The ABCs of Narcissism 5: the C’s Part 3
Cognitive Dissonance and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)
Hello! There’s so much to learn about narcissism that, for the moment you finally work out you’ve been a target, victimised and gaslit all this time, I’ve put together a quick reference glossary over a series of articles under each letter of the alphabet to help you understand and begin recovery.
C is also for:
Cognitive Dissonance
I first came across the phenomenon of Cognitive Dissonance watching the film, about the film director Ed Wood. He made the worst horror pics ever and when his crew tried to suggest changing the God awful script, his celebrated reply was “What do you know? Haven’t you heard of suspension of disbelief?”
Years later it slowly dawned on me that was the story of my entire marriage from first date pulling me in with sad stories of a lifetime of rejection, to seeing him on the floor, my brother trying not to choke the life out of him before he was hauled off by the police for trying to set us all on fire, which he later reframed as a trap we’d set him. He’d already been carted away earlier that evening for domestic violence but had returned to the house of his own volition to ‘finish the job’. Yet he still managed to make me feel guilty, and question the events. If my brother and son hadn’t been there to make statements to the police, this powerful phenomenon may well have squiffed my vision again and who knows if I’d be here now.
Cognitive means connected with thinking or conscious mental processes. Dissonance means a lack of harmony. Cognitive Dissonance describes the psychological conflict, mental distress, resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously.
When our thoughts, feelings and actions are in dissonance, we have to choose one and stick with it in order to make our life work and to carry on. Everybody has at some time experienced cognitive dissonance, at a magic show or in the theatre or when we’re taken in by salesmen and con artists who at first sight we distrusted, but somehow dismissed that impression later in the encounter, buying into the compelling illusion they create by tapping into our deepest fears, greed or hope in a hopeless situation where the alternative is too awful to contemplate.
In order to justify the actions we take as a result, we change the thought.
Of course he’s not shacked up with her on the weekends he’s away working, because that would mean he doesn’t love me, and that can’t be because he’s done all this for us. That’s not actions of a loving man so you’re wrong! (I can’t cope with believing I’m not loved/lovable/that this isn’t the first time/questioning all the times we’ve been together/can’t face the row/it’s pointless I never win/this will be another example of how ‘crazy I am’ for him to throw in my face etc…
Many, many times during my marriage, I saw something but dismissed what I saw and replaced the thought with what I’d been told I saw, once he’d explained it to me over and over again, as it made sense that it couldn’t possibly be what I thought I saw and besides I had been taught from the beginning to question any feelings I might have as deeply suspect and the result of an overactive imagination and questionable ability to recollect facts, damaged goods as I already was. That’s your family that is. See? Made you crazy… Isolation Technique. Good thing I rescued you. Stick with me, I’ll show you real love. You and me against the world babes… Hero narrative — how can one question his motives?
Over time I stopped needing to be told what to think from habit-forming/grooming/conditioning steeped in the corrosive acid of dangerous consequences. If I were to recognise that he was cheating or stealing or that his actions meant he really, truthfully didn’t, couldn’t love or care for us, I might be forced by my nature to do something about it which would put us all in grave danger, unable as I was to stand up to him. It was just so much easier to go along with and believe his version of events. Especially when he was so suddenly charming at the moment of being caught and then days later acting as if nothing had happened whatsoever and gaslighting me into questioning my sanity with a constant drip-feed of twisted memories, accusations, name-calling and emotional battery. Remember Brainwashing?
In an abusive relationship, the victim has undergone this brainwashing-turned-self delusion so frequently that it becomes second nature. The very real possibilities slapping them square in the face really do seem far-fetched, ridiculous and could never form part of their world with their master.
This is why, as recovering survivors, it is always useful to keep your deal-breakers at the forefront of your mind when entering any kind of new relationship as the programming will take time and great will and self-care to overcome. You may not see toxicity brewing up.
If you are feeling any uncomfortable feelings you can’t quite put your finger on, ask yourself whether:
- You would advise a child, student, friend or loved one to ‘put up with it’.
- Would a strong character you know put up with it?
- Am I able to talk about this behaviour freely and openly? Or am I hiding/minimising/making excuses for it?
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)
I’ve just realised why I’ve been stuck on this series at just this place for a long while now. Because that’s what C-PTSD does to you. It makes you act out strangely and against your better nature. It can make you avoid talking or thinking about the event(s) or avoid people or places that bring back memories of it.
