SATIRE
The 4 Self-Care Tips You Need to Become a Whole New Person
A must-read listicle
Are you tired of reading lengthy articles that ask you to make an effort? Are you searching for the bestest, quickest, and easiest fixes that can be implemented by anyone?
Then look no more. By the end of this grueling six-minute read, you will have gained all the vital answers, achieved inner peace, shed your old self like a snake discards its dry skin, and will never ever have to click on another self-help link.
The gall on some people, right? How dare they ask you to think for yourself? Anyways, let’s not dwell on the negative — deep breaths.
Are you ready to have your mind blown?
1. Slather jam on your face:
Unlike others who are selling you 190$ skin creams, or a DIY facial from common kitchen ingredients that are never present in your pantry, I offer you an incredible, budget-friendly, and simple hack.
Walk up to your kitchen, and pick up a bottle of jam (of your choice). Take a butter knife, credit card, or a mask brush, and smear it generously, all over your face. Leave it on for three minutes and wipe it off with industrial-strength non-biodegradable tissues.
Why it works:
Imagine a face with jam on it, what do you see? — A baby. You will witness 100% skin cell renewal and wake up to a glowing, poreless, never-seen-before face.
Do it once a week, and you are good to go. Keep the dollars in your bank and use it to buy something useful, like a Cartier love bracelet, but for yourself.
Protip: Use strawberry jam; it’s the prettiest of them all.
2. Stand on one leg for five minutes:
I will let you in on an exercise, a foolproof pose, which will help you awaken bustling with energy. When you feel your anxiety crushing you and confining you to bed, jump up, and stand upright on the floor.
If you are feeling a little extra, open the drapes and let in some sun. Burn your skin just a bit — No pain, no gain.
Then gently remove one leg (of your preference) from the floor, fold it, and keep moving it upwards. Tuck the leg behind you by resting it on your thigh. Now, ask Siri to set a timer for five minutes.
Why it works:
Who stands on one leg? — A stork. You will emerge from this exercise with a keen sense of sight, having learned the art of balance and a slender body.
Do it once a day, and soon, you will transform into a better, fitter, perkier individual. This one trick will help you get up, dress up, and show up like a boss, every day.
Protip: Stand in front of your mirror and feel the energy rising from the tingle of imaginary pins and needles on your foot.
3. Decorate your journal:
I know, journaling, whether brain dump or gratitude is passé, but what if I tell you that the reason these techniques have not been working for you is that you have been focusing on the wrong thing?
To start fresh, burn your old notebooks and pens — nothing like a fire to cleanse you of your bad memories. Next, go online and buy the most expensive journal you can find. I bought one for 225$ last month, and it freaking changed my life.
Go to your favorite stationery store or Amazon (your choice) and buy everything that looks pretty, like brush pens, highlighters, watercolors, tape, stickers, glitter, shells, and rollerball pens.
Remember, expensive is key here — the costlier, the better.
Unbox it, lay it flat on your desk, and spend exactly one minute writing about the one good thing you want to happen.
Now spend a significant amount of time (fifteen to twenty minutes) coloring, pasting, doodling, and adorning the page. Don’t forget to play a podcast in the background.
Why it works:
Really? Do you not know it already? You invested in yourself — And if it looks good, it feels good.
Do it once a year, because that’s all you can afford, but really that’s all you need.
Protip: Add all the above-mentioned items to your Christmas wishlist and send it to colleagues, friends, and family.
4. Post a candid shot of yourself reading:
Google “good books” and wait for several images to pop up. Select the most aesthetically pleasing one, and order it on two-day delivery. Once it arrives, place it under your mattress overnight for a lovely worn-out look.
The next morning, put on an outfit that matches or complements your book’s color palette (again, your choice). Wear no-make-up-make-up.
Then gather the props (some unique accessories to elevate your picture), like your underwatered house plant, a stale half-eaten donut, or your only cushion with a textured cover.
Try out several arrangements, and take inspiration from Pinterest if you are creatively challenged. Also, practice reading poses that make you look thin. Then get your iPhone out, ensure that its memory is free, start the self-timer, and click-click-click.
This one doesn’t have a time limit; keep going till you get the perfect shot.
Then edit the crap out of it until you look like a completely different person. For guaranteed fame, use my lightroom presets, available for purchase (link below).
Share it on all your social media handles.
Why it works:
Letting the world know that you are intelligent and unafraid to pursue greatness boosts your confidence 150x and actually helps your brain cells grow.
Do it twice a month. Don’t saturate your feed; keep it interesting.
Protip: Pick a page from the book — any page and highlight it in multiple places, and post a second photo.
If you’ve made it this far, Congratulations!.
I am going to reward you with a bonus tip — An unimaginable, top-secret, life-changing hack.
Wait for it; it’s going to be Legendary. (For full effect, visualize a burst of confetti around you.)
5. Become a Self-Care Pro:
Free up your entire day, charge your iPad, arrange pillows and blankets on your bed, slip into yoga pants, gather some power bars, bottled water, and hunker down.
Search “Self-Care” on Youtube and watch the first video. Enable autoplay and let its algorithm take care of the rest. Pay attention, absorb every single drop of information, and keep on consuming like there’s no tomorrow.
This is what I did to become a self-care expert, qualified enough to write this masterpiece of an article. I watched videos for five hours straight. Yeah, you read that right, five freaking hours, talk about hard work — Productivity Goals — Yasss!
You can use a platform of your choice to read articles or look at pictures. I prefer videos as they appeal to all of my seven senses. Again it’s your choice; I am not trying to control you.
The process of becoming a self-care pro will ask you for your blood, sweat, and tears, but once completed and achieved, the pedestal lasts a lifetime.
You can repeat the same content, again and again, tweaking it occasionally by using synonyms from Google dictionary. People will still buy it — Trust me on this, I’ve had one video, and one article go viral this week.
Why it works:
If you say (or write) something with confidence, people will believe you. They will follow you and leave comments like “I want to be you when I grow up,” “You really have it all together,” “How do you manage to get so much done in a day?”.
The more content you produce, the more hype you will receive, and one day you will wake up to realize that you do believe in yourself. You do have it all.
There you go — BLAM — you are now a whole new person.
Do it as often as you like. I create content four times a day, seven days a week. Work hard, hustle harder people — No other way works period.
Protip: Always pick easy (the easier, the better). Always pick expensive (Diversify a bit, throw in power words like “green” and “eco-friendly” from time to time).