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Abstract

ty-big-brother-is-must-watch-cross-olympics-programming-f68017a71147">two articles</a> in a week with a hairspray joke!).</p><p id="523f">Eventually there was a straightener involved too, which sort of seemed like the opposite of curling. Is there a straightening event too? Or is that a Summer Olympic event?</p><h1 id="848a">Mass Start Biathlon</h1><p id="4bcd">I don’t know what this is, but it sounds like an AWESOME video game.</p><div id="b614" class="link-block"> <a href="https://grandstandcentral.com/the-winter-olympics-are-stupid-and-pointless-2d9a0fed687"> <div> <div> <h2>The Winter Olympics Are Stupid and Pointless</h2> <div><h3>Better to watch some snow melt, and wait for the Summer Olympics instead </h3></div> <div><p>grandstandcentral.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*g4OaqRdLfgMEASsonuU56w.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><h1 id="e849">Luge</h1><p id="99c0">Someone more immature might imply that this sounds like a huge wad of phlegm you spit out when you have a nasty cold, but we’re not going to do that.</p><p id="93f6">Instead, let’s enjoy the lyrics of a wonderful ancient ballad written about the storied athletes in this beautiful sport.</p><blockquote id="a6e1"><p>Soyyyy Un perdedor… I’m a luger, baby So why don’t you kill me?</p></blockquote><h1 id="b01e">30km Pursuit</h1><p id="e22e">How far is 30 kilometers in American?</p><p id="b989">I think it’s either 13 miles or 66 light years, but either way, this is definitely a long race. Why does Canada spell it kilometres? Is it not already different enough that they use kilometers?</p><p id="490d">And who are we pursuing? I only encounter kilometers on racing games. Is this a high-speed car chase over 30 kilometers?</p><p id="63fe">IS THIS A HIGH-SPEED CAR CHASE ON ICE??</p><h1 id="54e3">Skeleton</h1><p id="e594">In this event, the athletes take a running start then leap headfirst onto a sled and go screaming around curves down an icy mountainside at speeds that reach 80 miles an hour, often experiencing forces up to 5G.</p><p id="bdfc">You have to respect a sport that names itself after the only thing left from its athletes’ remains at the end of the race.</p><div id="c2fe" class="link-block"> <a href="https://the-cauldron.com/make-the-olympics-great-again-440117d0ce42"> <div> <div> <h2>Make The Olympics Great Again!!!</h2> <div><h3>15 quick and easy fixes to make the Olympics even more awesome</h3></div> <div><p>the-cauldron.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*qwv_ts6rG8rbEH1cv0NOjQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><h1 id="bd49">Ice Dancing</h1><p id="bf2e">Was this one of those low-budg

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et direct-to-video<i> Beauty and the Beast</i> sequels my sister used to watch? Is this the thing where everyone dresses up as Disney characters and skates around to soundtrack music for $60 a ticket while you munch on$ 14 cotton candy in the freezing-cold stands?</p><p id="4fb3">What sort of dances do they do in ice dancing? Are there smarmy judges and weekly themed performances for salsa and tango and swing ice dancing?</p><p id="b44e">Is there ice-break-dancing?</p><p id="259b">Or is that just when I awkwardly try to make small talk with girls at social events while they slowly and subtly move toward the other side of the room...</p><h1 id="c67f">Nordic Combined</h1><p id="f044">This just sounds like an infomercial.</p><p id="508a">CALL NOW AND YOU’LL RECEIVE BOTH THE ROWER <i>AND </i>THE INCLINE TRAINER <b>PLUS </b>THE TREADMILL, ALL FOR JUST 18 EASY PAYMENTS OF $79.99 AT 0% APR FOR 36 MONTHS. DON’T WAIT!!!</p><p id="5923">Hard pass.</p><h1 id="0dfd">Slopestyle</h1><p id="e1d3">At last, the long-awaited follow-up to the international Psy hit!</p><p id="9552">It’s admittedly not quite as catchy.</p><h1 id="10b7">Superpipe</h1><p id="89ab">Holy crap, J.R. Smith is going to win a gold medal.</p><p id="4778">Is Bill Walton announcing this event? Is it sponsored by Snoop Dogg? And why would anyone do a halfpipe when you can superpipe instead?</p><p id="c583">Hold up, did they just create a new event so Michael Phelps would have something to do at the Winter Olympics, too?</p><div id="008a" class="link-block"> <a href="https://the-cauldron.com/what-if-each-country-could-only-send-one-olympian-8181e3dceb6b"> <div> <div> <h2>What If Every Country Could Only Send One Olympian?</h2> <div><h3>Who would Team USA send, and how would we fare?</h3></div> <div><p>the-cauldron.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*6W1hNFu23nmNwpobSnWN1Q.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><h1 id="1692">Individual Normal Hill</h1><p id="d0c5">At last, an Olympic event for the everyman! Or the everywoman in this case, since the men predictably use a “large” hill for their version. But it’s not the size of the hill that matters, I promise.</p><p id="9422">Is anything more sad and mundane sounding than a solitary individual normal hill? It’s just a hill. It has no hill friends. There’s nothing unique or special about this hill. It’s not a grassy hill or a particularly tall or short hill.</p><p id="5c08">It’s just a normal hill, and it’s all alone.</p><p id="2cf0">Finally, something we can all relate to…</p><p id="fcab"><i>Follow Brandon on Medium or <a href="https://twitter.com/wheatonbrando">@wheatonbrando</a> for more sports, humor, TV, pop culture, and life musings. Visit the rest of Brandon’s <a href="https://readmedium.com/brandon-anderson-writing-archives-6b3ee1a29301#.6cteu050v">writing archives here</a>.</i></p></article></body>

The 13 Most Ridiculously-Named Winter Olympic Events

What’s a luge? And what the makes Super G so super? A very serious investigative report on all things Winter Olympics…

The Summer Olympics are normal. They’re casual. You already know how to run and play basketball and swim. You play badminton in your backyard and throw javelins at your kid sister.

