The Alpha Rejection
It hurts when your partner rejects your views. But is “hurt” worth your offense?
On a bright Sunday morning, I had just sat down with my tea, browsing my Instagram feed. It was winters, and warm mornings like these lift your mood like nothing else.
On Instagram, my feed is generally filled with memes. Which are honestly funny. And at times manipulative.
Around this time, there were protests against the government regarding a newly introduced bill. In my view, it was a plain case of opposition ramble, their dissent at every other government’s policy.
And, fairly so. It is their job to bring out the fallacies in policies.
But all in all, I was quite convinced with my knowledge of the policy background and people’s reaction that it was a right step in the proposed direction. Up until my phone rang.
It was my girlfriend. After the routine morning talk, she calls out, “Alright, what else?”
Now here’s the thing. I don’t usually bring up political talks in our discussions, because we both are on different ends of ideology spectrums (at least up until that point of time). But on this very special day, I missed.
Probably it was the warm sun or the sweet Earl Grey tea, but in essence, I blurted out my half-baked views on the topic.
15 mins. later, we are fighting, or more subtly, “defending” our point of view — but now to the extent of hurting the other person’s point of view.
I guess you already saw that coming. Offense is not the best, but surely the easiest form of defense. And at these times, I can get very, very hurtful with my twisted sarcasm.
Anyways, sometime later, the call is cut. Not angrily, abruptly.
But not angrily.
Somewhat awkwardly.
30 more mins. have passed. The tea is now cold. Instagram starts refreshing again just as Pubity’s video was loading. Great, now the sun has started burning too.
The Classic Tale
I’m not blurting a self-made prologue. The above story is not fiction, it is my real story.
The funny (and sad) part? This can easily be replaced with multiple other instances where my point of view, or an idea, or a thought, was questioned and I felt the need to defend it, ferociously.
By ferociously I mean exactly what it sounds like — Offence like there’s all BS defense. It sounds like a bad thing to do, it is a bad thing to do, but it just kicks in so naturally at times that you only realize it when the moment’s gone and the damage is done.
It does not need to be a political topic every time. I’ve seen couples fighting over things as to what type of coffee is the best? And the origin of all these fights is nothing but your take on a thing, getting questioned or declined by your partner, as a result of which you get offended and in turn, offend the other person’s questioning.
A classic case of Alpha Rejection.
The Alpha Rejection
It’s probably not a term you will find studies about on Google. I have made it up.
The Alpha tendency of a person, being questioned or simply rejected, leading to unpleasant behaviour by the person.
More often than not, we don’t like to be questioned.
It’s nothing new, it’s natural. Most of us think we are smart (rightly so) and therefore believe we know stuff as much or more than the other person (not quite right).
To be questioned seems like,
- Lack of trust from the questioner
- Lack of clarity in what the speaker (you) just explained
both of which, a “smart” person hates. (Not quite smart when you think of it, eh?)
“What, am I not clear enough?”
“What do you mean this isn’t the full picture, I spent countless nights of scrolling through BBC news just to now know this is useless?”
“All of my research on the best floral prints for our home is useless?”
“All the coffee beans knowledge which I learned in my barista classes is useless?!”
The alpha rejection has led to so many fights in my relationship, I don’t even want to count to.
After flushing out the cold tea and pouring a fresh one, I sat down to reflect on what just happened.
I’m not an emotionally fool person, my EQ is good — but then why does it keep happening to me? Why can’t I let thing go at times?
On second thought, it’s probably a very broad question.
“Why” could have a multitude of reasons — immaturity, insecurities, growing up experiences. All of these lead us to start throwing offenses as easily as crossing a red light in an empty town street at night (is it just me?)
The point being, it is wrong and easy. What we don’t see, is the approaching jogger down the corner.
Thinking yourself to be the driver of a relationship is the no. 1 reason for this conflict. Sadly, but mostly, this happens to the male partners a lot. Patriarchy, I assume.
“Oh I’m in the driving seat. Oh yes, I need to be making the wise choices every time. What? You question my choice? But it is right for BOTH of us — that’s how I intended it to be.”
Damn you Shagun, you idiot.
“Let go off the driving wheel, will you?”
Think of it from a bird’s eye view. In day to day dealings, you have got to sit back, take a little laugh from your partner — ON YOU — take some more criticism from them, and only so can you win the bigger game — your relationship.
I’m in no way suggesting to let go of your beliefs. Keep them, keep them tugged in your pockets. That cappuccino certainly has more froth than a latte, but don’t mock someone for their disinterest in your stupid froth.
It does feel good at both ends. You become less self-conscious to be always the “smart” one and the other person feels very respected and acknowledged seeing your reactions.
Therefore, Takeaway #1
Never jump back at someone just because they start to show signs of non-approval
Takeaway #2
Be more open to opposing ideas and empathetic enough to respect them
Never forget —
Your actions, decide their reactions, eventually leading to more/ less attraction, y’all!
Can I now get back to my tea, please?
Hi, I’m Shagun. I like to read and write about science, philosophy, society and business. Instead of writing on a whim, I take my time to read, understand, experiment and then write on interesting topics. Follow me here for other interesting articles.