The #1 Rule if You Are Ever Going to Try to Help Someone

Always protect yourself first. Because in the end, you are all you have, and if you lose yourself, it’s over.

“If someone who is sinking has their hands around your neck and is pulling you down, you are not obligated to drown with them.”

- Jordan Peterson

This quote comes from the following video clip of Jordan Peterson. While I don’t always agree with everything he says, I completely agree with him here.

Trying to save people who cannot be saved

Peterson’s advice strikes a chord with me. Years ago, I went through a phase where I tried to help people a lot.

Why?

Because I was on a self-improvement journey and wanted to take other people along with me.

In 2004, I had a bit of a health crisis. After that, I made huge efforts to improve my health — both physically AND mentally.

So, if I saw somebody whose life seemed to be falling apart, I felt compelled to help them. There were two particular people who stand out in my mind:

• My girlfriend who had paranoid schizophrenia. She was on medication when I first met her, so she wasn’t too bad. But then she came off her medication and everything fell apart. I tried desperately to help her, but it was no good, and the whole thing ended badly.
• My friend whose whole life just seemed to be a series of disasters. He didn’t know how to feed himself properly, how to manage his money, or how to organise himself. I tried to help him with those things, but it didn’t really work.

Why did I fail at helping those people?

In hindsight, there are two reasons why my efforts were in vain:

1. What worked for me might not work for others. I had found things that had worked for me. But everyone is different, so it was naive of me to believe I had all the answers.
2. They weren’t able to help themselves. Someone has to have the strength and ability to at least meet you halfway. Otherwise, you just end up doing everything for them like a carer. The best-case scenario is that it works but then you have to keep doing it. But the worst-case scenario is that it fails and you’ve wasted your time and energy.

Taking care of yourself is not selfish

In the end, you are all you’ve got. If you lose yourself, it’s over. If your own health suffers, you will no longer be able to help anyone.

Ultimately, taking care of yourself can be one of the least selfish things you can do. The best way you stand a chance of being able to help to others is to keep yourself in good shape.

As Peterson says, lifeguards are taught to jump into the water with their hands and feet outwards. In that position, they are better able to protect themselves. The goal is to stay afloat while trying to rescue the other person. The goal is not to drown along with them.

Helping people is great if done properly

Please don’t misunderstand Jordan Peterson’s advice. He’s not saying we should never help people. He’s just warning us about extreme situations where people are beyond help.

Below is another video where he says that helping other people is one of the most rewarding things you can do.

And this is why we need to be careful. Because helping other people makes us feel good. It makes us feel needed and important. It can be addictive. So we need to be careful we don’t go too far and neglect ourselves in the process.

People are naturally drawn toward people who are productive, reliable, straightforward and generous. Make everyone else around you better and everyone will want to play with you. The better a person you are, the more likely you are to get what you want in life.

But taking care of yourself is a big part of that equation. Nobody wants to be around somebody who has let themselves go to shit while trying to save others. Even the people you’re trying to save might not want to be around you then.

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