The Abyss of Nothingness

Summary

The text is a reflective piece exploring the author's struggle with self-doubt, cognitive impediments, and the tendency to make poor decisions despite knowing the consequences.

Abstract

The author delves into the depths of their internal conflict, expressing difficulty in overcoming cognitive challenges due to a harsh environment that dismisses such struggles. They liken their experience to physical paralysis, feeling unable to change their circumstances despite awareness of their detrimental patterns. The poem paints a vivid picture of a mental abyss, where the author feels they are drowning in darkness, unable to resist the pull of poor choices, much like a child repeatedly touching a hot stove. Despite the recognition of their self-destructive behavior, the author grapples with an inability to break free from the cycle of making bad decisions, akin to a gambler's high when placing risky bets, leading to a sense of being pulled into nothingness. The piece concludes with the author contemplating whether they are indeed weak, as suggested by others, and expressing gratitude for the opportunity to share their thoughts in the publication.

Opinions

The author feels unsupported in dealing with cognitive challenges, facing criticism instead of understanding.
They believe that their analytical nature makes them a good advisor but does not aid in their personal decision-making.
The author acknowledges a pattern of making poor decisions, likening it to self-inflicted pain, and recognizes the futility in repeating these actions.
There is a sense of resignation to being easily fooled or taken advantage of, despite foreseeing the outcome.
The author draws a parallel between their behavior and gambling, suggesting a similarity in the thrill of taking risks despite knowing the potential for loss.
The text conveys a deep internal struggle, where the author feels trapped by their own actions and unable to escape the cycle of self-destructive behavior.

A poem

I have a problem I can’t seem to wrap my head around Perhaps it’s a disability, I could be paralyzed Even if I was, to be honest, I would not know. I come from a place where cognitive impediments are not entertained It is always, Try harder, why are you being stupid You are not serious enough, you must be dumb You can’t even talk, why do you stutter so much You are weak, you must be Why can’t you be strong, you are a man… And other words that state, it is all your fault.

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning Like I am scared to breathe The air dissipates The light starts to fades Darkness edges closer I can’t resist the urge I yearn for oxygen My mouth opens up And I take my final breadth Heavy currents fill my lungs.

I think quite a lot, analyze a bit too much A million different scenarios, dance around in my mind From worst to best-case, and many others in-between This makes me a good advisor, presenting facts is fairly easy But decision-making, I’m none the wiser.

I know better but I just can’t help it I have a tendency to make bad decisions Even when I know the outcome. It is like a child that touches a hot stove Gets burnt, then comes back to do it again Knowing he would feel similar pain And each time he gets burnt, the pain does not lessen It is actually much greater For he cannot understand why he returns The burns he does not like Yet, he cannot help himself.

Fool me once, yes, you probably can Fool me twice, I’ll most likely see it coming Yet, you will still be successful Fool me a third time, now you’re just a bully For you know I will yield again.

I do not know why I am like this I am not a gambler, and perhaps thankfully so But I imagine, it is a similar sort of euphoria. When you place a heavy bet, and loose a lot of money Instead of licking your wounds and counting your losses You go double or nothing Inevitably magnifying your doom.

A doom that is like a deep dive Into a pitch black abyss, Depths that are never-ending It is like being sucked into nothingness A pull you can’t resist You know better but you cannot fight.

Maybe I am not paralyzed The old folk might be right And perhaps I am just weak.

Thank you for reading and thanks to the ScienceDuuude for welcoming me to this wonderful publication.