Summary

The article discusses two fundamental challenges in polyamorous relationships: the distribution of finite resources like time and the inadequacy of the "multiple children" analogy for explaining the dynamics of loving multiple partners.

Abstract

The author of the article, who has personal experience with polyamory, delves into two core issues that are often overlooked in polyamorous relationships. The first is the scarcity of time and other resources, which are inherently limited and must be divided among multiple partners. This contrasts with the infinite nature of love, leading to potential complications when new romantic interests arise. The second issue is the imperfect analogy between loving multiple romantic partners and a parent's love for their children. Unlike the unconditional and duty-bound nature of parental love, romantic relationships are based on choice and can be more vulnerable to changes, especially when partners must navigate the complexities of prioritizing multiple romantic connections. The article emphasizes the importance of understanding these challenges and acknowledges that while polyamory can be the best choice for some, it may not be sustainable for everyone, as evidenced by the author's own experience with a partner named Grant.

Opinions

The author believes that while love is infinite, the time and energy required to nurture romantic relationships are not, which can lead to significant challenges in polyamorous dynamics.
It is highlighted that the analogy of loving multiple romantic partners to a parent's love for multiple children is flawed because parental love is duty-bound and unconditional, whereas romantic relationships require ongoing choice and can end, altering the balance of commitment and security within a polyamorous framework.
The author suggests that the fear and anxiety experienced by Grant, the author's partner, were based on logical concerns about the redistribution of the author's time and energy, and the reduced necessity to repair their relationship if it faltered.
The article posits that although polyamory has unique challenges, it can be the optimal relationship model for certain individuals, and it is crucial for all parties involved to fully comprehend the trade-offs when engaging in polyamorous relationships.
Reflecting on personal experience, the author concludes that while polyamory may not be universally sustainable, as demonstrated by the end of the relationship with Grant, many polyamorous individuals find that the benefits outweigh the difficulties associated with these two inherent issues.

The 2 Problems with Polyamory We Don’t Like to Talk About

These two issues rest in the bedrock of all polyamorous relationships, but too often they get swept under the rug

Last year, while in a poly relationship with a man I’ll call Grant, I fell in love with someone else.

Grant and I had discussed that this would happen: he was dating, I was dating, and we had already agreed on how we wanted to handle new loves when they came up. We were, after all, poly.

This wasn’t my only poly rodeo, and Grant, it’s worth noting, was married to another woman who had a steady boyfriend.

Nonetheless, when I fell in love, Grant was devastated. We were both surprised by this.

As I sought to reassure him, I discovered that his anxieties were not possible to dispel.

Why?

They were based on a clear, logical assessment of reality.

Here were the two very real concerns I discovered lurking at the foundation of our — and I believe all — poly relationships.

If you’ve been in a polyamorous relationship yourself, I’m curious how you and your partners have addressed these concerns.

1. Love may be an infinite resource in poly relationships. Time is not.

I once knew a pregnant mom who told her six-year-old daughter not to worry about her younger sibling displacing her:

“Love is infinite, and no matter how much I love the baby, I’ll have just as much love for you as ever!”

“Yeah, but you won’t have as much time,” her daughter quipped, looking sour.

Her daughter was very right.

And time matters when it comes to love:

When we talk about how we communicate love, we often talk about the five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. (There are, of course, other ways to communicate love; these are just a few.)

All of these take time.

And some may take money as well: gifts, perhaps paying a babysitter in order to have quality time without kids, etc.

Love may be infinite, but it’s the only infinite resource in the equation.

All other resources we have— time, attention, money, energy — will now need to be split between additional partners.

Grant had been used to getting a certain amount of my free time and energy, and he was correct in that I now had someone else I’d be giving to.

On reflecting, I came to realize that this is one of the reasons many partners opt for an open relationship over polyamory, although open relationships come with another unique issue.

2. The “multiple children” analogy doesn’t really work.

There’s a common analogy used by poly folks to explain how it’s possible to love multiple people at once, and even equally:

If a parent can have and love multiple children, why can’t a polyamorous person have and love multiple partners?

First off, I completely agree that it’s possible to have and love multiple partners. I’ve been both the lover and the loved in that equation, and it’s real.

But here’s the problem with this analogy:

Parent/child relationships are duty-bound, and partner/partner relationships are ones we must ongoingly choose.

In other words, no matter how needy or draining your child becomes, no matter how incompatible their interests are with yours for extended periods of time, and no matter how much more you end up “vibing” with your other children, you will still prioritize loving and taking care of the difficult child.

Having multiple kids is not a threat to the security/place in the family of any of those kids, because when the going gets tough, we never kick out a kid or replace them.

This is not the case with romantic partnerships.

At any moment, even in marriages, one partner can decide they no longer want the other.

This is true of monogamous partnerships just as much as it is of poly ones, but with poly ones, the stakes are different:

When we invest our time, energy, and heart in multiple partners, the lived consequences of ending any one of those relationships are proportionally less.

In other words, there’s less necessity to work through the bad times, or to keep spending as much time with both partners if things go rough with one of them.

Now, maybe that’s not a bad thing.

Maybe some folks will behave better knowing they aren’t the only harbor for your heart, and maybe some really bad times shouldn’t be “worked through” anyhow.

But the anxiety Grant felt knowing that I no longer had “all my eggs in one basket” was based in a very real, very logical appraisal of the situation.

Grant was correct in determining that now, not only did I have slightly less time and energy, but also less active need to repair his “basket” if and when it got worn thin.

I assured him my intentions towards him hadn’t changed, and that I was still as committed as ever to our connection. But he was right in understanding that he was no longer the sole center of my romantic life.

He felt guilty about how he felt because he knew I had never been the center of his: after all, he was married. “It’s illogical for me to feel like I do,” he confessed to me. But I could empathize: when has the heart ever been a dutiful slave to logic?

So is polyamory a bad idea?

I don’t think so.

I think that for many folks polyamory is a good idea, and for some folks, I genuinely think it’s straight up the best.

All relationship models — monogamous and non-monogamous — come with their own benefits and compromises. For example, I recently discovered some of the unique pros and cons in how the French approach monogamy vs. non-monogamy.

Different models will be right for different partners depending on their natures or culture.

The key thing, from my perspective, is that all partners deeply understand what challenges they are signing up for.

And with polyamory, this means honestly discussing the very real things that both partners will be giving up with each other in the process of having and loving other partners.

In the case of Grant and me, he discovered that our poly relationship was unsustainable for him. What worked for him in the context of a secure, long-term bond with his wife, or even potentially with other lovers, did not work for him within the context of his and my love. We ended up continuing our non-monogamous journeys separately.

I have talked with other poly folks about these two issues with polyamory, and most of them agree that these concerns are just part of the package. Those I have spoken with have felt that the benefits of polyamory, for them, still far outweigh the friction these two issues bring up.

I am curious to hear others’ experiences.