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Abstract

breast cups. Don’t get me wrong. Highlighting her stunning décolletage is a great idea, and she looks radiant. But the shape of the pasties gives me anxiety for some reason. Ariana DeBose got talked into them too. I bet she was pissed when she saw that Ross came wearing the same red pasties.Wesley Snipes decided to come to the event as a purple leprechaun for some reason. I generally dig the dandy look that a lot of men, especially men of color, are sporting these days, but I wish that he had had the guts to wear a skirt instead of shorts. Billy Porter would have.Jason Momoa is giving upscale, L.A. lounge bouncer vibes. Boy, talk about understanding your demographic.Jamie Lee Curtis, apparently sick of being the poster child for older women’s body acceptance, has decided to remind everyone that she actually has a one-in-a-million, smokin’ hot bod.Rosie Perez is wearing what I dreamed of wearing to the Oscars in, like, 1990.Reba McEntire heard that some of the others were doing the “70s-80s Vegas Act” look and said, “Hold my beer.” Shoulder pads, bitches. Y’all forgot the shoulder pads. But don’t worry: she’s got you covered. Also, I want her make-up artist’s number.Elliot Page didn’t have time for anything fancy, because he is too busy having a bone-structure contest with Chalamet.Becky G told her stylist that she wanted a dress with pockets, and apparently they pictured giant ass barnacles. The look is saved by her stunning make-up though, or maybe that’s just her face.This is me scanning Jessica Chastain’s look from head to toe: Wow, wow, wow, omg, beautiful, stunning, what-the-actual-fuck-is-that?! (Girl, get that skirt hemmed, STAT. Claim the Mandela Effect when people say they saw you with Barbie pompoms on your skirt.)Jane Campion heard about the “70s-80s Vegas Act” theme and said, “Fuck off. I came to win, bitches, and I’m not doing it dressed like Xanadu-era Olivia Newton-John. She chose to wear an intimidating, black bag instead just in case Sam Elliott wants to mouth off again about gay cowboys.Nicole Kidman isn’t fucking with the “70s-80s Vegas Act” theme either. Both she and Campion know that they’d never live it down when they got home Down Under.Aussies and Kiwis have nothing on the Irish when it comes to taking the piss though, so Jamie Dornan — not wanting to be greeted as “Tom Jones” for the rest of

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his natural life — also came sparkle-free.Amy Schumer understood that sparkles were encouraged tonight, but she felt like being ironic about it to make sure that we remember that she’s funny.David Oyelowo went full 70s Chesterfield, so he clearly wins. Also, I’m pretty sure that I saw a rich lady in those bee slippers on a flight to L.A. earlier this month.I don’t know who Diane Guerrero is, but for a second I thought she was carrying a watering can as a purse, and I was genuinely excited. Make this happen, fashionistas.Kodi Smit-McPhee. Okay, bear with me. I actually think this is a spectacular iteration of the “70s-80s Vegas Act” theme. We all remember the powder-blue tuxes. This is absolutely legit. And what are those? Sparkly platforms? I mean, that is commitment. Also, his tailor is a boss.Olivia Colman’s dress is giving major “Diana Ross” vibes, and her make-up artist — like everyone else’s tonight — was not fucking around. I’m so used to seeing Colman play frowzy, Oscar-bait characters that I forget that she actually looks like a frickin’ princess in real life.Maggie Gyllenhaal is trying to blend in with the architecture with this look, I think. I get it, girl. I do that too. Tall chicks unite! Look, I know Campion got a Best Director nom and you didn’t, but can she reach the box of Cheerios wayyyyy back there on the top shelf of the grocery store without your help? Not fucking likely. Also, The Lost Daughter killed it. Be patient, my babe.Daniel Kaluuya got word about the “70s-80s Vegas Act” theme, but it feels a bit like he’s phoning it in. I mean, did you see what he wore to the BAFTAs? He remembers your bullshit, Academy. No fuzzy, blue Prada for you.Zoë Kravitz is also completely sick of your shit, Academy, so she’s just going to channel Gwyneth Paltrow’s 1999 Oscar outfit tonight, but — you know — if it actually fit.Rita Moreno got the memo about the “70s-80s Vegas Act” theme and told everyone to sit the fuck down (including you, McEntire). This woman is literally 90 years-old, but she still looks like one of those terrifying Bikram yoga instructors you run into on every block in Silverlake. I met Moreno once. None of us will ever look as good as Rita Moreno.Good luck to all the nominees! May you never regret your choice to accept your Oscar dressed as Wayne Newton because Tom Ford told you that you looked hot like that.</article></body>

The 94th Academy Awards’ Style Inspiration: That Expensive Cruise Your Parents Took in ‘80

Sarajlijo, CC BY-SA 4.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0>, via Wikimedia Commons

Good day, semi-interested Academy Awards viewers! Welcome to my shamelessly amateur, off-the-cuff hot take on the Oscars’ most interesting red carpet looks this year.

Obviously, I’ll be sued to oblivion if I actually include photos of the night’s red carpet looks here, so please reference Allie Hayes’s Buzzfeed article for all of the expensive Getty images hot off the presses.

Let’s start with “it girl” Zendaya. The cut-off shirt looks like one of those tux bibs without the tux. It’s very Jennifer Beals-about-to-play-footsies/ballsies-at-dinner-in-Flashdance. I should probably have a problem with this look, but I don’t. Honestly, Zendaya could show up in a trash bag and look fantastic.

