Humor
The A to OMG Guide to School Mums For First-Time Parents
Choosing the right Mum friends can make or break your school social life
If you don’t know any other parents when your little love bucket starts school, then you’ll be excited to make some new friends after years of spotty adult contact.
However, this process isn’t as easy as you might think.
Your people are out there, but you might not find them immediately. You might make friends with the wrong Mums.
Let’s take a look at some of the personality types you’re likely to meet.
The Alpha Mum
The Alpha Mum sets herself up as the Queen of the class. She rules a small group of Mums who are desperately pleased to be in her gang even though it’s not a fun experience.
This Mum rules her minions with a rod of ego. Her gang members are there to worship her, run her errands and do the dirty jobs at her child’s birthday parties.
Every now and then she ostracises one of her Mums for no real reason. Maybe they gave her a lukewarm flappycrappymulemilkcappucino and forgot to add sprinkles. Maybe they came bottom on a sucking-up test.
It doesn’t really matter. One Mum has to be banished periodically so that she can flex her absolute power and keep everyone else in line.
If you want to get an Alpha’s attention, then ignore her. If you show no interest in her, she’ll assume you have a value.
But, seriously, why would you want to play with a woman who rules her friendship group like Stalin ran his Politburo?
The Been-There-Done-That Mum
Some of the Mums in your class will have older kids. These Mums are great to get to know.
They generally don’t give a crap. They’ve been there, seen it and done it. Nothing phases them. They can tell you when to panic and when not to sweat the small stuff.
Making friends with one of these Mums makes your transition into school life a lot easier. It’s like having your own Mum on site to give you advice, reassurance and help.
Except this Mum won’t judge your child-rearing skills or try to adopt your kid because you’re a bad parent. She won’t criticise the fact that you can barely get dressed for the school run and have a freezer full of chicken nuggets.
She’s the ultimate fantasy Mum. If she has a place for you in her already-formed friendship group, grab it.
The Clingy Mum
You might assume that your anxiety about your little love bucket’s first day at school is down to a worry that they won’t make friends.
Wrong.
You’re actually worried because you think you won’t make grown-up friends. Your kid will be fine.
New Mums often make a basic error here. They find a Mum — any Mum — who looks as desperate behind the eyes as they do. You cleave together like long-lost twins.
You’ve probably done this before. Think back to when you first went to university or started your first job. You bonded heavily with one of your flatmates or co-workers. You were going to be best friends for life.
Chances are, you both forgot each other’s names in weeks once you found your real people. But, sometimes, this breakup isn’t mutual. This can be a playground problem if you make an early bond with a Clingy Mum.
Clingy Mums think you are their people. They don’t want to lose you but don’t want to share you. So, you can’t assimilate them into later friendship groups. They want you all to themselves and get snippy if you do anything without them.
Most of the time you have to make a hard break. You’ll feel bad. It’s a bit like kicking a puppy. But, if you don’t do it, you can kiss your social life goodbye. You’ll be stuck with a wet dishcloth of a friend for years.
The Over-Sensitive Mum
The Over-Sensitive Mum seems normal at first. As time passes, she will often start to over-focus on how people treat her child.
She’ll grumble if her kid doesn’t get enough reward stickers or class awards. She’ll actively complain if they don’t get suitably large parts in school plays or aren’t picked for sports teams.
You can live with this. But, she will implode if you slight her child in any way.
One of my first Mum friends turned out to be this way. We got on well until I didn’t invite her son to my son’s birthday party. The boys weren’t getting along, and my son firmly said that he didn’t want him there.
I gave her a quiet heads-up. I knew she knew that our boys were fighting all the time. She knew we were having a small party with only a few kids. Her son wasn’t the only one in the class who wouldn’t get an invite.
No big deal huh? We’re both adults.
She literally did not speak to me for the rest of the school year. She blanked me for months. When her son’s birthday came along, she invited every single boy in the class apart from my son.
You’re going to go through years of angst later when your love bucket turns into a brooding teenager with the ability to hold a grudge over the fact you looked at them the wrong way. You don’t need to go through this yet.
The Take-But-Don’t Give Mum
School Mums use each other — in a good way, of course. You alternate play dates after school. If you do a school run for a Mum who’s sick or stuck at work, then you bank a favour.
The Take-But-Don’t-Give Mum doesn’t do reciprocity. She’ll leach favours out of you without ever giving one back. If you get run over by a bus and have just enough life left to text her to ask her to pick up your kid from school, she’ll be too busy.
This Mum is a manipulation ninja. She’ll have you doing stuff you didn’t want to do in the bat of an eyelid. The more things you do, the more liberties she’ll take.
The only way to make her stop is to refuse any and all of her requests. The first word that should fall out of your mouth when she approaches is no. She’ll get bored if you stop giving and find someone else to take from.
The Toxic Mum
Some Mums see the good in everything. These happy-clappy women might drive you a little crazy. However, they are a much better option than a Toxic Mum.
Toxic Mums are hyper-critical about everything and everyone. They’ll soon have you hating the school and its staff. They’ll make sly comments about you, your child and your parenting skills. They could pick a fight with an empty paper bag.
They also gossip. They’ll fill your head with negative stories about other Mums.
If you make the mistake of confiding in them or saying something even a weeny bit negative about another Mum, then they’ll spread what you said across the playground faster than a nappyless toddler can poo on the carpet before you can get them to the toilet.
The Uber-Organised Mum
I wasn’t a terribly organised Mum. My daily aim was just to get my child to school on time in a relatively clean uniform and not to be late for pick-up. If his hair didn’t look like he’d been dragged through a bush backward and his nose was free from snot, then I ruled the day.
Every class has an Uber-Organised Mum. Her standards are much higher, and she aces everything effortlessly. She knows exactly what is going on at any given time and never forgets anything.
While these Mums are generally lovely, they make you feel inadequate. It’s soul-destroying to be around someone who is perennially perfect.
Plus, this Mum might steal the heart and mind of your child. If your child is invited to tea at her house, then they’ll come home full of the great activities they did. These Mums bake, they make cool stuff, they even — whisper it — encourage kids to play with glitter.
For a while, your child will wistfully ask why you don’t do the things that this Mum does. Eventually, you’ll see some love-light die in their eyes as they realise that you are basically just a bit incompetent.
Don’t sweat it, they’d have worked this out at some point.
Be friends with this Mum anyway. They’ll help you cover up your slack-Mum moments.
And the OMG Mum? She’s the keeper.
She’ll be a true friend who’ll make this next stage of your kid’s life — and yours — so much better. She can be harder to find than a last-minute babysitter but she’s just as worth hanging on to.
