Flint & Steel Writing Challenge: Autumn 2022

That Time When I Finally Graduated

And … got the honors certificate to boot!

When I headed off to university, my family had great hopes for me to get a Bachelor’s Degree so that I could get a good job. But things don’t always go as planned.

After 5 years and my grades sinking faster than the Titanic, I was sent a letter from the university and told to not return. I couldn’t let that be the final answer so I made an appointment with the Dean’s office.

On the day of my meeting, I was told that I would meet with the Associate Dean, who after I asked for a second chance responded with, “No. No you cannot. You cannot continue nor will you ever be able to return to this university…

and

you will never, ever be able to go to another accredited university.”

I felt like my dreams and the dreams of my parents crumbled with this ogre’s words.

His words were not only unkind, they were cruel. For someone to speak so callously and know that they are crushing a person’s spirit is like killing a baby and walking around with the blood on your hands.

My dad sat next to me in this meeting. He said nothing.

When we left the ogre’s office, I asked my dad, “why didn’t you say anything?!”

“Well, it was obvious he was a jackass. What was the point?”

My dad never used a swear word.

Ever.

So, using the word “jackass” was the worst it ever got with him. That meant he was incensed and didn’t know how to console his daughter.

But my dad was also a pacifist. He didn’t believe in mincing words. His quiet exit was enough of a message.

Later — years later — I got married and this gnawing feeling to return to school and finish what I started just wouldn’t go away. I tried swatting it away like you would a fly, but no.

One day, I mentioned it to my husband who promptly responded with, “why not?”

Think of the deer-in-headlights look. That was me. I was dumbfounded. I admit I wanted him to tell me no. Let that dream go. Just do you in another way.

But he saw behind that shiny veneer and nudged me to pursue my dreams. He also knew I was scared shitless.

He gently walked beside me as I applied, went for an interview, got accepted (ha! you ogre!), and diligently completed my Bachelor’s degree at the age of 51. It was an accelerated program that, if done according to plan, meant a student would graduate in 18 months.

Did I mention I’m a perfectionist and overachiever? Both challenging cylinders were firing during that 18 months. But I finished! I collapsed afterward (and not in a good way), but I finished.

Finish Bachelor’s Degree—check!

Because I still carried the trauma of my first experience, right before graduation, I called the office to get some information about graduation. I then proceeded to ask about graduating with honors. I needed to prove to myself that I was worthy. I know, don’t say it.

The very nice woman on the phone said, “Well, we normally grant honors certificates to students who complete their entire program at our school.”

“Oh.” There was a pause while I picked up my heart from the floor. “Thank you,” I whispered before hanging up.

Graduation day arrived and both my husband and I were so excited.

And then it got to that point where they were announcing the honors students. My throat suddenly felt scratchy as I gulped. It’s ok, you got this. You’re here and you’re graduating. It’s ok. It’s gonna’ be ok.

I felt a poke in my side. “They just called your name,” my classmate said.

What?!

My legs began to shake as I stood. I remember everything went into slow motion as I walked up to receive my honors certificate. I was one of two students in the entire graduating class. Eek! It was as if God knew I needed this as the cherry on top of the redemption.

And to Mr. Ogre, I know you’re probably not alive, so I imagine you had to answer for the words that you spoke to me. I also imagine you had to answer for many other mean words you said to people. I can’t imagine that I was the only one.

There were moments in my academic journey when I wanted to call you and yell, “nah-nah-nah-nah!” First, when I graduated with my Associate's Degree and was immediately accepted into a prestigious art school, then when I graduated with honors from a Bachelor’s program, again when I graduated with a Master’s degree, and again when I was accepted into a doctorate program.

Yes, you crushed my spirit for a quick minute. But it was only a minute.

And that’s the way it should be for everyone who has been told they cannot do something because of some lame excuse.

I’m proud of myself for standing up and getting back on the horse. I’m grateful that my husband not only encouraged me, but walked alongside me during that 18 months and beyond.

And as much as I’d like to hate you, Mr. Ogre, I also know that you probably had some shame or insecurity issues. It’s unfortunate that you took those out on me, but I’m scrappy and resilient.

May you RIP.