Timothée Chalamet is also missing some fabric. Who’s going to tell him that Shawn Mendes already wore this look to the Met Gala? Sorry, Timothée. You’re cute, and I’ll always love your turn as Elio, but Shawn is from Pickering, Ontario, so that’s an automatic KO. (The black lace and the Chelsea boots are nice touches though, and the sequins are in line with the “70s-80s Vegas Act” theme of the night that everyone’s insisting on, so you clearly know how to take direction.)

Inevitably, someone can’t resist cosplaying Oscar at the Oscars. Tonight, it’s Lupita Nyong’o. This is a decent iteration of the gag though, because Lupita’s beautiful head is on top. Like Chalamet, she gets bonus points for following the “70s-80s Vegas Act” theme too.

Andrew Garfield is giving me some Vincent Price vibes in his velvet/puff tie get up. I prefer Daniel Day Lewis’s 1990 take on the whole Byronic-hero look overall, but the tailoring is on point here, and I feel like men should be encouraged to live out their gothic-horror-villain fantasies whenever possible as long as it doesn’t involve calling me a “crazy ex-girlfriend” and sticking me in an insane asylum. Or, you know, murdering me.

Tracee Ellis Ross’s dress is on trend with the weird, pasties-inspired breast cups. Don’t get me wrong. Highlighting her stunning décolletage is a great idea, and she looks radiant. But the shape of the pasties gives me anxiety for some reason. Ariana DeBose got talked into them too. I bet she was pissed when she saw that Ross came wearing the same red pasties.

Wesley Snipes decided to come to the event as a purple leprechaun for some reason. I generally dig the dandy look that a lot of men, especially men of color, are sporting these days, but I wish that he had had the guts to wear a skirt instead of shorts. Billy Porter would have.

Jason Momoa is giving upscale, L.A. lounge bouncer vibes. Boy, talk about understanding your demographic.

Jamie Lee Curtis, apparently sick of being the poster child for older women’s body acceptance, has decided to remind everyone that she actually has a one-in-a-million, smokin’ hot bod.

Rosie Perez is wearing what I dreamed of wearing to the Oscars in, like, 1990.

Reba McEntire heard that some of the others were doing the “70s-80s Vegas Act” look and said, “Hold my beer.” Shoulder pads, bitches. Y’all forgot the shoulder pads. But don’t worry: she’s got you covered. Also, I want her make-up artist’s number.

Elliot Page didn’t have time for anything fancy, because he is too busy having a bone-structure contest with Chalamet.

Becky G told her stylist that she wanted a dress with pockets, and apparently they pictured giant ass barnacles. The look is saved by her stunning make-up though, or maybe that’s just her face.

This is me scanning Jessica Chastain’s look from head to toe: Wow, wow, wow, omg, beautiful, stunning, what-the-actual-fuck-is-that?! (Girl, get that skirt hemmed, STAT. Claim the Mandela Effect when people say they saw you with Barbie pompoms on your skirt.)

Jane Campion heard about the “70s-80s Vegas Act” theme and said, “Fuck off. I came to win, bitches, and I’m not doing it dressed like Xanadu-era Olivia Newton-John. She chose to wear an intimidating, black bag instead just in case Sam Elliott wants to mouth off again about gay cowboys.

Nicole Kidman isn’t fucking with the “70s-80s Vegas Act” theme either. Both she and Campion know that they’d never live it down when they got home Down Under.

Aussies and Kiwis have nothing on the Irish when it comes to taking the piss though, so Jamie Dornan — not wanting to be greeted as “Tom Jones” for the rest of his natural life — also came sparkle-free.

Amy Schumer understood that sparkles were encouraged tonight, but she felt like being ironic about it to make sure that we remember that she’s funny.

David Oyelowo went full 70s Chesterfield, so he clearly wins. Also, I’m pretty sure that I saw a rich lady in those bee slippers on a flight to L.A. earlier this month.

I don’t know who Diane Guerrero is, but for a second I thought she was carrying a watering can as a purse, and I was genuinely excited. Make this happen, fashionistas.

Kodi Smit-McPhee. Okay, bear with me. I actually think this is a spectacular iteration of the “70s-80s Vegas Act” theme. We all remember the powder-blue tuxes. This is absolutely legit. And what are those? Sparkly platforms? I mean, that is commitment. Also, his tailor is a boss.

Olivia Colman’s dress is giving major “Diana Ross” vibes, and her make-up artist — like everyone else’s tonight — was not fucking around. I’m so used to seeing Colman play frowzy, Oscar-bait characters that I forget that she actually looks like a frickin’ princess in real life.

Maggie Gyllenhaal is trying to blend in with the architecture with this look, I think. I get it, girl. I do that too. Tall chicks unite! Look, I know Campion got a Best Director nom and you didn’t, but can she reach the box of Cheerios wayyyyy back there on the top shelf of the grocery store without your help? Not fucking likely. Also, The Lost Daughter killed it. Be patient, my babe.

Daniel Kaluuya got word about the “70s-80s Vegas Act” theme, but it feels a bit like he’s phoning it in. I mean, did you see what he wore to the BAFTAs? He remembers your bullshit, Academy. No fuzzy, blue Prada for you.

Zoë Kravitz is also completely sick of your shit, Academy, so she’s just going to channel Gwyneth Paltrow’s 1999 Oscar outfit tonight, but — you know — if it actually fit.

Rita Moreno got the memo about the “70s-80s Vegas Act” theme and told everyone to sit the fuck down (including you, McEntire). This woman is literally 90 years-old, but she still looks like one of those terrifying Bikram yoga instructors you run into on every block in Silverlake. I met Moreno once. None of us will ever look as good as Rita Moreno.

Good luck to all the nominees! May you never regret your choice to accept your Oscar dressed as Wayne Newton because Tom Ford told you that you looked hot like that.