The 90/10 Rule For Happy Living

Dealing with life’s unexpected twists and turns

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” ―Charles R. Swindoll

I’m sure you’ve heard it before, and if you haven’t I’m sure you’ve heard variations of it. If you’ve actually truthfully never heard this saying before, well, my friend, you’re probably living under a rock.

Let me liberate you. Come on out, the air is nice and clean above the surface.

Quoted by supportive moms, there-for-you friends, and reminding (perhaps lecturing) spouses. It’s the iconic dad’s white NewBalance shoe of comfort and correction. It’s been the anchor for many motivational rants on perspective and episodic circumstance, and it’s been around a long time.

I have a special fondness for the above quote. It was one of the first bits of advice my wife ever gave me. Do you know how some people have a mantra they live by? A catchphrase whose association is as iconic as the one who speaks it? You know, like every cereal box character ever.

Like Forrest Gump’s “Life is like a box of chocolates…”

The 90/10 rule is my wife’s, and I will always love her for that. Back before I knew it in the quote, I knew it from her.

Now — are you ready for some math?

Wait, what?! MATH? Are you serious?

Yep. Grab your fig newtons and listen up.

Newton’s 3rd Law of Motion

Newton’s Third Law of Motion, in its most qualitative form, states that “for every action, there must be an equal and opposite reaction.” Although typically applied to coupled force systems, momentum, and energy equations, the modern non-math world has dubbed this the law of cause and effect. I can hear STEM degrees everywhere churning over this gross oversimplification.

But there it is.

And I’m here to squash it.

Please forgive me, Mr. Newton, you’re wrong.

Cause and effect are perfectly at home in the world of physics. Happy to help scientists understand the universe and programmers to master ray-tracing. Cause and effect does their job. And it does it well. But that’s where it should stay.

When it comes to the world of mental and emotional health, cause and effect is a cop-out — an excuse. It’s a sly subtle move for shifting accountability and justifying misplaced ownership of the outcome. But let's understand why.

The 10%

This is where our good friend, Chuck, comes in. See, cause and effect imply equal response; that causation has power over overreaction, and that reaction is merely a consequence of provocation.

We exist but as reactionary forces to external stimuli and any behavior resulting from that stimuli are justifiable if the response is relative in magnitude and in form, to the stimuli — Yeesh, that was a run-on if I’ve ever seen one. But science doesn’t care about syntax. No — science only cares about sources and origins, causes, and outcomes.

Yeah — not buying it. Well, err, wait… not the physics. The physics is sound, I buy that.

Science = Good.

But the human application? Yeah that, not buying that. Because it’s hot garbage.

The key here is in understanding one important idea: 100% of the physical world, all of the stuff that goes on around us, all of the good the bad, the magic and tragic, all of the possible outcomes and little perturbations, all of the deep complex relational interactions.

Yeah, all of that? That’s just 10%. That is 1/10th of life. It is small — and mostly inconsequential.

And you know why?

Because life is 90% how you react to it. 90%! That is a substantial claim. Let’s unpack it.

The 90%

90%. That’s a lot. Really. If you can make a claim with 90% confidence, you’re way ahead of science. You just don’t see that kind of statistical backing.

Unless you’re talking to your spouse who is 100% sure they put that one thing in that one spot but now can’t find it.

Anyway, the idea behind this claim is that although we may not be able to control much of what goes on around us, we have full unobstructed control over ourselves.

You may be aware of what's called the locus of control. This is a sort of self-administered litmus test to gauge how strongly you believe you have control over the situations and experiences that affect your life.

In other words, do your actions and behaviors lead to the overall happiness or hopelessness that you feel? Is it your own doing, or is it the fault of some other agent?

Do you own your path through life, are you paving your own journey? Or does life just… happen?

Final Thoughts

No one, not a single person, not any entity, institution, or power has the ability to control your happiness.

Viewing life this way allows us to flip-flop the cosmic power dynamic that governs us.

Certainly, life is not without its challenges and dark blots. Cancer, loss of life, miscarriages, terrible accidents, neglect, abuse, etc. You name it. Life is chock full of terrible dumpster-fire situations. I get it. I have a few of my own.

But those things do NOT control us. Nor do they define us.

Viewing life in this context empowers you to be happy. I mean really happy. Happy when you have no reason to be happy.

Bad things in life will happen. Allow yourself to feel it because emotion demands to be felt. Allow yourself to live it because experience is part of life.

But change your perspective. Understand that the only thing standing between you and a happier life — is yourself.

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Above all else — enjoy the journey,

Tony