The 11 Traits of Utterly Unfuckwithable People
Character-building advice from one abominable fuckwit to another.
Like any good ambivert, I’m a people watcher. I’m also a people collector. I suppose that makes me a creeping collector. As a creepy collector, I’ve had a chance to notice the traits that I value the most in my creepy collected circle of creatures. I’ve even adapted some of them — partially through practice, some through sheer osmosis.
And some traits stand out the most.
Below are traits that seem to make these people utterly unfuckwithable.
Unfuckwithable
What the fuck does ‘unfuckwithable’ mean? It’s unshakeability. It means their base as a person is so strong it may sway with the winds but it won’t shake, crumble, or break. Or to quote that Mark Marron song, “The house don’t fall when the bones are good”.
“The green reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the mighty oak which breaks in a storm.”~Confucius
Years ago I took some classes in Kenpo, a Japanese martial art. I didn’t get very far; I’d classify my belt level as transparent. But I’ll never forget the lesson about stance. Martial arts stances are an art all in themselves, but for the sake of brevity, it’s your feet shoulder-width apart, staggered (for stability), angled feet, and a low center of gravity. That’s the one I learned during my transparent-belt lessons anyway.
No matter which direction you’re pushed from, in this stance, you’re (relatively) stable. It’s proved helpful on subways, in turbulent planes, and during earthquakes.
Unfuckwithability is having this stance engrained in your soul.
It doesn’t mean you’re a superhero and can stop speeding trains and bullets with your abs. Or that you should fight that loudmouth at the bar. It’s just a solid stance to help you sway but not break in life.
The 11 Traits of Utterly Unfuckwithable People
Looking back at all the people I’ve collected over the years, who range from bar flies to MBAs — there are certain traits that the most balanced people seem to possess.
1. They Give Selective Fucks
The term “I don’t give a fuck” is an aggressive one. It also means they don’t care. I like to joke that I ran out of fucks to give in the summer of ’97, but I still have a few fucks in my pockets for special occasions.
The level beyond ‘I don’t give a fuck’ is giving selective fucks. People who care deeply about the world around them, and are the most successful in navigating that world care… selectively. They dole out their limited fucks carefully.
After all, you can’t fill the bucket of others, or the world — if your fuck bucket is empty. And there are only so many fucks to go around.
2. They Show, Not Tell
They demonstrate with actions. Words are as cheap as they are plentiful. People talk a lot of game, but unfuckwithable people demonstrate with actions. This is the old idiom of ‘actions speak louder than words’ put into practice.
Words are abundant and often repeated, but if you show people, you only have to show them once. Actions leave a greater impact.
3. They Recognize Time as a Resource
Time is a resource, and it feeds into the selective fucks example above. Unfuckwithable-ers don’t overcommit only to let others down. They value other people’s time — and they require you to value theirs.
4. They’re Introspective
And they’re good at it. The most unfuckwithable people don’t spend time in their heads having imaginary conversations that they win. The time in their head is spent seeing every possible outlook to their own behavior. Especially the hardest-to-admit ones.
If there’s a quality of their character or decision-making that they don’t like — they take note and take proactive steps to change it.
5. They Treat Servers Nice
They don’t judge people by how they treat their bosses, coworkers, or other people who could provide them an advantage. They judge people by how they treat people who can do nothing for them, like service workers. And they treat them with respect and empathy. That’s their true colors, and they pay attention to that detail in others.
6. They Lack Ego
Have you ever noticed it's hard(er) to suck up to people who aren’t susceptible to it? That’s a lack of ego; it’s humility, but not to a painstaking degree.
While we’re all the lead roles in our own lifetime movies, the most unshakable people don’t have main character syndrome. They don’t need to.
7. They Simplify Complex Problems
They recognize that even life’s most complex problems can be boiled down to simpler ones. It’s a fractions approach to life. In fractions you reduce the numbers to their lowest terms, so 24/108 is reduced to a much more manageable 2/9.
Simpler problems are easier to solve.
For example, my friend Kat wanted to become a medical doctor. Instead of finding that daunting, she broke it down into steps: get a bachelor's degree, pass the MCAT, apply to medical school, try not to die from exhaustion during medical school, then pass the licensing exams. Each one of those alone can be daunting and can be broken down further. For example, the 7.5-hour MCAT can be broken down into 4 sections.
They reduce everything down to the lowest possible fraction — and create action plans from the individual pieces.
8. They Know What They Don’t Know
The smarter someone is, the more they know all the things they don’t know. Unfuckwithable people don’t see this as a weakness but as a powerhouse strength. Because knowing your knowledge gaps is the first step to getting the answers you need.
For example, Kat is a smart cookie. She’s a doctor. But, she’s an ophthalmologist. If someone asks her about their liver, she knows to refer them to a hepatologist.
9. They Aren’t Crabs
I lived in Mexico for over a decade and my best friend Ceci taught me a lot. But my favorite lesson from her was about ‘crab mentality’ people. It’s based on how crab fishermen can toss crabs in a bucket and they won’t get out. If one gets close to the top, the others will pull him back down.
Crabs pull others back down. Nobody gets out, nobody wins. Nobody gets out of the bucket so nobody can help others do the same.
People with a solid stance can boost people out of the bucket, and when they’re out, they’ll reach back in to get the others.
10. They Don’t Use Leveling
Leveling is a way of establishing your place in the world through comparisons with others. Some are ahead of you, others, behind. People who want to level the playing field do so by pushing others down (again, crabs) so they’re on top.
Levelers essentially Kobayashi-Maru their way through life by cheating the system. They set the odds in their favor by manipulation, despite never actually advancing themselves.
Unfuckwithable people lift others up, recognizing it is only through comparison that they can level up in life.
11. They Build Others Up (Into a Network)
A funny thing happens when you’re the cheerleader for others. Often, they cheer back. Unfuckwithable people are stronger because of the network of people they build. Not a parasitic network, but one they build mutualistically.
The unfuckwithables will happily share their expertise and knowledge. They aren’t worried about creating competitors because they recognize they are creating contemporaries. While the best ones do it with no expectations, they end up with a network of people they’ve built up who would move heaven and earth to help them.
They create an army. An army of people who will pick them up when they fall. It’s their own personal ‘fuck around and find out’ squad.
Be Unfuckwithable
Phew, that was a lot. Nobody said being unfuckwithable was easy. If it was — everyone would do it. But reduced down to its basic steps it’s conquerable.
And here are the steps recapped:
- Give Selective Fucks
- Show, Not Tell
- Recognize Time as a Resource
- Be Introspective
- Treat Servers Nice
- Lack Ego (Gain Humility)
- Simplify Complex Problems
- Know What You Don’t Know
- Don’t Be a Crab in a Bucket
- Don’t Use Leveling
- Build Others Up (Into a Network)
The traits above are all about building a solid, rock-steady, unfuckwithable base (your life ‘stance’). After all, without a base — it’s harder to go base jumping.
