Free AI web copilot to create summaries, insights and extended knowledge, download it at here

Abstract

ulated the average Sophomore co-ed is only taking in about 950 calories a day, 500 of which are supplied by Starbucks and the rest by alcohol.Your day always begins with coffee. Later you might grab a smoothie or if feeling lazy, down some orange juice. As the sun begins to cast shadows across the campus lawn, you’ll set out on the daily quest for alcohol, or a fifth cup of coffee if you are going through a fleeting sober phase.When darkness falls, you’ll be sipping on a cocktail most nights of the week, basking in the sweet warmth of an all-liquid diet.<h1 id="6163">3 / Veganism</h1>In your twenties, you’ll realize you look okay but the planet needs to be saved and it’s up to you.You’ll tell yourself you aren’t eating soy products and juicing most days for weight loss, but for health. Right, except you could afford to lose some of that lard you piled on living in Guatemala when you overate on avocados and mangoes, alarming your host family.This phase lasts until you get diagnosed with a chronic disease and/or make your first million as an influencer.After you discover you have an obscure and tragic autoimmune disease, you’ll chuck gluten out the window.If you manage to stay healthy, the Vegan phase will end one afternoon as you are lounging in someone’s backyard for a barbecue and you accidentally snarf down a plate of ribs and feel human again.<h1 id="e128">4 / SAD (Standard American Diet)</h1>You’ll revert to eating whatever the hell you feel like, after your doctor tells you the chronic illness you have is (1) common, (2) normal, (3) incurable, and (4) responsive to heavy drugs.You’ll eat fast food in your car, suck down milkshakes when you’re depressed, dress up hot dogs at ball games or Costco, and say hell yes to desserts and casseroles.You’ll try some half-assed version of portion control and fail. Your bathroom scale will become covered in cobwebs, then shoved under a piece of furniture.Your teen daughter will go vegetarian and you’ll smile at her, and mock her with nothing but love in your slowly deteriorating heart.<h1 id="4a5b">5 / Keto</h1>This is your only option. Vegetarianism is for tweens, veganism didn’t work and makes you feel ashamed you were ever 25, and SAD is causing you to admit you are now diabetic.Plus, at this point, you’ve put on 30 pounds and joke, in a sad way, about your dad bod — even if you are female.You cut carbs, eat fat like it’s candy, and watch a lot of youtube videos to learn biochemi

Options

stry. You vow to show your doctor he’s an idiot. After six weeks of steak with butter and bulletproof coffee, you feel like a new person and you have the labs to show it.Then one day you are assaulted by a ravishing blueberry muffin at Costco, where they grow ’em big and aggressive. It’s deliciously wet but also appropriately firm, slathered in butter and confidence.You try to return to a lunch of meat patty with liberally dressed salad, but your tryst with the muffin, like an illicit affair with a hooker, keeps invading your thoughts.You give yourself over and are back on pie and Mountain Dew.<h1 id="3276">6 / Carnivore</h1>This diet seems profoundly crazy at first, but you’re 52 with a beer gut the size of the average American car and you just want it all to stop.What could be easier than eating steak and burgers all day, maybe sprinkled with some pork rinds?They tell you to eat mostly fat, so you slather on the organic, grass-fed butter. They tell you bacon is a health food, so you down eight pieces at a sitting.Strangely, you feel better than any other diet — although the passionate muffin encounter still lingers in your dirty little mind — yet you must keep the pro-meat lifestyle under wraps.No one is going to understand shunning oatmeal, chowing down on suet, and the fact that your vision keeps improving and you’ve reversed your diabetes.Then the government takes away meat and replaces it with Beyond Burger and Soylent Green.<h1 id="4c1b">7 / Zombie Cannibalism</h1>The natural evolution from eating meat and organ meats, with the heavy focus on fat, when combined with government tyranny, sends you out into the streets for human brains.Most of us wouldn’t consider going Zombie, but when The Man steals our meat, we are left with no viable options.We sure as hell aren’t going back to vegan days, and thousands of trips to Costco have eroded all our natural hunting skills.So, we kill two birds with one stone and begin stalking the food scientists and their bureaucratic minions. They taste about the same as meat, maybe not as good as a fatty ribeye, but much cheaper and it’s the latest youtube dietary trend, so why not?Joe Rogan is doing it, and he’s got a podcast that explains the steps.Ultimately, you can’t argue with a diet that costs virtually nothing, provides a clean source of fuel, undermines capitalism, and sends a message loud and clear to all the vegans to just go F yourselves.</article></body>

Vegan to Carnivore in 30 Years

In which I toss compassion for all living things to the curb

At some point in life, you’ll realize your body is imperfect and begin a futile campaign to alter it so others will finally show you the respect you deserve.

Life is difficult and dieting is inevitable. Your passion for a beach-bod is normal, and thus you will pass through the stages. Your strong desire to stop hating yourself when you inadvertently glimpse your rapidly fattening posterior in the mirror isn’t weird, so relax and enjoy the ride.

Scientists have recently determined the seven stages of dieting that begin around the age of 13 and 1/2. Prior to that time, it’s called picky eating. This study, soon to be published in a major peer-reviewed journal, boils down to seven fundamental truths.

