The 5 Steps You Can Use to Create a Better Relationship Today
No. You don’t need a $10K retreat or 6-months of counseling (yet). You need to do these 5 things immediately.
by: E.B. Johnson
Building a better relationship with your partner or spouse doesn’t start with a dramatic overhaul. Just like personal growth, relationship repair is a gradual process. Taking small steps consistently gives us the change we seek over time, and we don’t have to spend a fortune or wait forever to see the results. Improvement can begin today, but you and your partner have to commit and get on the same page. Figure out your intentions, break your routines, and find a better way to love one another.
The 5 steps you can use to create a better relationship today.
Sure, it’s going to take some time to get a stagnant relationship back online. It took you months or years to get where you’re at. No magical solution will heal all your problems overnight. But you and your partner can take action and make some immediate repairs. That’s right. By figuring out your intentions, having honest conversations, and seeking personal improvement, you can start improving your relationship right now, today.
Figure out your intentions
Intentions are a crucial part of our relationships, but many of us lose sight of these directions along the way. We go on autopilot while we try to keep up with our own lives, and we turn away from our intentions as our relationships sink into comfortable ruts. We lose sight of what we want, and we lose sight of our partners, too.
Re-aligning with your intentions is a great way to fast-track your relationship. What is it that you really seek from this partnership? What do you want to build with this life, and what do you intend to bring to the table?
You need to get clear on why you’re showing up, and your partner needs to do the same. When we’re in the right relationship, this brings us back to a sense of motivation. It can reignite the fire under us, and help us clarify and return to the middle ground. Seeing your intentions (and the intentions of your other half) will change the way you see your connection entirely.
Have an honest conversation
No healthy relationship can be maintained without a strong foundation of trust. You should be able to trust your partner for an array of things. You should trust that they will show up to support you; that they won’t cheat. More than that, you should be able to trust them to tell you the truth when your relationship hits the rocks.
One of the quickest ways to improve your relationship, right now today, happens with honest conversation. You and your partner need to sit down and figure out what’s going wrong, and what you’re willing to do to put it right.
Gather your thoughts. Write them down first if you need to. If you need to, give your partner time (and warning) to do the same. Figure out what you want to say, and figure out a way to say it without using inflammatory or blaming language.
Pick a safe time and place for both you and your partner. Make sure it’s private. Open up and tell your partner what’s going on. Ask them questions, share your feelings. Don’t expect to solve it all in one, though. These honest conversations need to become a regular part of the routine each time there’s hardship or bad feeling in your partnerships.
Break outside of the routine
Couples can sometimes become casualties of their own comfort together. They get complacent and they get stuck in a rut. Conflicts arise and resentment becomes a normal part of the routine.
Breaking out of this pattern requires that we consciously break outside of these routines we’ve set up for ourselves. Instead of settling for the same-old, same-old, we have to get creative and give ourselves new memories and paths of connection.
Do something unexpected for your partner today. Surprise them. Encourage them to do the same for you. Get outside of the box and find a way to laugh, engage, and celebrate the life you’re building together.
Again, breaking the bank isn’t necessary here. Leave a love note on your spouse’s pillow tonight. Cook them dinner. Order take away. Do the laundry for them. Bring them coffee in bed. There are a million small, simple things you could do (today) to send your relationship in the right direction.
Improve your own inner life
Improving our relationships isn’t always about improving things with our partners. Sometimes, the fastest path back to love is paying attention to yourself. Improving your own inner life can fast-track the change you’re seeking in your partnerships.
Instead of chasing your loved one for all the answers, look within. What can you do to improve your place in life right now. Do you need more self-care? More friends outside of your relationship? More hobbies? A new career? A real change of path in your direction?
Nurturing yourself from the inside out enables you to be a better partner, parent, friend, lover, all the above. Improve your own inner life, your mental and emotional health. Your relationship will (very often) follow suit.
Walk away from the argument
Learning how to walk away from arguments is one of the best skills you can develop as a partner (and a friend). At the same time, it’s one of the quickest ways to bring about immediate improvements to your relationship. But you have to make sure you understand how to walk away from arguments in a healthy way.
Rarely do arguments hold the urgency we think they do. Instead of engaging our passions in the moment, it’s better to take a step back (every time) so that you can process and approach the topic with a more level and civil head.
Give up the screaming and the yelling. Walk away, count to 10, and come back to the table when you’re ready to work it out as adults. It’s not uncommon, in this pause, to realize that what we’re fighting about isn’t really worth fighting about at all.
Putting it all together…
You don’t need to buy all the books and do all-the-things to improve your relationship right now. For the partnership that’s stuck in a rut, honest communication, idealized intentions, and increased discernment is enough to get the ball rolling in the best possible way. Simple actions, over time, result in big changes and better clarity.
Before you shell out $10K on that couples’ retreat, get back to basics. Speak honestly with one another and be present. Break out of the routines and give yourselves new, happier memories to build on.
Our relationships must be nourished, from the inside out. Give yourself a full life so that you can come to your partner as a whole and fulfilled person. Allow them the space to do the same. Little-by-little, your love will bloom again. Be patient. We can’t rush nature, time, or a good thing.
- Baxter, L., & Bullis, C. (1986). Turning Points in Developing Romantic Relationships. Human Communication Research, 12(4), 469–493. doi: 10.1111/j.1468–2958.1986.tb00088.x