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Abstract

1 mistake Survivors make is focusing on a narcissist’s potential rather than the present reality.This is a difficult pill to swallow and accepting the narcissistic individual for who they really are does take time to sink in. It is not easy to let go of all the love and effort you put into the narcissistic relationship. There were good times and fond memories. If you continue to focus on the happy times, not only will you remain stuck in the past but you will be playing a continuously dangerous game of Russian roulette with your heart.Fact: narcissists are <a href="https://medium.com/@dana.csca/3-sneaky-ways-narcissists-pull-a-fast-one-on-you-1920f1799dd2">terrific actors!</a> Those times they treated you well, which most likely was not very often, it was just a ruse to get what they wanted from you: attention, admiration, adoration — ya know, what we here call <a href="https://medium.com/@dana.csca/when-narcissists-become-parents-0eb683d888c9">“The Three A’s”.</a> Money, sex, favors, the list goes on. If you continue to believe in a narcissist’s fake persona, you are setting yourself up for more disappointment and future heartbreak.It is nice to have fond memories. If you find it unbearable to let go, store those momentos and photos in a shoe box and bury it in the backyard! Delete those screenshots of you two at a seemingly “happy” time because it wasn’t real. Another hard pill to swallow, but taking medicine yields healthy results, yeah?I had come to my own realization that I too had been guilty of focusing on my narc’s potential versus my bleak reality. He said he loved me, he said he wanted to find the time to build a relationship, he showered me with adoration and accepted me into his circle for a brief moment in time. So all of that lights a fire (gaslighting 101) under my hope that there exists the possibility of a future for us.Maybe you have come to this realization for yourself but are afraid to miss out on the possibilities.What if I don’t give them another chance and I miss out on what I wanted with them all along?That is a constant concern weighing on my mind as well. I honestly still struggle with this misstep of focusing on what a great person he could be if he were simply willing to get professional help. Narcissists do possess certain qualities that people find endearing: they are successful, intelligent, determined, etc. Yet they yield the wrong motives. Anytime I would hope my narc was finally about to treat me with a shred of human decency and respect, I would have to remind myself of the false hope from the past that never produced any fruit yet always yielded the same disappointment time after time after time. NGL — it’s still happening! He is relentless with his ho

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overing attempts and I admit, friend, I am tempted to give him another chance. But I know I have to ignore the false hope in my heart. My heart yearns for the genuine version of him that is simply a facade. I have to remind myself constantly that he is not that person.When you start thinking about your narcissistic partner, friend, relative — when you start missing them remind yourself of all the terrible ways they treated you. Ask yourself: do you really miss being devalued? Did you enjoy being disrespected or disregarded? How about that smear campaign they created about you to protect their own reputation? Was that fair? Don’t forget about all the times they manipulated you right to your face as if you were none the wiser. How they would give you the duper’s smirk, looking at you like you are stupid.YOU. DON’T. MISS. THAT.But that’s exactly what you are asking for if you invite the narcissist back into your life.My advice to you, friend, is to save this article as a <a href="https://medium.com/@dana.csca/10-female-power-anthems-you-need-to-heal-from-narcissistic-abuse-now-9b7ced0d518e">reminder</a> for when the person with NPD in your life starts circling from above, ready to devour your heart, mind, and soul like a ravenous vulture. Arm yourself with this knowledge and you will be prepared to just say “no” to that drug of choice. We owe it to ourselves to allow a promising destiny into our lives. Holding onto toxicity of the past in the hope for change only hinders the future.YOU HAVE POTENTIAL. YOUR FUTURE HOLDS POTENTIAL.The narcissist in your life does not. That is the reality.<figure id="02af"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*qqfsk5vAeNGsq_mD"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@j_wozy?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Jordan Wozniak</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure>It’s hard to admit there was a time when I wasn’t educated enough to see through the narcissists’ evil ways. But it’s even harder to withhold these experiences because I know there are other empathetic persons out there who feel just as lost broken, and betrayed as I did. Let’s create a safe space to discuss our pain points and our healing. Please clap and comment if this article helped you in any way, or if you’d like to read similar articles of mine. Because trust me, I have A LOT to share when it comes to surviving NPD abuse!For now, take care, friend and God bless.DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I AM A SURVIVOR OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE WHO HOPES TO HELP OTHER VICTIMS/SURVIVORS ON THEIR JOURNEY TO HEALING. I’M HERE IF YOU NEED TO TALK.</article></body>

The #1 Reason You Can’t Move On From a Narcissistic Relationship

Survivors need to focus on a different horizon. Add this to your reading list; you’re gonna need it.

I have to hand it to you, friend. The way you bounced back from narcissistic abuse is quite admirable. You are definitely determined. I admire your optimism and your willingness to think positively and forgive, that’s for sure. But the time has come for your fellow Survivor to give it to you straight. You need to snap out of it!

