestants finished their beer Lester pointed his pistol in the air (he didn’t own a starter pistol so he used the pistol he normally kept in the glove box of his pickup truck). He fired and the race was on. The contestants began moving very, very, very, very slowly up the hill.

It was high noon and Lester wondered if the race would be over by sunset. He sat down in a lawn chair next to his girlfriend. A cooler filled with ice and beer was on the ground between them. Binoculars hung around his neck. Lester was the official judge of the race so he had to keep a close eye on things.

The ascent took hours. The entire hillside was covered with contestants. The descent went a littler quicker with several people suddenly speeding down the hill towards the park’s restroom facilities. Finally, there were just a handful left inching ever so slowly towards the finish line.

After almost seven hours the race was finally over and the winner was Adam Livingston — who Lester remembered played the trombone in the high school marching band. As he handed a thousand dollars in cash to Adam a group of cops approached Lester and promptly arrested him for discharging a firearm in the city park and for holding an event involving alcohol in the city park without a permit. Lester spent the night in jail where, thankfully, there were ample restroom facilities.

The next morning Brook Meadows erupted in scandal as it was learned that Adam Livingston had cheated in Lester’s hill race. Apparently, he had worn a device that was strapped to his leg which he had been secretly peeing into. He was forced to give the thousand bucks to the second-place contestant, Joy Willingham who, back in high school, was a cheerleader who had dated Jimmy Splendor.

As Lester Slocum left the police station that morning he was greeted by a bright autumnal sun and a group of reporters with cameras and microphones.

Practically simultaneously, several microphones were shoved in his face and all the reporters asked, “So what are going to do next?”

Lester scratched the beard stuble on his chin, “Hmm, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll run for mayor.”

Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fiction.

Speaking of high school…