1 / Vegetarianism

You were expecting veganism to come first, weren’t you? But it takes a while to deplete the body of enough nutrients to thoroughly muddle the teenage brain sufficiently to get to the vegan stage. Also, you’ll need to graduate college first, where they’ll indoctrinate you in liberalism and plant-based fanaticsim.

Observers note that vegetarianism is the first crack at improving body image and becoming insufferably self-righteous. It happens mostly to teen girls, about a year after their love affair with horses fades away.

By the age of 14, you could be a lifelong pesco-ovo-lacto vegetarian who your parents ignore. They will toss some frozen veggies in with every meal and buy you Impossible Burger, while they patiently wait for you to grow the hell up— they have to, since they are stuck with you.

Later, you’ll get a chuckle out of your first misguided attempts at becoming someone else.

2 / Alcohol, coffee, and smoothies

This phase begins in college after you’ve put on your Freshman 15. You’ll turn to Bloody Mary’s or whatever the kids drink these days to stem the alarming tide of steady weight gain.

It will work wonders, and it’s an easy diet to maintain. If you want to take it to the next level, make your drink of choice single-malt scotch and begin rolling your own cigarettes.

Scientists calculated the average Sophomore co-ed is only taking in about 950 calories a day, 500 of which are supplied by Starbucks and the rest by alcohol.

Your day always begins with coffee. Later you might grab a smoothie or if feeling lazy, down some orange juice. As the sun begins to cast shadows across the campus lawn, you’ll set out on the daily quest for alcohol, or a fifth cup of coffee if you are going through a fleeting sober phase.

When darkness falls, you’ll be sipping on a cocktail most nights of the week, basking in the sweet warmth of an all-liquid diet.

3 / Veganism

In your twenties, you’ll realize you look okay but the planet needs to be saved and it’s up to you.

You’ll tell yourself you aren’t eating soy products and juicing most days for weight loss, but for health. Right, except you could afford to lose some of that lard you piled on living in Guatemala when you overate on avocados and mangoes, alarming your host family.

This phase lasts until you get diagnosed with a chronic disease and/or make your first million as an influencer.

After you discover you have an obscure and tragic autoimmune disease, you’ll chuck gluten out the window.

If you manage to stay healthy, the Vegan phase will end one afternoon as you are lounging in someone’s backyard for a barbecue and you accidentally snarf down a plate of ribs and feel human again.

4 / SAD (Standard American Diet)

You’ll revert to eating whatever the hell you feel like, after your doctor tells you the chronic illness you have is (1) common, (2) normal, (3) incurable, and (4) responsive to heavy drugs.

You’ll eat fast food in your car, suck down milkshakes when you’re depressed, dress up hot dogs at ball games or Costco, and say hell yes to desserts and casseroles.

You’ll try some half-assed version of portion control and fail. Your bathroom scale will become covered in cobwebs, then shoved under a piece of furniture.

Your teen daughter will go vegetarian and you’ll smile at her, and mock her with nothing but love in your slowly deteriorating heart.

5 / Keto

This is your only option. Vegetarianism is for tweens, veganism didn’t work and makes you feel ashamed you were ever 25, and SAD is causing you to admit you are now diabetic.

Plus, at this point, you’ve put on 30 pounds and joke, in a sad way, about your dad bod — even if you are female.

You cut carbs, eat fat like it’s candy, and watch a lot of youtube videos to learn biochemistry. You vow to show your doctor he’s an idiot. After six weeks of steak with butter and bulletproof coffee, you feel like a new person and you have the labs to show it.

Then one day you are assaulted by a ravishing blueberry muffin at Costco, where they grow ’em big and aggressive. It’s deliciously wet but also appropriately firm, slathered in butter and confidence.

You try to return to a lunch of meat patty with liberally dressed salad, but your tryst with the muffin, like an illicit affair with a hooker, keeps invading your thoughts.

You give yourself over and are back on pie and Mountain Dew.

6 / Carnivore

This diet seems profoundly crazy at first, but you’re 52 with a beer gut the size of the average American car and you just want it all to stop.

What could be easier than eating steak and burgers all day, maybe sprinkled with some pork rinds?

They tell you to eat mostly fat, so you slather on the organic, grass-fed butter. They tell you bacon is a health food, so you down eight pieces at a sitting.

Strangely, you feel better than any other diet — although the passionate muffin encounter still lingers in your dirty little mind — yet you must keep the pro-meat lifestyle under wraps.

No one is going to understand shunning oatmeal, chowing down on suet, and the fact that your vision keeps improving and you’ve reversed your diabetes.

Then the government takes away meat and replaces it with Beyond Burger and Soylent Green.

7 / Zombie Cannibalism

The natural evolution from eating meat and organ meats, with the heavy focus on fat, when combined with government tyranny, sends you out into the streets for human brains.

Most of us wouldn’t consider going Zombie, but when The Man steals our meat, we are left with no viable options.

We sure as hell aren’t going back to vegan days, and thousands of trips to Costco have eroded all our natural hunting skills.

So, we kill two birds with one stone and begin stalking the food scientists and their bureaucratic minions. They taste about the same as meat, maybe not as good as a fatty ribeye, but much cheaper and it’s the latest youtube dietary trend, so why not?

Joe Rogan is doing it, and he’s got a podcast that explains the steps.

Ultimately, you can’t argue with a diet that costs virtually nothing, provides a clean source of fuel, undermines capitalism, and sends a message loud and clear to all the vegans to just go F yourselves.