The 15-Minute Therapist Warning

How To Create Boundaries With Negative Nancy

I believe we’ve all had someone in our life who appears to always be negative, draining or heavy to be around. When you spend time in the company of these people, it can feel like they have plugged into you and sucked the life right out of you.

Do you know someone like this? Perhaps a friend or family member who seeks your counsel regularly? Do you feel exhausted after conversing or spending time with this person?

Do they dump all their negative juju all over you, leaving you feeling sick?

Perhaps this leaves you dreading answering their calls.

Here’s the thing, you are their loved one, not their therapist. You don’t need to align your beliefs or sense of reality to someone who’s got their knickers twisted into a knot.

When you have someone in your life in need of a therapist but chooses to dump their garbage thoughts and feelings over others you need to make a choice.

You are allowed to insert boundaries and alert this person that this ongoing dumping of emotional garbage isn’t always appropriate, desired or appropriate.

As a loved one, you were not born to be someone’s emotional punching bag. You’re allowed to say “no” before the relationship sours.

Here are some tips to ensure your relationship remains balanced, and that all parties get to have a turn being heard.

Check Capacity First

Here’s the thing about exchanges between people. We’re not all in the same place at the same time. It makes sense to check in with someone when you first greet them, whether on the phone or in person. This enables those who are feeling vulnerable to advise their capacity for sharing or listening.

For the person wanting to dump crap from their day, this may be hard to hear and respect the boundary. For the person receiving the offloading, this can be difficult to admit, and possibly even more challenging to enforce.

It might sound like this —

“Hey, how are you today?” If you’re the one feeling <50%, then it’s perfectly reasonable to respond like this. “I’m at 20% tonight. Can I call you back after a sleep?”

Communicate Low Capacity

It’s important to express when you’re not great. This alerts others that perhaps a deep and meaningful conversation isn’t warranted. Alternatively, when you’re less than fifty per cent, this may not be a great time for making clear-headed decisions.

It might sound like this —

“Hey, how are you today?” If you’re the one feeling <50%, then it’s perfectly reasonable to respond like this. “I’m pretty cooked / spent / tired today. I’m struggling today. Can we keep this chat light/short?”

Hopefully, the person hearing this can ask you “How long have you felt like this?” or “I’ll check in on you tomorrow”.

Take Action If Low Capacity Continue

It’s okay to not be ok, now and then. We all have days where we’ve given everything, and the tank is low. And when we get home to our safe place, it’s okay to admit our capacity for anything other than eating, bathing or going to bed early is nil.

It’s not okay, however, for your low-capacity sensation to perpetuate for weeks or months. If you’re in this space, do something about it. Do not allow lowered mood, negative thoughts, thoughts of self-harm or others to fester. When you find yourself in a dark trench, it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for someone to give you a helping hand back into the light.

Seek professional help like your GP or therapist. It’s not the role of your loved ones to fix you in this space. Their role is to support you as you climb out of the hole.

Active Listening

The RUOK website provides an abundance of resources to conduct proactive conversations.

It might go like this-

• Be prepared to listen to whatever is said to you in confidence
• Don’t try and solve their problems right away
• Have an open mind
• Don’t rush the person, or interrupt
• Let them speak in their own time
• Encourage them to explain
• Show you’ve listened by repeating back what you have heard and asking if you have understood them correctly.

It’s okay to ask if they feel better expressing themselves. It’s also okay to admit the issue is out of your expertise and you’d like to support your loved one seeking support. It’s not your job to fix someone, but you can support them to make an appointment, go with them or debrief after their session.

The 15 Minute Timer

This is by far the most productive suggestion I have shared in 2023. When I have a client who tells me that someone is dumping their negativity everywhere, just like a lingering silent fart, I share the following advice.

I’m permitting you that you’re allowed to set a timer on how much you allow yourself to be exposed to. You’re not someone’s emotional punching bag that has to absorb all their crap.

You’re allowed to set a timer and tell someone to vent to their heart’s content for 15 minutes. You’re also allowed to advise the person who is being timed, that if they still don’t feel like they have unburdened their issue, then it’s time to get a therapist and work their shit out.

You’re allowed to listen or to suggest advice once or twice. But here’s the golden rule. If you continue to hear the same complaint, from the same person, then it’s time to call bullshit. You are allowed to advise the negative Nancy that they appear to be stuck and it’s not healthy for you to continue listening to the broken record.

So many people have reported back to me that they feel amazing after limiting their exposure to these toxic conversations. The relationships have improved when it is clear that their ear space is no longer a dumping ground.

Conclusion

You’re allowed to have boundaries to protect your emotional and mental energy. You’re allowed to place limits on toxic conversations with cranky people. Remember some people love misery and don’t want to change. It doesn’t mean you have to join them in the shit pit.

Karen Humphries is a Change Facilitator — Clinical Hypnotherapist, Kinesiology Practitioner, Wellbeing Coach, Intuitive Meditation Facilitator, and Author. She is a confessed laughaholic. She loves serving the world with her humorous and positive approach to life, encouraging people to ‘choose to change and bloom from within.’

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