You see, it does not matter whether the narcissist in your life was a friend, a relative, or a romantic partner — the outcome will always be the same. You realize it is nearly impossible to maintain a healthy bond with such a toxic individual. Yet it is so hard not to reminisce about all of the good times had, isn’t it? I am guilty of that too. The trouble with being a kind, caring, loving, and empathetic soul is that we always try to find a way to dismiss a narcissist’s toxicity. We truly want to believe that there is good in everyone. We have to dig deep to find where the good may rest in a person suffering with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That is no easy task because unfortunately in my experience having dealt with several narcissists reveals they are 90% toxic and maybe 10% genuine. That ratio may even be more accurate at 95% -5%. They simply cannot be trusted. They will continue to fall short of being a decent human being and you will always be left disappointed.

Reality check, Survivor: you are letting yourself down! It’s finally time to stop blaming the narcissist!

“Wait, where did this come from?” you are probably wondering right now. How can you be responsible for your own heartache when the narcissist is the one who caused all the damage? Hear me out because there comes a point in your situation when the tables turn and you are then accountable for either your own misery or happiness. It becomes your choice. Once the narcissist reveals their true self, that is when you have to stop believing in any “What if?” scenarios.

Friend, the #1 mistake Survivors make is focusing on a narcissist’s potential rather than the present reality.

This is a difficult pill to swallow and accepting the narcissistic individual for who they really are does take time to sink in. It is not easy to let go of all the love and effort you put into the narcissistic relationship. There were good times and fond memories. If you continue to focus on the happy times, not only will you remain stuck in the past but you will be playing a continuously dangerous game of Russian roulette with your heart.

Fact: narcissists are terrific actors! Those times they treated you well, which most likely was not very often, it was just a ruse to get what they wanted from you: attention, admiration, adoration — ya know, what we here call “The Three A’s”. Money, sex, favors, the list goes on. If you continue to believe in a narcissist’s fake persona, you are setting yourself up for more disappointment and future heartbreak.

It is nice to have fond memories. If you find it unbearable to let go, store those momentos and photos in a shoe box and bury it in the backyard! Delete those screenshots of you two at a seemingly “happy” time because it wasn’t real. Another hard pill to swallow, but taking medicine yields healthy results, yeah?

I had come to my own realization that I too had been guilty of focusing on my narc’s potential versus my bleak reality. He said he loved me, he said he wanted to find the time to build a relationship, he showered me with adoration and accepted me into his circle for a brief moment in time. So all of that lights a fire (gaslighting 101) under my hope that there exists the possibility of a future for us.

Maybe you have come to this realization for yourself but are afraid to miss out on the possibilities.

What if I don’t give them another chance and I miss out on what I wanted with them all along?

That is a constant concern weighing on my mind as well. I honestly still struggle with this misstep of focusing on what a great person he could be if he were simply willing to get professional help. Narcissists do possess certain qualities that people find endearing: they are successful, intelligent, determined, etc. Yet they yield the wrong motives. Anytime I would hope my narc was finally about to treat me with a shred of human decency and respect, I would have to remind myself of the false hope from the past that never produced any fruit yet always yielded the same disappointment time after time after time. NGL — it’s still happening! He is relentless with his hoovering attempts and I admit, friend, I am tempted to give him another chance. But I know I have to ignore the false hope in my heart. My heart yearns for the genuine version of him that is simply a facade. I have to remind myself constantly that he is not that person.

When you start thinking about your narcissistic partner, friend, relative — when you start missing them remind yourself of all the terrible ways they treated you. Ask yourself: do you really miss being devalued? Did you enjoy being disrespected or disregarded? How about that smear campaign they created about you to protect their own reputation? Was that fair? Don’t forget about all the times they manipulated you right to your face as if you were none the wiser. How they would give you the duper’s smirk, looking at you like you are stupid.

YOU. DON’T. MISS. THAT.

But that’s exactly what you are asking for if you invite the narcissist back into your life.

My advice to you, friend, is to save this article as a reminder for when the person with NPD in your life starts circling from above, ready to devour your heart, mind, and soul like a ravenous vulture. Arm yourself with this knowledge and you will be prepared to just say “no” to that drug of choice. We owe it to ourselves to allow a promising destiny into our lives. Holding onto toxicity of the past in the hope for change only hinders the future.

YOU HAVE POTENTIAL. YOUR FUTURE HOLDS POTENTIAL.

The narcissist in your life does not. That is the reality.

It’s hard to admit there was a time when I wasn’t educated enough to see through the narcissists’ evil ways. But it’s even harder to withhold these experiences because I know there are other empathetic persons out there who feel just as lost broken, and betrayed as I did. Let’s create a safe space to discuss our pain points and our healing. Please clap and comment if this article helped you in any way, or if you’d like to read similar articles of mine. Because trust me, I have A LOT to share when it comes to surviving NPD abuse!

For now, take care, friend and God bless.

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I AM A SURVIVOR OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE WHO HOPES TO HELP OTHER VICTIMS/SURVIVORS ON THEIR JOURNEY TO HEALING. I’M HERE IF YOU NEED TO TALK.