Summary

The author recounts their experiences with "accidental dates" and the challenges of navigating misunderstood social interactions.

Abstract

The article titled "The Accidental Dater" details the author's history of unintentionally going on dates due to their difficulty in distinguishing between platonic hangouts and romantic dates. This led to several uncomfortable situations where the author had to fend off unwanted advances from individuals they were not interested in romantically or sexually. The author describes learning to handle these scenarios gracefully without hurting feelings, which sometimes resulted in the loss of friendships. Despite improvements over time, the wariness of new invitations persists, and the author humorously wishes for a system of buttons to clearly display one's romantic intentions. The piece concludes with the author's desire for straightforward, non-sneaky dates, questioning if such a wish is unrealistic.

Opinions

The author views their past experiences with accidental dating as frustrating and often awkward.
They express a clear preference for platonic interactions over romantic ones in many of the situations described.
The author has developed a blunt yet nuanced approach to rejecting unwanted advances while maintaining friendships.
There is a sense of exasperation over the loss of friendships due to misunderstandings about the nature of their interactions.
The author humorously suggests a hypothetical solution involving buttons to indicate romantic interest, highlighting their desire for clarity in social interactions.
They convey a longing for genuine, honest dating experiences without the confusion of unspoken intentions.

The Accidental Dater

I was a serial accidental dater for years.

Photo of a fallen ice cream cone. RIP ice cream, we barely knew you. Photo by Sarah Kilian on Unsplash

I used to be terrible at discerning between a date or just hanging out. And because of that, I ended up on a lot of what I called “accidental dates.”

It was rather frustrating because more often than not, I wasn’t looking to date these people (mostly men, but also one bi woman who tried to get me drunk and take advantage of me, not realizing my high tolerance for alcohol but a low tolerance for shady behavior).

I thought hanging out would be cool, but I wasn’t romantically interested or sexually attracted to these people.

So I spent the better part of my late teens and early twenties learning to dodge and get out of awkward situations with people who, even when asked point blank if they thought of our hangout as a date and said no, but then must’ve changed their minds because bam! They were trying to kiss me — or worse — when we went to say goodbye.

“Thanks But No Thanks”

Slipping out of awkward situations without hurting feelings was a skill I had to learn quickly, especially since this happened with colleagues, friends, and others I would have to spend time with in the future. And I’m pretty blunt, so I had to learn nuances of being gracious but firm. “Thanks but no thanks.”

Even still, I went through a period where I lost many friends and acquaintances because not everyone takes rejection well, even when I thought it was clear that going to the same theater, arriving separately, buying our own tickets, and sitting with two other acquaintances between us didn’t constitute a date. And yet I had to fight off him getting handsy when we went to say goodbye.

Why??

Who Has PTSD from Accidental Dates?

Even now, many years later, I’m still wary when a new person asks me to meet for a coffee or to attend an event with them.

My best friend laughs at me because I worry about this more than anyone else I know.

I’ve met up with two younger male colleagues in the last few months and was so relieved when they started talking about their interest in men. Thank goodness for the gays, I say!

Please no more accidental dates!

It’s Gotten Better, But It Still Happens on Occasion

I know I should be flattered to have people interested in me, but after losing so many friends over it, I just find it annoying.

Photo of buttons, which I wish everyone would wear to show their intentions. Photo by chuttersnap on Unsplash

I wish everyone wore buttons showing their intentions. It’d make things so much easier.

If they’re hanging out with someone, they could just wear or put on a button that says, “I like you.” Then the other person could put on their button, “I don’t like you that way.” And then the conversation could continue in its normal way, and no one needs to feel bad. They’d just know that their buttons don’t match. And that’s OK.

I know nothing like that will ever happen. And I learned ways to navigate around the awkward moments, usually with me joking things like: “I don’t believe in sex before marriage.” (wait a beat) “And I also don’t believe in marriage.” I didn’t want to leave any doors open because goodness knows some will keep trying.

And after years of accidental dates, I just want some non-sneaky dates. Which, sometimes I wonder if that’s too much to ask.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

But sometimes it’s damned funny when you’re not even dating.

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