How To Move Past the Pandemic and Find Freedom on the Other Side
The 5 stages of pandemic grief (with a bonus 6th stage thrown in for good measure
The lens of Kübler-Ross’s stages of grieving can be a powerful way to reflect on the process of moving through any change or loss. Here’s how it can help unlock a deeper understanding of how to move through the pandemic.
I offer this with compassion for the pain many are going through. There’s nothing wrong with going through any of these stages. In fact, honoring the various stages of the grief process is an important and powerful part of healing.
It’s also important to note that these are stages, not checkpoints. Stages can be skipped and returned to. Grief and healing are not always linear. Like COVID, it can be circuitous and messy.
1. Denial
For so much of the pandemic, there has been this unwavering idea that life would be better if things would return to how they were in 2019. This was understandable in the first few months of 2020, but we are now in the second half of 2021.
People already forget that 2019 sucked for a lot of people. It wasn’t as if 2019 was the pinnacle of human civilization. There were countless and growing numbers of people excluded from economic, healthcare, social, and financial systems. Sure, we had more freedom to travel, but overall, societies and economies around the world were unstable and inequitable.
Denial is a protection mechanism. When grief and loss are so great, it can help to pretend it isn’t happening. At first, denial looked like “it’ll all be over by summer,” then “it’ll all be over by Christmas.” But it isn’t over. The pandemic keeps finding new expressions through new variants and additional outbreaks.
The reality is that there’s no going back. The world has already changed enough that we need more creativity and innovation than ever before to reimagine how we can best meet the future.
2019 is not the destination we are aiming for. And to live with that expectation is denial.
2. Anger
Anger is a stage that shouldn’t be bypassed. Anger is a red flag that tries to show us that some aspect of ourselves or our lives has been compromised. It is an emotion that screams, Pay Attention — something needs to be attended to here!
One common thread of anger in the democratic world is around the loss of personal freedoms and civil liberties. As a privileged white person, I’ve been able to taste a little what so many experience on an almost daily basis in other parts of the world.
That doesn’t and shouldn’t diminish the very real feelings people have. I have an expectation of the world that I can live with a certain amount of freedom, and to not have that does (or did) make me angry.
There are many ways to deal with anger. The first is to acknowledge that it’s there and that there’s nothing wrong with feeling it. And then there’s the matter of how to express that anger.
In the context of the grief process, anger becomes problematic when we stay in it. When we allow it to brew and fester until it becomes resentment. Believe me, I spent a good amount of time at this stage, and when I watch the news, I am quick to go back to anger to say hello.
The energy of anger can be empowering and motivating. Channeling that energy into a healthy expression can be productive. But it is also a masking emotion that can keep us blind to what is really going on. Being able to come out of the anger state to see more clearly is an important step.
3. Bargaining
Bargaining is a line of defense blocking us from going into depression and hopelessness (more of that at Stage 4). Bargaining asks questions that often start with “what if” or “if only.”
Bargaining looks like a politician saying If we hit a certain target with vaccinations, we can avoid lockdowns and open borders. Promises like this help us feel more secure as it gives us an endpoint we can look forward to and motivate us to act by getting vaccinated or staying at home.
When politicians constantly backflip on promises, they end up with metaphoric eggs on their faces. Their bargains don’t come to pass.
Even if some of these promises come true, bargaining serves as a distraction from dealing with the reality that the world and its interconnected systems need to change.
4. Depression
Depression is real. This is where we truly come face to face with the vulnerability of our loss. We are no longer hiding behind the defenses of denial, anger, and bargaining. We are looking at the painful reality of what this pandemic has brought to our lives.
For some, it is the very real and painful loss of family and friends. It can be the isolation from those we love. It can be the loss of a job, career, or relationship. Societally, it is the loss of freedom and ability to experience culture, sport, and the arts in the way we used to. While some industries have boomed, others have collapsed.
For collapsing systems or industries, it can leave people feeling stranded and unsupported. It can be hard to know where to go or what to do. The loss brings uncertainty and pain. It can be very overwhelming. And with no known end in sight for the pandemic, it can also bring a sense of hopelessness.
Depression can manifest in different ways for different people. While these feelings are very normal, it is best to seek support early and often, especially from professionals when needed. [Google “mental health support near me”.]
5. Acceptance
Acceptance is when we make the big shift from being a victim to finding a sense of empowerment in the situation. At this stage, COVID no longer has a stronghold. It might determine some of our outer circumstances right now, but it doesn’t have control over our emotions.
Acceptance doesn’t always mean we’ll feel uplifted or happy. Indeed, we may still return to some of the emotions of the earlier stage. Acceptance also doesn’t mean giving up or not acting on the things we believe strongly about. It simply allows us to accept the situation one is in and start to move forward from a more empowered perspective.
Acceptance allows us to turn our creative attention towards examining how we can improve our lives and the systems we live within.
6. Creative Action
Stage Six is often defined as “Finding Meaning” from an experience. And while this will hopefully come in time, it is not always immediately actionable for me. In an immensely complex and ever-changing situation like COVID, it may take many years before we can look back and fully understand what happened.
Entrepreneurs and social change agents look at problems and see opportunities. They don’t get stuck in a false reality about how the world used to be. They instead see what could be and take action to move towards that.
We don’t need to start a business or a movement in order to get into creative action. We can also do this in our own personal lives.
Some people are seeing the potential of what life in a rural town might offer them, finally throwing off the shackles of the city.
It might be a career change or a health quest; deciding to pursue study, a relationship, or reconnect with people in new ways.
At the systems level, this is an opportunity to examine what is happening in the industries, sectors, organizations, and communities in which we live and work. COVID itself has exposed many flaws in how healthcare and public policy reach or don’t reach specific demographics or regions.
And the kinds of solutions that are required will not simply be in creating new additional services to fill a gap, but to look at what created the gap in the first place.
Creative action doesn’t necessarily mean having all the answers. But the key to any systems-change effort is asking good questions. What is this situation showing me or us? Who is missing out here? How can this system be redesigned to improve access and reduce harm? What role can I play here?
If you can’t be at the stage you want, love the stage you’re in.
There’s nothing wrong with any of these stages. We can skip them, move back and forth between them, stay in them for weeks or months, or shift through them quickly. There is no right way through the grieving or systems change process.
I try to honor each stage as it comes up in me. There are days where I am angry. There are days when I am depressed. But through it all, I keep my eye on the direction of creative action. I ask, what can I do today to make my life and the lives of those around me just a little bit better?
I’ve learned to be aware of the attitudes of those around me. The anger of others can feed my anger. The news media certainly does. Spending time with creative people keeps me motivated and looking forward.
In time I suspect we’ll be able to look back on this time with gratitude (okay, so I’m not quite there yet). 2019 is not my destination. And I may not be able to define the destination quite yet. But every day I ask questions about how I can creatively be part of building a better world.