The 6 Qualities of Real Manliness

Do men still need muscles in 2023?

Manliness has undergone some major changes as a social concept in the past decade, and the idea of being a man is now far from what it used to mean in the traditional sense of the term or even the stereotypes one may have about “manly men”.

Ask anyone what they think of when thinking of the word “manliness” in 2023, and you’ll get a wide range of answers. From being fit to being caring, from lifting weights to lifting spirits, being direct or being honest, fighting with words or fighting with strength…

In essence, being a man is about embodying qualities that make you a better person, for yourself and others. This hasn’t changed, but the social context in which men evolve has greatly evolved. Being a man is not anymore about conforming to outdated ideals of ruggedness and stoicism, but it’s about transcending what it means to protect with care rather than strength, and fight with knowledge and words rather than violence.

In this article, I’ll explore the 6 qualities that define real manliness in our modern 21st-century era.

1. Genuine strength

Don’t worry, strength is still manly, but there’s been a powerful shift in what it means to be strong (see what I did there). It’s not about physical dominance or even aggression, it’s about resilience and the ability to persevere when faced with challenges. Strength is not shown just in those bulging biceps and that V-shaped torso anymore, it’s now also shown in mental and emotional strength, the ability to open oneself and be vulnerable in relationships.

And if you don’t have time to work out, you can forget the bulging biceps and V-shaped torso altogether, and prioritize the other aspect of strength, because I guarantee you most people (both men and women) will be more sensible and attracted to emotional strength rather than physical strength.

Strength in vulnerability is also a crucial component of 21st-century strength. It means being open and honest about one’s weaknesses, recognizing you might need help occasionally, and that’s okay (more on this soon).

2. Wisdom

It’s never been sexier to be knowledgable than in 2023. Part of this phenomenon is because in a world that’s never been more complex and is getting increasingly more complex by the day, it can be comforting to have a handsome, strong man know a bunch of stuff about how the world works*. It’s also sexy to know what you’re doing and to strive to achieve your goals, which is a quality a lot of people lack. We live in the TikTok world (something a boomer might say), where what we want to achieve is advertised to us 24/7 on our phones, but very few of us are actually willing to get to work, and go after what we want. We’d rather stare at stuff on our screen, dreams made of pixels. Ambition is sexy, and a lot of it is based on wisdom.

In the pursuit of wisdom, a real man recognizes the importance of continuous learning. Whether it’s through reading, seeking advice from mentors, or gaining life experiences, wisdom allows a man to navigate the (increasing) complexities of life and make choices that benefit not only himself but also the ones he loves.

*This is of course not to say that women would prefer to find shelter in a knowledgeable man rather than learn things themselves, and there are great women who are amazing examples of that. Michelle Obama is the first one that comes to mind.

3. Emotional stability

Emotional stability means having control over one’s emotions and the ability to express them in a healthy way to others. Again, this is not something that has been made easier with social networks. Nowadays, people get together on Tinder, break up over text, and do it all over again more times than they can count in a year. That doesn’t scream “stable”, and this kind of activity is often practiced by men more than women (talk about daddy issues).

Emotional stability allows for healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life, but it’s not easy to get there. A real man is in touch with his feelings, fosters emotional connections with those around him (not just women he wants to hook up with), and can even be a source of support for those who need it (again, without hooking up at the end, would you believe it?)

A real man always favors a face-to-face conversation when possible rather than a call or a chat over text. As a result, others can turn to him in times of distress, as he is not afraid to show empathy and offer a comforting presence. Emotional stability makes a man a reliable friend, partner, and role model, and that’s pretty damn sexy.

4. Humility

Here’s one of the notions of modern manliness that’s probably evolved the most. It used to be sexy to brag about your achievements and let people know you were successful (that was done mostly through material possessions). Nowadays, it’s not about flaunting your wealth and telling stories about how you were able to make it big. It’s about inspiring others with knowledge and wisdom (point number 2 above)

“You only fail once you stop trying” wasn’t a popular saying back in our grandparent's days, because the world was mostly made of only 2 types of people: the losers and the winners. Social mobility was a lot less common back then, and people tended to stay in the same social category for their entire life. There was no such thing as “in-betweeners”, people who were currently losers but working on winning some later. These guys failed a lot but never stopped trying. Nowadays, there are more self-made men (and women) than ever before in the history of humanity, and these guys didn’t get there on the first try. That’s why failing and recognizing your mistakes is now seen as an inherent part of success.

Humility is also about recognizing your imperfections and your shortcomings on a more personal level, with your family and your loved ones. Being open to learning and becoming better is not just about your career, it’s also about being a better friend, husband, father, son… Or whatever it is you strive to be to others in life.

5. True confidence

True confidence used to be easy to confuse with arrogance, but in 2023 make no mistake, the line is not blurry anymore. This very much echoes the notion of humility discussed in point 4 above, in the sense that true confidence arises from self-awareness, competence, and the ability to admit mistakes.

True confidence is not about belittling others, crushing your competition, and being better than everyone else. It’s about the ability to be happy with the success you have, without always comparing yourself to others. Think less “The grass is greener on the other side” and more “It can always be good but has it ever been better for you?”

A confident man doesn’t feel threatened by the success or abilities of others and is secure in his identity, which allows him to encourage and uplift the ones he loves.

6. Physicality

You may be tempted to think physicality is the same as the first point mentioned about genuine strength. Both notions are interconnected, but in this case, we’re focusing more on actual physical strength rather than emotional, spiritual strength or resilience.

The very notion of what it means to be physical, fit, and healthy has drastically changed over the past few decades. Looking back at the Schwarzenegger years, being fit was all about looking like Mr Universe, working on those calves, and deadlifting 200 pounds (I didn’t check if that’s actually doable, I don’t lift weights). And don’t get me wrong, these guys are still around and kicking (although I’m not sure Scwharzy can still deadlift as much as in his heydays). Mr Universe is still a thing, and in fact the contestants have tripled in size compared to the Arnlod years.

But the thing is, the very definition of what it means to be “fit” has dramatically expanded to be more inclusive than ever before. Physicality is not about conforming to unrealistic body standards (I mean, have you seen what a Mr Universe looks like nowadays?) or seeking to intimidate others with physical strength anymore. Instead, it’s about embracing a healthy lifestyle, and you get to choose how you want to do that: by going to the gym “only” once a week, running marathons, playing tennis, basketball… It’s a lot less about how fit you look and a lot more about how healthy your actual lifestyle is.

Lastly, there’s been a big paradigm shift in the way people look at “being fit” and “being well” as a winning combo. Sure, the guys in the gym with Arnold were promoting having a healthy mindset as well, but they didn’t have TikTok, Instagram, and 1000 anxiety-inducing news only a few scrolls away on their smartphones.

It was much easier to focus and stay mentally sane in the gym back then than it is now. Try to have a workout without using your phone and/or posting a selfie between 2 sets and you’ll probably feel 10x healthier after your session.

At the end of the day, the societal definition of what it means to be a man will always evolve, but the qualities that define real manliness remain steadfast. It’s the perception people have of them and how men adapt that redefines them. Genuine strength, wisdom, emotional stability, humility, true confidence, and physicality have always been qualities people appreciate in men, but they haven’t always meant the same thing.

Real manliness is not about conforming to any fixed set of stereotypes but rather about embracing a holistic approach to self-improvement, and understanding that the definition of manliness evolves with its time.

I hope you found this article useful, and I wish you a great rest of your day.

I interviewed 50 productivity/business experts and made a 150+ page guide out of the project. Get it for free here.