The 3 P’s of Narcissism

Person, Power, and Praise

Everything about my husband was confusing and a contradiction. Add the complications of narcissistic communication, aka abuse and I spent years ping-ponging from one side of my relationship to another.

Even after a diagnosis of Narcissistic personality disorder.

When I finally tossed in the towel, it became clear. I would like to say his mask came off but it didn’t. It remained firmly intact. I was the one who shed the blinding face apparatus.

I could now stare at my husband and see who and what I was dealing with.

His charm and laughter no longer drew me in. But the emptiness beneath his eyes did. His gaze didn’t look out upon the world, it reflected inward. He was empty.

I’m not sure what is more tragic, this fact, or that he will never realize it.

There are 3 things that make up the narcissist. This addictive fuel keeps the narcissist physically inflated but emotionally flat. And sadly, we get twisted within this compulsion simply by loving the wrong person.

Power

I admit, in the early years, I mistook power for motivation and ambition.

I saw a hard worker, a goal setter, and an achiever. But the narcissist wasn’t getting married, buying a house, having children, and rising in his career. He was assembling his own world power.

A playground he would rule.

He was subtly bringing me into his hemisphere while I abandoned my own. I foolishly thought we were becoming a team, one family. I thought quitting my job to build a business with him was a ‘joint’ venture. I believed transitioning to stay home and raise our kids was a form of unity, not vulnerability.

I always say no one should have the power in a relationship but no one should be powerless either. The more I surrendered to how the narcissist wanted us to ‘create’ his ‘vision’ of life the bigger chunks of me I was handing over.

I was a pleaser and a fixer, he capitalized on this.

The rest of the power aka control he achieved through manipulation. And gaslighting, bullying, indifference, ignoring me, and refusing to do anything he didn’t want to do. It was either his way or no way.

The narcissist’s world was black and white.

The narcissist’s thirst for power left me powerless.

Person

Everything in our lives revolved around a single individual, my husband.

I initially mistook this for a ‘traditional’ marriage. It made sense that I revolved around him. He was in his words a ‘busy’ man. He was self-employed so I believed him. I would go out of my way to lessen any demands or inconveniences.

But we weren’t traditional, he was indescribably selfish.

He would leave me to do everything and help him with the business when necessary. In a narcissistic fashion, there was no guilt. It was expected. His mentality was I was the wife, I should be grateful, I should say look at all he has done for me.

And I did have a sense of gratitude.

That’s the reason I allowed it to go on for as long as it did. Until one day, I stopped listening to the ‘busy’ man’s words and began watching his actions. For instance, how he was off approximately three months per year because of his industry. But it didn’t stop at work.

The narcissist is spoiled. It was all about him. What he did and didn’t want to do. What would and wouldn’t be done. What would and wouldn’t be celebrated. What would and wouldn’t be spent. What would and wouldn’t courtesy of the narcissistic whim.

And all eyes would be on him.

There would be no mention of how I built the business with him, volunteered, ran fundraisers, raised our children, got another job to save for an investment property, managed the finances for the business, home, and rental properties, and more.

One person existed in our marriage, the narcissist.

He directed all the success towards himself.

Praise

My husband didn’t overtly brag because he is a covert narcissist.

I mistook his passive-aggressive behavior as someone who was laid-back. I was too young to understand there is a quiet and manipulative version of control. Let alone, what the word narcissism meant. I thought he was humble.

The covert narcissist won’t necessarily openly praise themselves.

At least, not as spectacularly as an overt narcissist will. Instead, it’s an internal satisfaction with themselves. Basically, “I know how great I am, obviously, I don’t have to let others know.”

The covert narcissist is smugly superior, they don’t feel the need to announce it.

But whether praise is external or internal, a narcissist will demand it. I remember when I told my husband I might leave him. His words were laced with so much arrogance I was shocked.

“Who would leave the Golden Goose?” he asked.

A nod to financial success and what woman would dare leave that? This big successful guy. When I did ultimately file for divorce he justified his financial and emotional abuse.

“What do you expect?” he asked. “You bit the hand that fed you.”

In anger, a narcissist will expose themselves to a greater extent.

Making it clear praise garnered with or without you supports their fantasy.

The 3 P’s of Narcissism

It seems complex until you dumb down the primal motivators of a narcissist. They are built upon three pillars, power, person, and praise. All of the tactics and methods they use to dominate exist within these boxes.

Yet they are so easily mistaken. For anything but the inhuman distortions, they become when related to someone with Narcissistic personality disorder. Combined they are an abusive trifecta.

Otherwise non-threatening words become lethal.

I hadn’t attached myself to a motivated go-getter in a traditional marriage who was laid-back. Even writing these words, now sounds ridiculous to me. I went from eyes closed shut to eyes wide open.

How naive and mistaken I was.

I was with a controlling, self-centered, selfish, rigid, and irrational man who lived in his own version of reality.

And for a while, I lived there too.

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