The ABCs of Narcissism 1: the A’s
Abuse by Proxy, Anticipation, Antisocial Personality Disorder and Apology
Hello! There’s so much to learn about narcissism that, for the moment you finally work out you’ve been a target, victimised and gaslit all this time, I’ve put together a quick reference glossary over a series of articles under each letter of the alphabet to help you understand and begin recovery.
Please note this is a glossary of terms with the briefest of explanations as a very rudimentary introduction to aspects of narcissism for victims who may be trying to understand how they may have been gaslit. They are general and include all possibilities. Their purpose is not to diagnose or label abusers but to help you recognise and give you the current shorthand for destructive patterns, manipulative behaviour and negative personality traits so that you can discuss and put your particular encounter with narcissism down to experience and move on better educated.
A is for:
Abuse by proxy
If the narcissist has failed to isolate you completely they will recruit your friends, colleagues, church, therapist etc. even the law, to underpin and continue their campaign of abuse. These other, new victims, often referred to as ‘flying monkeys’ are most often unaware of the manipulation, convinced by their narrative that the narcissist is in fact a victim of your abusive behaviour. Often they are fresh targets unknowingly lined up for future feasts. Their behaviour towards you serves to destroy your confidence and drive you back into the narcissist’s lair.
Anticipation
This is the most useful skill you will ever develop on your path to recovery. So far you have been responding to the narcissist’s abusive behaviour which has kept you in reaction mode. In this emotional frame of mind, you cannot see clearly their tactics, you’re too confused and busy appeasing, apologising and reeling from the hurt. You lose control of the situation. This is the cage they like to keep you in. The key to the door of the cage is understanding that none of those reactions will ever satisfy the narcissist long term, this latest episode is just a snack on the diet of hurt they’ve put you on. It will be time to feed on your emotions again soon. You know by now the kind of tactics they will use next. Anticipate this and prepare. If you have recognised the narcissist for what they are and are able to abandon them, do so immediately for your health and well-being. If you are not able to do this yet, then practise anticipation and appropriate response. They need to feed off your emotional reaction, so don’t provide it. Have a cool and calm response ready and stick to it. This will not be the end. They will up their game and you will have to as well, but what a wonderful education you will receive, better than sudoku! And that is why we are here, to learn to overcome challenges, not to learn to be somebody’s victim. They will never change but hopefully, they will just move on to fresh hunting grounds but only if you are resolute. Any chink in your armour will be regarded as an invitation back to the dining table…
Antisocial Personality Disorder
Narcissists may be diagnosed as either psychopaths or sociopaths under the umbrella of ASPD. If this is the case, no amount of explaining how their behaviour hurts you will ever result in them changing. Your efforts are just a delicious ‘look at all this attention I’m getting’ ego snack. The sooner you give up and leave, the better. They will never seek therapy because their life works for them. They do not have the capacity for remorse or empathy for you to reach out to, although the consummate charmers may fool you into believing they do. As far as they’re concerned, rules are for other people.
They will never respect you or what you routinely sacrifice to feed them so why continue?
You may never benefit from seeing an accurate diagnosis of a personality disorder for your tormentor in order for you to understand them accurately. If someone has a skin rash, and they realise and accept that they have one, and it’s a problem for them and they want help and are in the mind to actively seek treatment for it, then they may well present it to a health professional to investigate who may be able to make recommendations based on what they are allowed to see and information forthcoming from a willing and motivated patient, sincerely accurate and honest to the best of the sufferer’s abilities.
The Narc is perfectly happy with the state of affairs he/she has created. It’s working really well for them so you won’t find them in the therapist’s chair. They are not burdened with self-awareness or concern for the welfare of their supply. If they are forced into therapy of any kind it will be against their will, or as part of a more sophisticated manipulation of their target, appearing to be willing to cooperate to better control the situation or as a ruse to gain information from a therapist about how better to disguise their behaviour or cause even greater distress to their target. They are unlikely ever to submit to effective analysis for your benefit.
When we, as victims, are trying to understand people who exhibit components of the “Dark Triad” (refers to a trio of negative personality traits — narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy which share some common malevolent features) any potential diagnosis we come up with is likely to be very blurred as it will be anecdotal, third party, after the fact and produced by victims (also referred to as their ‘supply’ or ‘target’) who have been deliberately kept in a state of confusion.
Best to just move on and focus only on YOUR recovery.
Apology
When is an apology really an apology? When the offender takes massive action to understand and repair the damage they have done you. Otherwise, it’s just more manipulation. They must be willing to discuss their actions without denial of the facts, screaming or apportioning blame to others. It certainly doesn’t involve making you apologise first for “making” them behave that way or for some random list of past events brought up as a lame excuse and new opportunity to torture you, throw you off balance to get you back in that emotional cage so you don’t realise they’re doing that behaviour again.
Click here to continue:
References and further reading:
Start Here, and Out of the Fog, by Dana Morningstar.
Coercive Control, by Evan Stark
Invisible Chains, by Lisa Aronson Fontes
The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist, by Debbie Mirza
How to Kill a Narcissist, by JH Simon
Boundaries after a Pathological Relationship, by Adelyn Birch
