The 4 Best Ways to Win
Right now, more than any time in our lives, we need a better way to win.
I fail more times than I win. I started investing for my retirement too late. I’ll probably be a greeter at Walmart when I’m eighty.
In 1997, when Amazon’s stock was $1.73, I planned to buy 1000 shares. I didn’t. Today, Amazon is selling for $2300. Don’t tell my wife.
I don’t have millions in the bank.
Sometimes I piss people off. This particular talent has caused deals to go south and made my children and friends think I can be a hard ass prick.
I don’t have a job. Read the above paragraph to understand why.
I never graduated from college.
Right now, all I’m doing is writing. And reading. Do you know what another name for a writer is? “Unemployed,” “Waiter,” or “Works at Barnes and Noble.” But everyone is unemployed now, so I’m like the rest of the world.
Neither my failures nor my successes express the entirety of my existence.
Value is more than a number in a bank account, closing a huge M&A deal, or if a piece of paper from Harvard hangs on my wall.
What matters is being a husband to Mari, father to Misha and Anna, and friend to an amazing group of men and women.
The Win That Matters Most
My oldest daughter, Misha, was born with a brain tumor. She wasn’t supposed to survive.
Doctor after doctor told my wife and me that if Misha lived she would be in diapers for the rest of her life.
Here is where I get to brag.
Misha is alive today. She is 27 years old and graduated from Smith College with a 3.45 GPA. In case you don’t know, Smith College is ranked 11th in the nation by US News, and Report.
There is an indescribable anger deep inside of me. No one tells me I cannot do something or my daughter is going to die. I fight like a real son of a bitch then.
Winners Do the Hard Thing
I may not have graduated from college, but I have read over 200 books a year for the past 40 years.
My drive makes me do something hard every day.
Three years ago, I ran the equivalent of a triathlon 5 days a week for two months. I swam 2000 yards, ran 15 miles, and biked 50 miles a day. I wanted to see if it would be hard. It was, but I did it anyway.
Last year, I walked the Camino de Santiago because someone told me it would be difficult. It wasn’t.
People are hard. Trying to close deals that pay is harder.
Over the years I’ve been a recruiter, raised money for startups, and put together a few partnerships. I wrote résumés, business plans, and private placement memorandums for money. I even sold cars and motor homes.
My biggest wins happened when I helped friends and strangers find jobs. Success came from closing deals that changed their lives or businesses.
I never got paid for any of those deals. The ones that matter.
I try to make a difference in my community and be a good man to everyone…even if I tend to piss them off.
I say sorry a lot.
Life should be more than what our LinkedIn profile says.
I want to be a man whose friends, family, community, or anyone for that matter can count on. I always show up when you need me.
“Showing up is not all in life — but it counts a lot.”
— Hillary Clinton
Showing up is hard.
Defining What Matters in Your Life
Regardless of the size of my bank account or if the only deal I closed last week was scoring a 2-for-1 special at my favorite sushi restaurant, I think I’m winning at life.
My children graduated from college. They’re healthy, alive, and happy.
I have been with the same woman for 30 years.
I’m not the richest bastard in town. I don’t pursue money like a dog in heat, but I have more than I need.
The world says my version of success is wrong. It says I’m failing.
The world is wrong.
When There’s More Month Than Money in the Bank
As of last week, more than 26 million people filed for unemployment. For them, success looks different, harder, and less real.
How can anyone feel like a winner when they don’t have enough money to pay the rent or buy groceries?
That was my reality for years.
I equated my intrinsic and overall value to the size of my bank account.
Then my daughter had cancer, so did my mother, and the family businesses failed.
Bill collectors called me every day.
At one point, winning wasn’t the dream. Survival was the goal.
It was hard to wake up without breaking or crying. A great day was finding a way to stretch my last $20 until the next paycheck.
Believing in anything more was impossible.
Life was a series of problems, not opportunities or blessings. My vision could not extend beyond my pain and empty wallet.
I became depressed and angry.
The only thing good in my life was my wife and children, but I began blaming them for all my troubles. I was miserable and for a while saw my family as a hindrance.
Something had to change and soon.
When Failure Became an Opportunity
One day, a friend called asking me if I could help him with his résumé. I reminded him I didn’t have a job. He should reconsider my help. He laughed and said any help was better than what he was writing. His résumé was bad so I rewrote it.
Two weeks later he got the job. The hiring manager said my friend’s résumé was one of the best he had ever seen.
My friend referred me to one of his friends. He wanted me to help him prep for the interview. I told him I’ve been on hundreds of interviews and no one has hired me. He should get someone else.
I remember his response.
“Then you know all the questions they’re going to ask. You’re the perfect person to help me.” They offered him a job on the spot.
That went on for years. One friend told another friend, who told another. I helped a lot of people get jobs.
My disadvantages became other people’s advantages.
How did I get good at writing résumés?
I applied to hundreds of jobs. When I didn’t get hired I would call the company’s HR rep to ask why. Most said nothing but sometimes I spoke with someone who told me how I could improve my résumé.
Failure taught me how to succeed.
I don’t interview well, but I discovered I was great at coaching people to excel in an interview.
In my case, the old saying is true. Those who can’t, teach. If you want to get good at something, teach it.
From Failure to Success
The universe works in a funny way. It puts people in front of you who have the same needs and challenges you have.
Have you noticed when you have no money you keep meeting people who need money? When you’re out of a job you meet a lot of unemployed folks.
That’s the universe telling you and me to help them.
When my daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor I researched cancer. I did more than research. I became obsessed.
I read textbooks and article after article on tumor pathology and specific cancer regimens.
I recruited the best neurosurgeons and oncologists to advise me. The world’s top pathologists and radiologists read my daughter’s scans and tumor slides.
And in the process, I became an expert on cancer.
Most people do not understand what cancer is or the treatments available.
In a ten-year period, I met and helped parents whose children had brain tumors and other cancers. Together we found specialists and treatments. They became better advocates for their children in the process.
And Then I Became a Dealmaker
Soon, I got phone calls to help close deals, raise money, write business plans, or recruit a company’s next CEO.
This went on for years. Sometimes I made money, sometimes I didn’t. I did what I could.
Then It Happened — A New Definition for Success
One day I looked in the mirror and I was smiling. I tried to remember the last time I was angry or depressed, but I couldn’t.
I still had no job though on occasion I worked a deal or two.
In my mind, I was no longer a failure. I was a success. I still am.
What changed?
Four things:
- I stopped trying to solve my pain and began to help other people with theirs.
- I changed my definition of success.
- I embraced suffering.
- I showed up.
My life changed when I took the focus off myself and began to help other people find jobs, close deals, raise money, and fight cancer.
Money was not my motivator. Family, friends, and community became my focus.
Once, my concept of winning was millions in the bank. I wanted to travel the world first-class, own 2–3 houses, and whatever else fed my ego.
Today, my definition of success is simpler and better. Easier to achieve.
I found a new and better way to win.
I win when I wake up and my wife smiles at me. It’s a bigger win when she winks at me and we don’t get out of bed right away.
Or when I read a good book (or 200 of them) and send it to a friend.
Success is having two children who grew into strong, amazing women.
It is a great day when a friend calls.
I take a victory lap if I can help someone with their challenges.
A win is simply waking up and celebrating the day.
And I am not afraid to try something hard. I hate to lose but I am not afraid of it.
I find joy in doing something difficult. When the pandemic is over, I plan on hiking 2000 km across Europe.
Life changed when my definition of success changed. When I viewed problems as opportunities and sought out new and difficult challenges.
I show up when people need me.
Maybe, in all this craziness, you can do the same.
