The Power of Vulnerability: A Life-Changing Lesson from Couples Counseling

Discovering the Key to Deeper Connection and Lasting Love

Let’s face it. It doesn't require a Doctorate of Psychology nor a big, blue, 1st place ribbon for perfect therapy attendance, to understand that healthy communication is the big ticket item for ironing out any relationship woes and fostering a successful partnership.

Communication. Communication. Communication.

At the core of our human experience and woven throughout all of our interpersonal relationships, is an innate sense to be received, heard, and to be authentically understood.

It is within this understanding that we gain a sense of acceptance and belonging.

From an ingenuous sense of belonging, we innately craft experiences of connection and love.

Imagine, two deserted islands, side by side.

When we don't feel heard or understood, we tend to feel naturally disconnected. This can quickly breed frustration, confusion, misperception, and a sense of loneliness.

If this disconnect isn't repaired quickly, it's a short matter of time before each island becomes inhabited, claimed independently by two righteous chiefs ready to defend their position at all costs.

Left uncorrected, it doesn't get better.

What begins as either a perceived or unperceived civil disunion of two islands and their respective genial chiefs, naturally degrades into a resentful sea of fortified battlegrounds, often curated and protected with a silent and admissible justification.

So ideally…

We want to inhabit the same island in a unified team effort within all of our closest relationships.

If we are harboring feelings of ‘Me against the world’…it internalizes as ‘me against YOU’…which simply isn’t sustainable.

But, ‘US against the world…’ that’s encouraging.

A safe space, protected and defended ‘together’.

A shared space of belonging to be heard, to be understood, to feel and be loved.

That is what we all want deep down in our guts. Like a core-feeling hidden treasure buried deep in the center of each chief’s deserted island.

What’s the best tip for (re)building or maintaining a unified alliance?

State what you need. Not what you don’t need.

Express what you want. Not what you don’t want.

It really is that simple.

Often, it’s the simplest tweaks in communication that are the most effective.

A small switch in perspective and language can shift the entire experience and interaction for all involved.

Think about it.

Imagine how we might quickly react if our partner said, “You never listen to me.” or “I hate it when you don't listen to me.”

The majority of us would receive this statement as ‘ATTACK’ and without even a conscious thought, instinctively go into defense mode and begin spewing the even harsher counter-attack.

Now imagine how we might respond if our partner instead stated, “I need to feel heard.”

Of course, anyone steeped in and living primarly from a defensive position, can react defensively and begin attacking, no matter the carefully curated intent of language used. But I mean, cmon. Reasonably speaking, where can you even go with a vulnerable statement like that?

We are simply communicating from a place of “I”, not pointing a finger of “You”.

We are directly focusing on the positive energy vs. the negative, and ultimately, the outlook of correct and repair vs. dwell and resent.

That simple shift in communication manages to remove any direct or indirect spoken attack and counter-defensive response. It alchemizes perceivable inflammatory language and replaces it with assertive, yet vulnerable language and accountable self-boundary.

Respond vs. React

Consider for a moment, that…

To react is to communicate from a sense of protection and defense, often a counterattack in disguise.

To respond is to communicate from a level, equal ground, with conscious intention and mindfulness.

You never do anything to help out around the house. > Reaction inducing

It would be helpful if didn’t come home and go straight to the t.v. > Reaction

I need to feel supported as a team when it comes to all the extra household duties after work. > Response

You are always going out with your friends every chance you get! > Reaction

I want for you to not abandon me to go hang out with your friends all the time. > Reaction

I want to feel like I am a priority in your life. > Response

Stating what you need vs. what you don’t need, allows space for the listener to acknowledge first that they’ve heard you (validated your feelings), and then an opportunity to ask for clarification such as, “What does that look like to you”?

I want to feel like I am a priority in your life…

That could look like…assigning one day a week for just us, no outsiders or distractions. Maybe we could get takeout and watch movies all night? Or maybe we could take a walk with the dogs and have a nice dinner?

What do you think?

Perhaps it’s not the end-all-be-all to saving a damaged relationship, let alone a toxic one.

However, for a relationship in which both sides truly do want to listen and understand, and are committed to refortifying a healthy partnership built from love, belonging, and trust, this one small tool is a significant start.

What it does, is open up the lines for active listening, vulnerability, accountability, assertive communication, and empathetic compromise.

Often, we find ourselves feeling stranded on separate islands and unable to even recognize when it was that we managed to drift apart.

It may come as a surprise when applying the needs practice, that contrary to what we may think, we don’t actually know our partner’s authentic needs.

Whether a relationship is in jeopardy or not, communicating our individual emotional needs can be a useful and healthy communication tool.

Begin Your Practice with a Broad Approach

It can be interesting to discover how quickly and unassumingly we fall back into expressing what we don't want and don't like from the other person vs. what we do.

I need to feel trusted.

That could look like a mutual understanding that it’s okay to have independent friendships outside of our relationship.

Or.

I need to feel heard.

That could look like making it a priority not to be distracted by devices while one person is talking or engaging with the other.

Right? All this time…who knew your partner didn't feel trusted?

State your needs with gentle intent.

Open your hearts and your ears.

Actively listen.

Cocreate a new understanding. A new belonging.

Dig up your buried treasures of empathy, love, and joy.

Find your island and stake your claim, together.

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