A person suffering from C-PTSD will experience many of the same symptoms as someone with PTSD. However because in an abusive relationship, there is never one major event like a car crash that triggers flashbacks, that you can go to a therapist and deal with quite clearly, it can be hard to diagnose. In fact, it’s not in the DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health) which makes it more difficult for a well-meaning therapist to spot.
It is complex because it will be from abusive conditioning over many years, maybe a lifetime and it can be almost impossible to pinpoint the exact traumatic event of the many repeated incidents both major and minor, that is causing the sufferer to act out in the following ways:
- Flashbacks/Nightmares/Triggers — sights/smells/sounds — that bring on intense emotional distress. Reliving or re-experiencing the events and feeling the same fear and horror as you did originally.
I find this, coming across similar, sometimes innocuous events and hearing in my head my various abusers’ words oft-repeated. I would say that it doesn’t even have to have been felt as horror, or damage, at the time of the original abuse because it was normalised. It can grow more horrific over time as we get used to a normal, standard way of life away from the abuser. I can’t sit in a restaurant and hear someone talking to someone else in the same tone or way without getting extremely upset and feeling the need to punch them and rescue their victim. Other people with me have no idea why that behaviour is causing such a reaction in me and think I’m just super sensitive and prickly. This is why I never express any of these feelings at the time unless it’s to my dearest love who puts up with a lot of craziness from as me as we heal together. Even writing about this at this moment is causing me to tear up, years after my escape, and he has had to comfort me.
2. As discussed, avoiding situations that remind you or may open you up to reexperiencing the trauma, such as meeting new people or visiting family/loved ones/friends.
- You may feel the need to keep yourself busy the whole time to avoid remembering or thinking about it.
- You may run from people who share the looks of your tormentor.
- You may numb yourself through addictions/overeating/oversleeping. All of these are symptoms that can be masked as other major issues and may not receive the targeted therapy required to get to their root.
3. You may develop unhealthy and unhelpful negative attitudes towards yourself and the people and world around you. When I get issues with technology, it takes no time at all for me to melt into really painful sobs and hysterical declarations of how useless I am, just like my mother used to tell me.
4. You may develop generalized anxiety, social anxiety, hyper-alertness or hypervigilance, such as the person at the party who cannot just relax and enjoy the evening because there’s someone on the other side of the room who’s going to spill their drink if they’re not careful! My ex had what I call OCD by proxy. Nothing could ever be out of place or he’d have a meltdown, but it wasn’t ever him who cleaned or tidied or picked up ever, it was just a control technique to keep me exhausted. Even knowing this now, very well well, seven years later, I love parties in theory but can’t relax. I am the classic collector of glasses and washer upper who prefers to stay in the kitchen washing up, where I argue that all the best conversations take place (once you’ve given up being a smoker!). I was drying my hair this morning when my love walked in and I screamed the place down because I hadn’t heard him approach. I don’t think it will ever leave me!
These episodes that recur can be totally out of character and may make you feel or those around feel that you are unstable. You are not, you are merely damaged and with patience, understanding, tolerance and consistent behaviour from those you choose to surround yourself with, you will improve every day.
Which brings me onto our next article: Covert Passive Aggression, Crazy-Making, Crumbs and the Cycle of Narcissitic Abuse.
Please note this is a glossary of terms with the briefest of explanations as a very rudimentary introduction to aspects of narcissism for victims who may be trying to understand how they may have been gaslit. They are general and include all possibilities. Their purpose is not to diagnose or label abusers but to help you recognise and give you the current shorthand for destructive patterns, manipulative behaviour and negative personality traits so that you can discuss and put your particular encounter with narcissism down to experience and move on better educated.
If you recognise these traits in your relationships with your partner, family members or work colleagues, please understand that a narcissist will not change or seek therapy. Non-engagement is always the best strategy if you can manage it. Leave or find support to safely manage your exit if you can.
You and your loved ones do not deserve to waste another moment in their corrosive company.
Coming soon — The ABCs of Narcissism 6: the C’s Part 3
Covert Passive Aggression, Crazy-Making, Crumbs, and the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse.
To start our series The ABCs of Narcissism 1: the A’s
Click here:
References and further reading:
Start Here, and Out of the Fog, by Dana Morningstar.
Coercive Control, by Evan Stark
Invisible Chains, by Lisa Aronson Fontes
The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist, by Debbie Mirza
How to Kill a Narcissist, by JH Simon
Boundaries after a Pathological Relationship, by Adelyn Birch