Personal development

The Actual Reason Unavailable People Are Attractive to You

You seem hooked, but you only reach for detrimental relationships because you’re hurt

It appears everyone you meet is unsuitable partner material: They are unavailable. They already partnered up or just don’t want a serious relationship. You, though, tell yourself — and all your friends — what you want most in life is to settle down with ‘the one.’

The one, however, is married, lives on the opposite side of the globe, or isn’t interested in you. And it’s not fair. How come other people get together and enjoy long-term coupling, yet, the only people you date want a one-night stand or to meet you once a week in a hotel room?

Why is your chosen partner terminally ill, in prison, or undergoing other regrettable circumstances that mean they can’t commit to you? Or you met them on vacation and can’t afford to travel back and forth to visit? Or do they want to be with you but can’t leave their needy former lingering partner?

Might the circumstances you see as problematic serve you? Could it be you subconsciously choose, repeatedly, to date unavailable people?

Intensity increases when barriers to romance exist

Emotions are addictive. Otherwise, why do some people love the fight-or-flight response triggered by riding on roller coasters? And what makes them snuggle close to someone they fancy (and fancy them even more) while they watch scary movies together?

After all, the sizzle of romance is a chemical reaction. Getting involved with an unavailable person is like hanging upside down while strapped into the seat of a fairground ride. It’s a thrill that takes your mind off whatever else you could do that scares you more. It gives you a buzz that keeps you on the edge of your seat.

Intensity

An obstacle to love might make romance feel more intense. The same awkward tingle you get as you watch frightening movies occurs when you constantly deal with what stands in the way of a doable relationship.

The ex, who won’t let go, the lack of time or money, or other ‘problem’ in your way makes your relationship tense. You’re on tenterhooks — painful yet addictive anxiety that resembles the satisfaction of peeling off loose, sunburned skin from your body. You know it will hurt. They’ll be a raw, red patch. But you can’t resist.

You seem hooked, but you only reached for a detrimental relationship because you’re hurt.

Avoidance

An apt liaison isn’t on the cards. It’s not because you aren’t lovable or long-term relationship fodder. It’s due to the way you are unconsciously attracted to unavailable partners. You experience a strong urge to couple up with individuals you can’t enjoy a future with for a reason.

Behavior pattern

If you often enter relationships with inaccessible individuals, you’re following a behavior pattern. Such patterns embed in your psyche and serve a purpose. Often, they exist to help you steer clear of experiences you fear.

Recognize what your behavior stops you from enjoying. In your case, it’s lasting intimacy. You’re fine with having a relationship only as long as it’s a loose connection going nowhere. It’s likely in the past, you suffered a loss, and your subconscious remembers the event and doesn’t want you to meet another similar one.

A parent might have abandoned you. Or someone else let you down or mistreated you, and you don’t want that to happen again. If you never have an enduring relationship, your fate is sealed. Never again must you undergo potential rejection, abandonment, or exploitation from someone you love.

Of course, it might look as though your unsuitable partners don’t give you enough attention, but you can attribute their behavior to circumstances beyond their control. As far as you’re concerned, they have no choice but not to offer you the respect or attention you want.

Somewhere deep within, though, you torment yourself and imagine they could commit to you if they tried harder, and that old ‘I’m not good enough’ feeling you earned long ago remains. What’s more, their actions mimic the behavior you want to avoid.

It’s not their fault, they tell you, but they must let you down, reject you for someone else regularly, or attend to something more important than you. And even if it’s studying, working, or tending to their dying mother, you’ll always be second best.

However, you have an advantage: You decided not to commit to them because you knew they were unavailable. So, you tell yourself you’ve made a choice. You’re in charge, and they don’t have the power to hurt you.

Only they do.

How to get out of the loop

Once you recognize you follow a behavior pattern that prevents you from gaining long-term love, you have the opportunity to change. It’s time to face your fear of rejection, recognizing the only way you can open yourself to love is by letting yourself be vulnerable.

True romance is not guaranteed. It can’t be. All relationships are unforeseeable games in which couples must place a bet or automatically lose because they refuse to play.

Until now, you decided not to fall in love with someone with the power to hurt you. A cherished relationship couldn’t develop because something was in the way. By choosing not to engage in similar liaisons, you will be free to enjoy healthier ones.

Initially, potential longstanding partners might not seem attractive because of your old habit. So aim to be open-minded and get to know people you wouldn’t usually date. Give them a chance to shine. You never know; they could be ‘the one.’ And if not, at least you gave yourself the chance to experience lasting love.

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Bridget Webber writes articles for magazines and websites; she often ghostwrites for professionals who can’t spare the time to pen compositions. She’s written poetry eBooks and is featured in several leading publications.