Summary

The author shares 11 key tools and lessons learned from over five years of therapy that have been instrumental in managing emotions, handling struggles, and improving mental health.

Abstract

The article titled "The 11 Most Helpful Tools and Lessons I Learned From 5+ Years of Therapy" discusses the transformative impact of therapy on the author's life. Through personal experiences, the author outlines therapeutic techniques such as the Model of Emotions, radical acceptance, opposite action, and the distinction between feelings and facts. These tools have empowered the author to navigate complex emotions, set boundaries, and change unhelpful thought patterns. The piece emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, personal agency, and the acceptance of circumstances beyond one's control. It also provides practical advice on coping mechanisms, such as the use of distractions and the value of talking through problems, while highlighting the significance of not compromising one's values to please others. The author encourages readers to prioritize their mental health and suggests resources for therapy, including affordable options, reinforcing the message that everyone is deserving of a positive and healthy life.

Opinions

The author expresses a strong personal belief in the life-saving benefits of therapy, suggesting it has been pivotal in their emotional growth and well-being.
There is an emphasis on the power of changing one's interpretation of events and thoughts to alter emotional outcomes.
The author advocates for setting personal boundaries and the importance of not feeling obligated to do things that one is uncomfortable with.
The concept of "radical acceptance" is presented as a necessary step in dealing with situations that cannot be changed, indicating a philosophy of embracing reality as it is.
The author promotes the idea of "opposite action" as a method for breaking the cycle of negative emotions and behaviors.
A key opinion is that feelings are not facts, which challenges the reader to question the validity of their emotional responses and perceptions.
The use of distractions is seen as a valid coping strategy, provided it is balanced with addressing problems when appropriate.
The author asserts that individuals have control over their own actions and reactions, even if they cannot control the actions of others.
There is a strong opinion about the role of personal boundaries in teaching others how to treat you, suggesting that setting and maintaining these boundaries

The 11 Most Helpful Tools and Lessons I Learned From 5+ Years of Therapy

Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but I love therapy.

Don’t get me wrong, therapy can be emotional and difficult, but it also gives me a lot of insight that helps me handle my emotions and struggles. I’ve learned tools and sentiments that totally change my perspective and help me feel better when I’m overwhelmed and don’t know what to do.

Essentially, therapy probably saved my life.

While I’ve learned countless tools and lessons, I want to share the main 11 that come to mind in hopes they help others with similar challenges.

1. The Model of Emotions

According to this model, in which you can see the chart here, a “prompting event” can occur. The way we interpret this event, as well as vulnerability factors, play a role in how we feel afterwards. We may then have a secondary feeling after that first feeling. Through this model, we can figure out what aspect we want to work on in therapy, and how we can stop one aspect from leading to the next in a negative way.

For example, a friend may be short with me. I may be feeling tired, so between my tiredness and my friend’s unkind words, I may believe that I did something wrong and that I’m a bad friend. In turn, I may feel guilty. Then, I may feel upset that I’ve been feeling guilty so often.

In order to avoid this chain of events, I can change a couple things. I can try to get more sleep so I’m less vulnerable to negative emotions. I can also change the way I interpret my thoughts and feelings, realizing that maybe my friend was short with me because they’re stressed, and that I’m not a bad person.

2. Know You’re More Powerful Than You Think

I often feel like I’m powerless to the challenges I face. I believe if someone says I have to do something, then I have to do it. This could partially have to deal with my fear of conflict and others’ mistreatment. However, I’m my own person, and I’m an adult now. Saying no sometimes is perfectly okay; I’m allowed to set and maintain boundaries with others.

3. Don’t Judge Unhelpful Thoughts

I’m quick to judge my thoughts. I ask myself why I’m feeling them; I’m annoyed that I’m struggling with them. I get upset with myself for feeling sad and overwhelmed often. I worry about what others think. Instead of judging myself for having those unhelpful thoughts, I can say, “That’s an interesting thought I’m having,” and think about something else.

4. Radical Acceptance

Sometimes I’m stuck in situations or stuck with people that hurt my mental health. While I can make helpful changes and set boundaries, I can’t control every aspect. In those situations, I have to accept the circumstances as well as what I can and can’t change.

5. Opposite Action

When I’m feeling sad, I can choose to go watch my favorite show instead of just lying in bed. When I’m feeling angry, I can choose to be nice to someone instead of being short with them. When I want to use food to handle my emotions, I can choose to talk about my struggles with a loved one instead. In other words, if I want to engage in an unhelpful action, I can choose to engage in a more helpful one instead.

6. Feelings Aren’t Facts

I’m quick to believe that every worry, emotion and feeling is factual, when in reality, it has no factual basis. I’m overly perceptive, often believing that people are annoyed with me or are judging me, when they’re really just dealing with their own issues or aren’t feeling as chipper. “Feelings aren’t facts” is a helpful mantra of sorts for me that reminds me not every belief I have is true. When I look at the facts, I realize that I don’t really have a reason to worry.

7. Distractions Are Key

When I’m feeling sad or triggered, I can easily slip into letting myself stay in that state or engaging in an unhealthy coping mechanism. However, through therapy I’ve learned how helpful distractions can be. Distractions can include watching TikTok or YouTube videos, reading in the bath, playing a game on my phone or texting a friend. These distractions keep my mind off the challenges I’m facing and put me in at least a more neutral mood.

8. It’s Okay to Avoid Your Problems, and It’s Okay to Talk About Them

It’s okay to avoid my problems through distractions sometimes because I just need to get through the moment or the day. It’s also okay to talk about those problems and work through them. I have to learn how to logistically and emotionally handle the challenges and traumas I go through, letting myself feel as much as I need to feel. I have to listen to my body and think about my circumstances to figure out when which option is best. For example, if I’m about to give a presentation or go to work, a distraction might be helpful, whereas if I have some time and a friend who can listen, talking through my problems is likely best.

9. Don’t Offer to Do Something You Don’t Want To

I’m a people-pleaser and I care too much about what others think of me. I hate and am scared of conflict more than almost anything. These traits lead me to feel like I need to offer to do things or pay for things that I really would rather not. In therapy, I learned I don’t have to offer to do something I don’t want to do. While I want to be fair and do my part, I also don’t have to do too much.

10. We Can’t Control Others, Only Ourselves

I’ve dealt with people who’ve treated me badly, in which I’ve felt powerless and defeated. I’ve learned that while I can’t control how they treat me most of the time, I can control how I handle the situation. If someone upsets me, I can make the choice to go talk to people who support me. If someone continually mistreats me, I can set boundaries around how often I see them.

11. You Teach People How to Treat You

However, at the same time, I can sometimes teach people how to treat me. When people keep breaking my boundaries through making me work on weekends, for example, I have to stop working on weekends to show that I won’t do that because it’s not okay with me. When people keep using me, through only giving me attention when they want to without considering my feelings, for example, I have to stop giving into the temptation of responding to them. By not letting people break my boundaries or use me, I’m not giving them the positive reinforcement they want and that will cause them to continue.

While I hope these tools and lessons help, remember that we all have different situations and needs, and that we all could benefit from therapy, no matter how well we’re doing. You can filter through therapists, psychiatrists, support groups and treatment centers through this Psychology Today database.

If those options are too expensive, check out these more affordable options as well as these therapy worksheets.

You are worthy of living a positive, healthy life. Take steps today to get there, and you’ll be grateful, I promise.