So why do the Winter Olympics feel so foreign? Why are all the events stocked with ridiculous names and absurd rules no one understands? What in the world is a slalom or a luge? Isn’t ice dancing already a reality show on ABC? And what makes the Super G so gosh darn super?

I have a lot of questions, and I want some answers. Here are the 13 weirdest-named Winter Olympic events, all the way from gold to well-hey-at-least-you-got-to-march-in-the-Opening-Ceremonies…

17 Amazing New Events to Spice Up the Winter Olympics

Ice sculpting? Snow kiting? Worldwide snowball fight?? Please and thank you.

Super G

This G… what makes it so super?

Is this event brought to you by Sesame Street, by the number seventeen, and by financial support from viewers like you?

Is “super G” what the millennials are calling the really cool kid in class that wears a hoodie and is, like, totally rad? Is there an apartment complex run by a woman named Geraldine that is just fantastic and everyone calls her the Super G?

Moguls

Wait, Oprah is at the Winter Olympics?! Why didn’t anyone tell me??

Imagining Rupert Murdoch and Ted Turner in an Olympic skiing competition of any sort is just *chef’s kiss.*

Slalom

“Slalom” is just a silly word. Are there any other words that have a “slal” sound in them?

There are SO many kinds of slalom. There’s giant slalom. There’s parallel slalom. There’s even giant parallel slalom.

Slalom gets weirder and weirder every time you say it.

Slalom aleichem.

Curling

My sister and my mom used to compete at this on Sunday mornings before church.

The hardest part was having enough space in the outlet for everyone without throwing out the circuit breaker. It was a super flammable experience for everyone involved. I guess the critics were right; you really can’t stop the beat (two articles in a week with a hairspray joke!).

Eventually there was a straightener involved too, which sort of seemed like the opposite of curling. Is there a straightening event too? Or is that a Summer Olympic event?

Mass Start Biathlon

I don’t know what this is, but it sounds like an AWESOME video game.

The Winter Olympics Are Stupid and Pointless

Better to watch some snow melt, and wait for the Summer Olympics instead

grandstandcentral.com

Luge

Someone more immature might imply that this sounds like a huge wad of phlegm you spit out when you have a nasty cold, but we’re not going to do that.

Instead, let’s enjoy the lyrics of a wonderful ancient ballad written about the storied athletes in this beautiful sport.

Soyyyy Un perdedor… I’m a luger, baby So why don’t you kill me?

30km Pursuit

How far is 30 kilometers in American?

I think it’s either 13 miles or 66 light years, but either way, this is definitely a long race. Why does Canada spell it kilometres? Is it not already different enough that they use kilometers?

And who are we pursuing? I only encounter kilometers on racing games. Is this a high-speed car chase over 30 kilometers?

IS THIS A HIGH-SPEED CAR CHASE ON ICE??

Skeleton

In this event, the athletes take a running start then leap headfirst onto a sled and go screaming around curves down an icy mountainside at speeds that reach 80 miles an hour, often experiencing forces up to 5G.

You have to respect a sport that names itself after the only thing left from its athletes’ remains at the end of the race.

Make The Olympics Great Again!!!

15 quick and easy fixes to make the Olympics even more awesome

the-cauldron.com

Ice Dancing

Was this one of those low-budget direct-to-video Beauty and the Beast sequels my sister used to watch? Is this the thing where everyone dresses up as Disney characters and skates around to soundtrack music for $60 a ticket while you munch on $14 cotton candy in the freezing-cold stands?

What sort of dances do they do in ice dancing? Are there smarmy judges and weekly themed performances for salsa and tango and swing ice dancing?

Is there ice-break-dancing?

Or is that just when I awkwardly try to make small talk with girls at social events while they slowly and subtly move toward the other side of the room...

Nordic Combined

This just sounds like an infomercial.

CALL NOW AND YOU’LL RECEIVE BOTH THE ROWER AND THE INCLINE TRAINER PLUS THE TREADMILL, ALL FOR JUST 18 EASY PAYMENTS OF $79.99 AT 0% APR FOR 36 MONTHS. DON’T WAIT!!!

Hard pass.

Slopestyle

At last, the long-awaited follow-up to the international Psy hit!

It’s admittedly not quite as catchy.

Superpipe

Holy crap, J.R. Smith is going to win a gold medal.

Is Bill Walton announcing this event? Is it sponsored by Snoop Dogg? And why would anyone do a halfpipe when you can superpipe instead?

Hold up, did they just create a new event so Michael Phelps would have something to do at the Winter Olympics, too?

What If Every Country Could Only Send One Olympian?

Who would Team USA send, and how would we fare?

the-cauldron.com

Individual Normal Hill

At last, an Olympic event for the everyman! Or the everywoman in this case, since the men predictably use a “large” hill for their version. But it’s not the size of the hill that matters, I promise.

Is anything more sad and mundane sounding than a solitary individual normal hill? It’s just a hill. It has no hill friends. There’s nothing unique or special about this hill. It’s not a grassy hill or a particularly tall or short hill.

It’s just a normal hill, and it’s all alone.

Finally, something we can all relate to…

Follow Brandon on Medium or @wheatonbrando for more sports, humor, TV, pop culture, and life musings. Visit the rest of Brandon’s writing archives here.